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When to cut the ties
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 652253" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p><strong><em>I'm still hanging in there hoping & praying that my daughter will one day love me like I need. I got cut off from my own mother 25 years ago and I was better off without her toxicity. My sister and I have a cold </em></strong></p><p><strong><em>& superficial relationship because of our upbringing yet I still try with her, as she has no children & an old husband. My mother stopped speaking to her own parents for years & when they passed away she refused to attend the funerals. I don't want our family history to repeat itself. I feel compelled to keep trying.</em></strong></p><p><strong><em></em></strong></p><p>Billy, a lot of our family history repeated itself too as much as I tried to avoid it. Part of that, I believe, is genetics. If there is, say, borderline in our family-of-origin, there is not much we can do if we pass it on because borderlines cut people off, are emotionally unpredictable, hate very hard, and can be vindictive. In my case, it was best for me (and I wish I 'd done it earlier) to stop trying to fix Mom, Dad, Sis, Bro, our unit. I only talk to my Dad as he is 90 and I watch what I say lest it be passed along. I can't make us the Brady Bunch or even half a Brady Bunch. Their personalities are mean. I can't change that in them. I tried. It hurt me and they got a good laugh out of it, I'm sure. I'm glad they are gone.</p><p></p><p>I did have one child take off. He was adopted later in life and had attachment disorder. That was much harder than finally letting my family of origin go, but with therapy I understood and did not blame myself and stopped trying to win him back. It was useless and hurtful and he knew where I was if he wanted me. It has been eight years. Therapists/psychologist and me both believe he has attachment problems and like a personality disorder, once they are adults with "iffy" attachment, they can put you out of their lives and never think about you again and there is nothing I can do to change it. Nor will I. I respect his right to go on without me. I do have four other adult kids who I am close to, so I think that helps. However, it still hit me hard to realize I can not make him who he is not. He thinks about me a certain way that nobody else does, and I can't stop it. He also has the influence of his wife who wants him to herself and his very obsessive religion. I can't try anymore. It did not work. My life is finally peaceful. You must find your path, in which you will have many forks, and decide which fork to take until you feel you have done your best and are at peace in your heart and soul. It is such a nice place to finally be.</p><p></p><p>You can do it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 652253, member: 1550"] [B][I]I'm still hanging in there hoping & praying that my daughter will one day love me like I need. I got cut off from my own mother 25 years ago and I was better off without her toxicity. My sister and I have a cold & superficial relationship because of our upbringing yet I still try with her, as she has no children & an old husband. My mother stopped speaking to her own parents for years & when they passed away she refused to attend the funerals. I don't want our family history to repeat itself. I feel compelled to keep trying. [/I][/B] Billy, a lot of our family history repeated itself too as much as I tried to avoid it. Part of that, I believe, is genetics. If there is, say, borderline in our family-of-origin, there is not much we can do if we pass it on because borderlines cut people off, are emotionally unpredictable, hate very hard, and can be vindictive. In my case, it was best for me (and I wish I 'd done it earlier) to stop trying to fix Mom, Dad, Sis, Bro, our unit. I only talk to my Dad as he is 90 and I watch what I say lest it be passed along. I can't make us the Brady Bunch or even half a Brady Bunch. Their personalities are mean. I can't change that in them. I tried. It hurt me and they got a good laugh out of it, I'm sure. I'm glad they are gone. I did have one child take off. He was adopted later in life and had attachment disorder. That was much harder than finally letting my family of origin go, but with therapy I understood and did not blame myself and stopped trying to win him back. It was useless and hurtful and he knew where I was if he wanted me. It has been eight years. Therapists/psychologist and me both believe he has attachment problems and like a personality disorder, once they are adults with "iffy" attachment, they can put you out of their lives and never think about you again and there is nothing I can do to change it. Nor will I. I respect his right to go on without me. I do have four other adult kids who I am close to, so I think that helps. However, it still hit me hard to realize I can not make him who he is not. He thinks about me a certain way that nobody else does, and I can't stop it. He also has the influence of his wife who wants him to herself and his very obsessive religion. I can't try anymore. It did not work. My life is finally peaceful. You must find your path, in which you will have many forks, and decide which fork to take until you feel you have done your best and are at peace in your heart and soul. It is such a nice place to finally be. You can do it. [/QUOTE]
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