Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
When to cut the ties
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 652357" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Billy, I am very stubborn. When I get something into my mind to do, I do it. It was inconceivable to me that there were things I could not do if I just never gave up. I am still this way about certain things...my health habits, learning about how people tick, staying young in heart and thought...but I have stopped trying to fix other people. They resent it and I can't do it. The four last words of the last sentence are powerful and awesome to me. I CAN'T DO IT! I hate those words. But I tried, and the more I tried, the more I was considered a troublemaker. Why? Because in my family of origin you did not question the dysfunction. You did not point it out. You did not act like you noticed we were not like the other families on the block. As a little girl, I noticed and I did!!!<strong><em> I</em></strong> was different too and I noticed and asked about it all the time. "What's wrong with me? GET ME HELP!"</p><p></p><p>I read about various "mental health" disorders in the Encyclopedia Britannica, if you remember that <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />, before the internet. If nobody was going to tell me why I was different, I was going to find out on my own. Of course, back in the day, they would never have been able to give me any idea of why I was different. And sadder. A very depressed child and true, full force, adult-like depression kicked in at thirteen. It was a profound depression that was, in many ways, one of my worst depressions. I had delusions with that depression. I thought the kids, who teased me anyway, were outside my house listening to me so I whispered at home. I still got no help. ANd then when I snapped out of my depression to a one-second-switch from low to high (my only mania I can really recall) nobody noticed the difference either. My mom, who was very verbally abusive, told me she would not take me to a psychiatrist because they'd just tell me that I was this way because of her. And she wasn't going to pay to get blamed. My Dad? He was there...but never there.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow, as more vulnerable emotionally than my sister and not suffering with CRohn's Disease, as my brother did (Crohn's was a disease they could SEE so my family did believe HE ha problems, although they didn't think I did), I became the family blacksheep. EVERY DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY HAS A GOLDEN CHILD (my brother in this case) and A BLACK SHEEP (me). It doesn't end in childhood. Usually, the black sheep is the most perceptive and outspoken member of the family unit, refusing to just go along with the horror of the family. WE try to talk about it, we admit our own failings (perhaps too much, as our failings are the only things that dysfunctional families will accept from a scape goat) and we are willing to go to family therapy, but they aren't. And they are mad at us for bringing up our relational problems.</p><p></p><p>My father's family survived the Holocaust (Jewish family). My mother's family is a big puzzl to me. We (siblings) were told very little about our grandmother's origins or family and did not meet many of her brothers and sisters of which she had several. She wasn't close to more than maybe two of them. I know nothing of my mother's great-grandmother. All I know about my grandmother is that her origins were in Russia/Grandfather's were in Germany, both Jewish. Did they get tough for survival? Did that alter their genes? I don't know. I do know, interesting, my mother named me after my grandfather's mother, the only relative of his I know anything about. She put him into foster care while she thought she was deathly ill until she died in her 90s. Why name your kid after somebody like THAT?</p><p></p><p>But she had told me many times she had no connection to me while pregnant or after I was born and I guess I knew it. I kicked and stiffened and cried and she said she couldn't hold me so she propped my bottle against my crib. (Of course she told me that later on she loved me so much...haha). I think she did at one time, but it faded when I grew up and kept challenging our family's ways, calling out the BS and meanness. Funny, I recall her arguing with her own mother, my grandma, about how she favored her son over her. She was in her 60's at the time. She never got over her jealousy of her brother, yet he was also golden to her and could do no wrong. Uncle was a piece of work. Brilliant man, but loved to call me "Selfish" and "brat." I may have been a brat, but I'm not selfish and never was. Yet that is my rep in my family of origin. Doesn't make any sense, really. I was such a giving child and even as an adult....</p><p></p><p>We can do better than our parents did by learning from their mistakes and trying harder. In my case, my DNA scared me so much that I had one biological child and after becoming very depressed and then worrying if the baby would suffer from mental illness, I swore I'd adopt the rest of my kids. This is no exaggeration. It's true. And it worked out for the most part. My adopted kids are loving and sweet. My bio. son had a lot of challenges. He did have to drop out of college because of mental illness. He is doing much better now (as am I), but of course he had to inherit that! Figures!!!!</p><p></p><p>I'm glad I decided to adopt. It does not always mean you will have a troubled child. That is a sterotype and has a lot to do with THEIR genetics. Jumper is an angel. Princess and her daughter (oh, but I love my granddauther) are loving and wonderful girls. Sonic is one of the nicest people you could ever meet, and he tries so hard, autism and all. Not my DNA. I think in my case not spreading my DNA too much helped.</p><p></p><p>Just do the bst you can. That is all any of us can do. And don't deny what you see. Accept it. It brings more peace<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Denial is very stressful and leads to consequences.Think with your gut feelings, not your heart or what you wish things would be like. That leads to so much heartache. Put "Radical Acceptance into your search engine and read about it. Hugs</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 652357, member: 1550"] Billy, I am very stubborn. When I get something into my mind to do, I do it. It was inconceivable to me that there were things I could not do if I just never gave up. I am still this way about certain things...my health habits, learning about how people tick, staying young in heart and thought...but I have stopped trying to fix other people. They resent it and I can't do it. The four last words of the last sentence are powerful and awesome to me. I CAN'T DO IT! I hate those words. But I tried, and the more I tried, the more I was considered a troublemaker. Why? Because in my family of origin you did not question the dysfunction. You did not point it out. You did not act like you noticed we were not like the other families on the block. As a little girl, I noticed and I did!!![B][I] I[/I][/B] was different too and I noticed and asked about it all the time. "What's wrong with me? GET ME HELP!" I read about various "mental health" disorders in the Encyclopedia Britannica, if you remember that :), before the internet. If nobody was going to tell me why I was different, I was going to find out on my own. Of course, back in the day, they would never have been able to give me any idea of why I was different. And sadder. A very depressed child and true, full force, adult-like depression kicked in at thirteen. It was a profound depression that was, in many ways, one of my worst depressions. I had delusions with that depression. I thought the kids, who teased me anyway, were outside my house listening to me so I whispered at home. I still got no help. ANd then when I snapped out of my depression to a one-second-switch from low to high (my only mania I can really recall) nobody noticed the difference either. My mom, who was very verbally abusive, told me she would not take me to a psychiatrist because they'd just tell me that I was this way because of her. And she wasn't going to pay to get blamed. My Dad? He was there...but never there. Anyhow, as more vulnerable emotionally than my sister and not suffering with CRohn's Disease, as my brother did (Crohn's was a disease they could SEE so my family did believe HE ha problems, although they didn't think I did), I became the family blacksheep. EVERY DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY HAS A GOLDEN CHILD (my brother in this case) and A BLACK SHEEP (me). It doesn't end in childhood. Usually, the black sheep is the most perceptive and outspoken member of the family unit, refusing to just go along with the horror of the family. WE try to talk about it, we admit our own failings (perhaps too much, as our failings are the only things that dysfunctional families will accept from a scape goat) and we are willing to go to family therapy, but they aren't. And they are mad at us for bringing up our relational problems. My father's family survived the Holocaust (Jewish family). My mother's family is a big puzzl to me. We (siblings) were told very little about our grandmother's origins or family and did not meet many of her brothers and sisters of which she had several. She wasn't close to more than maybe two of them. I know nothing of my mother's great-grandmother. All I know about my grandmother is that her origins were in Russia/Grandfather's were in Germany, both Jewish. Did they get tough for survival? Did that alter their genes? I don't know. I do know, interesting, my mother named me after my grandfather's mother, the only relative of his I know anything about. She put him into foster care while she thought she was deathly ill until she died in her 90s. Why name your kid after somebody like THAT? But she had told me many times she had no connection to me while pregnant or after I was born and I guess I knew it. I kicked and stiffened and cried and she said she couldn't hold me so she propped my bottle against my crib. (Of course she told me that later on she loved me so much...haha). I think she did at one time, but it faded when I grew up and kept challenging our family's ways, calling out the BS and meanness. Funny, I recall her arguing with her own mother, my grandma, about how she favored her son over her. She was in her 60's at the time. She never got over her jealousy of her brother, yet he was also golden to her and could do no wrong. Uncle was a piece of work. Brilliant man, but loved to call me "Selfish" and "brat." I may have been a brat, but I'm not selfish and never was. Yet that is my rep in my family of origin. Doesn't make any sense, really. I was such a giving child and even as an adult.... We can do better than our parents did by learning from their mistakes and trying harder. In my case, my DNA scared me so much that I had one biological child and after becoming very depressed and then worrying if the baby would suffer from mental illness, I swore I'd adopt the rest of my kids. This is no exaggeration. It's true. And it worked out for the most part. My adopted kids are loving and sweet. My bio. son had a lot of challenges. He did have to drop out of college because of mental illness. He is doing much better now (as am I), but of course he had to inherit that! Figures!!!! I'm glad I decided to adopt. It does not always mean you will have a troubled child. That is a sterotype and has a lot to do with THEIR genetics. Jumper is an angel. Princess and her daughter (oh, but I love my granddauther) are loving and wonderful girls. Sonic is one of the nicest people you could ever meet, and he tries so hard, autism and all. Not my DNA. I think in my case not spreading my DNA too much helped. Just do the bst you can. That is all any of us can do. And don't deny what you see. Accept it. It brings more peace:) Denial is very stressful and leads to consequences.Think with your gut feelings, not your heart or what you wish things would be like. That leads to so much heartache. Put "Radical Acceptance into your search engine and read about it. Hugs [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
When to cut the ties
Top