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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 652319" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I learned this from MWM and 2much2recover: If we have family of origin issues, and if we are different than our abusive or neglectful parent, we will spend alot of time trying to be better ourselves so that our families of origin can 1) heal and 2) celebrate ourselves and each other. The thing is, we seem not to be able to prevent what they do, so we try harder to be more than ~ more loving, more forgiving, more accepting. We do this because we don't want to hate them.</p><p></p><p>I do it for that reason. Hatred and dislike and backstabbing are like, my family traditions. "Could you pass the butcher knife, please? Your father has his back turned. Thank you."</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>True.</p><p></p><p>That is not how it is in normal families, in the families of our friends, in the families of our mates, in the idealized television families we all grew up watching. </p><p></p><p>MWM described it to me once this way: There are families who coalesce around love, which is based on trust, and there are families who coalesce around power, which is power over.</p><p></p><p>MWM said it more clearly than that, but I don't want to go and look for the quote. I do have it in my quote box, though.</p><p></p><p>But, just as our families of origin experienced the dysfunctions they did because some of the members fell prey to whatever dysfunctional genetic adaptation rides the genetic line, so do some of our children have that same genetic dysfunction. Here is what I know about genetic "dysfunction". Since we all are here, since we have survived through all the generations to be born into this one, there has to have been some survival value to the genetic dysfunction our family lines carry.</p><p></p><p>It just isn't a good, survival-based genetic adaptation to be carrying, in this time.</p><p></p><p>For all we know, that ability to be self-centered is what enabled our genetic lines to survive, back in the day. Add to this that here in America, most of our families of origin carry the genetic makeups of people who willingly went adventuring, betting their lives they would make it. </p><p></p><p>Or, we carry the genetic makeups of those jerked out of their countries and away from their families and enslaved ~ we carry the genes of those who survived that. </p><p></p><p>The rest, died out.</p><p></p><p>There was something in them ~ courage, or rage, or spitefulness maybe ~ that enabled them to leave everything familiar to them, setting sail across a body of water so vast they lost sight of land for days and weeks at a time. And all this in a time when they weren't even sure how long that would take or whether they would ever arrive at all. Most of our relatives came here with their skills and their bravado and nothing else.</p><p></p><p>But here we are.</p><p></p><p>So, our families may be downright difficult to be part of, but they are not bad.</p><p></p><p>They are what they are though, so it is best for us if we know what that is and what that means and how to see both them and ourselves.</p><p></p><p>There are no villains, here.</p><p></p><p>There are heroes, everywhere we look. It just depends on how we interpret what we see. Bravery and courage and outrageous belief in the self ~ those are good things. But in a time of plenty, those same character traits, that same individuality that assured survival in troubling times make for very disturbing relatives, now.</p><p></p><p>They like, court danger.</p><p></p><p>They are most alive riding the edge of a challenge and boy, do I see that in my kids.</p><p></p><p>But I see it in my mother, too.</p><p></p><p>So, it isn't that our people are bad, or that we are bad or good. It is that we need to learn what we can to make sense of what is happening to all of us, today.</p><p></p><p>Why doesn't matter.</p><p></p><p>Because we are wired differently than some of our family members, and because we have never had those trusting family relationships we can see so clearly in our mind's eye, we have spent our lives excusing the craziest, meanest, most pointlessly hurtful things because we believe it is simply a matter of will and opportunity and forgiveness to bring that family unit we can see so clearly into fruition. </p><p></p><p>We keep trying to fix it.</p><p></p><p>But once you can see the genetic connection, once you can look at each of the members of your family of origin and even, your children and grandchildren in this new light ~ there it is, plain as day.</p><p></p><p>That part makes sense to me, too. It makes sense that both sides of the continuum would be expressed in the genetic family line. </p><p></p><p>I think the gist of it might be that those who are more empathic are programmed to trust. Those of our family members who are less empathic have the genetic makeup that programs them not for trust, but for control.</p><p></p><p>Our assignment, should we (as they say on Mission: Impossible) choose to accept it, is to see, and to accept, what is.</p><p></p><p>You are wonderful. Loving and kind and filled with joy. I feel that way, too. We are the lucky ones, in a way. And, in a way, we too are a gift to our families from our genetic lines. Without those like us coming along fairly frequently as our genetic lines arrived to this time? None of us would have survived. We would have done one another in, long since. ("Please Cedar, pass me the butcher knife while your father has his back turned. Thank you.")</p><p></p><p>So, that is how I see it.</p><p></p><p>I still am not sure how to go about interacting with my family of origin. One day, when I am feeling especially mushy, I will be vulnerable enough to believe in it all of it again.</p><p></p><p>They are all so bright and funny and absolutely entertaining! I really do miss them, miss that about them.</p><p></p><p>Maybe that is why my sister calls me, every so often.</p><p></p><p>Or maybe, she sees me as the genetically disadvantaged one.</p><p></p><p>In the end, we do the best we know. We all do that, I think. For you and for me, it matters that we not tumble back into believing they think like we do. My sister and I were talking about this kind of thing once. About why she does what she does. She did not even deny it. You know what she said? "I know. I can't help it."</p><p></p><p>Still, she likes to ride with spurs on.</p><p></p><p>It is beautiful, in a way.</p><p></p><p>So that's what I know about family, and about family of origin. As it is with our kids, we need to be wise, and we need to be wary. But I think that when we celebrate our families and our lives, we see and can feel the joy of it. I think for my sister and for my mother too I suppose, though I have not discussed that with her, they do not feel the joy of it.</p><p></p><p>They feel the work and the bother, and they try very hard, and they seem unable ever to rest.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 652319, member: 17461"] I learned this from MWM and 2much2recover: If we have family of origin issues, and if we are different than our abusive or neglectful parent, we will spend alot of time trying to be better ourselves so that our families of origin can 1) heal and 2) celebrate ourselves and each other. The thing is, we seem not to be able to prevent what they do, so we try harder to be more than ~ more loving, more forgiving, more accepting. We do this because we don't want to hate them. I do it for that reason. Hatred and dislike and backstabbing are like, my family traditions. "Could you pass the butcher knife, please? Your father has his back turned. Thank you." :O) True. That is not how it is in normal families, in the families of our friends, in the families of our mates, in the idealized television families we all grew up watching. MWM described it to me once this way: There are families who coalesce around love, which is based on trust, and there are families who coalesce around power, which is power over. MWM said it more clearly than that, but I don't want to go and look for the quote. I do have it in my quote box, though. But, just as our families of origin experienced the dysfunctions they did because some of the members fell prey to whatever dysfunctional genetic adaptation rides the genetic line, so do some of our children have that same genetic dysfunction. Here is what I know about genetic "dysfunction". Since we all are here, since we have survived through all the generations to be born into this one, there has to have been some survival value to the genetic dysfunction our family lines carry. It just isn't a good, survival-based genetic adaptation to be carrying, in this time. For all we know, that ability to be self-centered is what enabled our genetic lines to survive, back in the day. Add to this that here in America, most of our families of origin carry the genetic makeups of people who willingly went adventuring, betting their lives they would make it. Or, we carry the genetic makeups of those jerked out of their countries and away from their families and enslaved ~ we carry the genes of those who survived that. The rest, died out. There was something in them ~ courage, or rage, or spitefulness maybe ~ that enabled them to leave everything familiar to them, setting sail across a body of water so vast they lost sight of land for days and weeks at a time. And all this in a time when they weren't even sure how long that would take or whether they would ever arrive at all. Most of our relatives came here with their skills and their bravado and nothing else. But here we are. So, our families may be downright difficult to be part of, but they are not bad. They are what they are though, so it is best for us if we know what that is and what that means and how to see both them and ourselves. There are no villains, here. There are heroes, everywhere we look. It just depends on how we interpret what we see. Bravery and courage and outrageous belief in the self ~ those are good things. But in a time of plenty, those same character traits, that same individuality that assured survival in troubling times make for very disturbing relatives, now. They like, court danger. They are most alive riding the edge of a challenge and boy, do I see that in my kids. But I see it in my mother, too. So, it isn't that our people are bad, or that we are bad or good. It is that we need to learn what we can to make sense of what is happening to all of us, today. Why doesn't matter. Because we are wired differently than some of our family members, and because we have never had those trusting family relationships we can see so clearly in our mind's eye, we have spent our lives excusing the craziest, meanest, most pointlessly hurtful things because we believe it is simply a matter of will and opportunity and forgiveness to bring that family unit we can see so clearly into fruition. We keep trying to fix it. But once you can see the genetic connection, once you can look at each of the members of your family of origin and even, your children and grandchildren in this new light ~ there it is, plain as day. That part makes sense to me, too. It makes sense that both sides of the continuum would be expressed in the genetic family line. I think the gist of it might be that those who are more empathic are programmed to trust. Those of our family members who are less empathic have the genetic makeup that programs them not for trust, but for control. Our assignment, should we (as they say on Mission: Impossible) choose to accept it, is to see, and to accept, what is. You are wonderful. Loving and kind and filled with joy. I feel that way, too. We are the lucky ones, in a way. And, in a way, we too are a gift to our families from our genetic lines. Without those like us coming along fairly frequently as our genetic lines arrived to this time? None of us would have survived. We would have done one another in, long since. ("Please Cedar, pass me the butcher knife while your father has his back turned. Thank you.") So, that is how I see it. I still am not sure how to go about interacting with my family of origin. One day, when I am feeling especially mushy, I will be vulnerable enough to believe in it all of it again. They are all so bright and funny and absolutely entertaining! I really do miss them, miss that about them. Maybe that is why my sister calls me, every so often. Or maybe, she sees me as the genetically disadvantaged one. In the end, we do the best we know. We all do that, I think. For you and for me, it matters that we not tumble back into believing they think like we do. My sister and I were talking about this kind of thing once. About why she does what she does. She did not even deny it. You know what she said? "I know. I can't help it." Still, she likes to ride with spurs on. It is beautiful, in a way. So that's what I know about family, and about family of origin. As it is with our kids, we need to be wise, and we need to be wary. But I think that when we celebrate our families and our lives, we see and can feel the joy of it. I think for my sister and for my mother too I suppose, though I have not discussed that with her, they do not feel the joy of it. They feel the work and the bother, and they try very hard, and they seem unable ever to rest. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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