When to help our adult children?

[hearts and roses]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: goldenguru</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Last night my daughter called and was asking for advise on how to deal with her mother in law. It occurred to me that just as we can give too much in material terms ... we can also give too much in advise terms. I really think she wanted me to say "Do this. Don't do this. And for heaven's sake - whatever you do - don't do that". I'm afraid I disappointed her. I listened. And I kept telling her to talk to her husband and to pray for God's wisdom. It was really difficult because I wanted to give her my two cents.

Just as we need to be cautious in not over giving materials - we need to be just as cautious to not over give advise - even when they ask for it.</div></div>

I too think that if they ask for it, it's okay to give it. The verbal advice that is. I know that I do have to be cautious with what I say at times, and I often bite my tongue, but hey, if they ask, they shall receive! Haha. And like you gg - I'm very good at telling people what I think! Ask my H! Hahah.

I really enjoyed reading all the feedback on this post.

 

[goldenguru]

Well thank you Fran. I have never thought about it in those terms.

Her mother in law sounds difficult. Her own son wants serious distance from her. I just hate to say anything derogatory about her (mother in law's) behaviors. Ya know?

My daughter called again this morning and was still upset by something mother in law did. She was unsure how to handle it. She asked again - specifically - how I would handle it.

I was elusive once again ... but after reading your comments ... I think I will call her back and provide a more concrete answer.

I suppose I do have the benefit of dealing with inlaws for almost three decades. I suppose that does mean I have some experience on the issue.

Thanks for the differing (and insightful) point of view.

 

[carolanne]

When I turned 14 and had my first job, my parents demanded I help pay ALL bills. I was working and making about $60 a week cleaning houses and they took $50 for rent, hydro,phone(which we weren't allowed to use) groceries. If they ran out of cigarettes they went through my purse...at 18, once I had graduated high school(first diploma in the family and with honors to boot...they hated that and let me know it) I came home from work to find one small bag on the front step with one change of clothes and the local shelter address.

I worked my butt off for three years, held down two, sometimes three jobs and put myself through college. I know how to work and work hard and hope that I have instilled that in my kids.

My gfgd Jess was here this past Sunday and it was a pleasant visit. She never asked for a single thing...but when she left she had two bags of groceries as well as my promise that if she is in a tight spot I will help. There is no way any of my kids will leave my home without my helping them...but it won't be cash in their hands and they know that. I will pay a bill, give food, help with bus tickets and no they don't have to pay it back. But I won't let them abuse the help either.

The funny part? My mom, who hasn't called or visited since 2001(I stopped in 2003 because of the verbal abuse) called last month and asked for help to secure a mortgage as the place they are in is being torn down after xmas.... :rofl:

Carolanne

 

[goldenguru]

Wow carolanne~

What an amazing story. You truly beat the odds. You are a testament to the depths that a person can climb out of with grit and determination.

Good for you.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

You most certainly did beat the odds, Carolanne.

Kudos, props, and hats off.