When was the last time that you?

[TerryJ2]

I am so sorry, Witzend.

You've gotten some really good advice here.

16 hrs a day of gaming is definitely too much, regardless whether it's a weekend. He is addicted. Period.

Your plans for a couple nights/days out a mo. are great. Stick to it. And you are absolutely right ... you need to move on and better yourself, regardless whether he changes. And it doesn't look like he's going to.

Can't you flip a circuit breaker to his room? Just a thought. :wink:

by the way, sex and food sound good to me. :smile: Okay, walking with-the dogs, talking, seeing a movie, kayaking ... sigh... all those things I either do alone or with-other people ... I hear you ... :eek:

 

[loricbme]

This thread hits so close to home it's not even funny. I recently called a plumber to do some much needed work and husband was only accepting of one thing done. He just gets into the "we don't have the money right now" mode. It's funny though, when he wants to do something like going golfing with his buddies, there is always plenty of money. I don't get it either. Before calling the plumber I had to take a step back and ask myself, "what would my mother do?" Ring... Ring... Ring. You know the saying that you marry someone like your father? Well, I did. Not intentionally, that's for sure. We don't have the WOW issues but my husband is gone a lot with work. He uses that excuse ALL the time. "but I'm never home... I can't because of work, blah, blah, blah". It was a struggle for us to find any time to do things together and joined a golf club this year. It has helped. Especially when difficult child is at school. Gets us a little one on one time without interruptions. Sometimes even golfing together isn't good because he gets all golf pro on me and tries to tell me everything I'm doing wrong. I have told him over and over to not talk to me while I'm getting ready to hit or immediately after I hit. Did he listen? Nope. I do know that he likes me and wants to spend time with me, so that's a plus.

I just don't get husbands who don't help out. That is why I'm a stay at home mom. I lost my job three years ago and ended up staying home because that was also the first time we were aware of difficult child issues. husband is always pushing for me to work outside the home and I told him that I have been there done that and not got an ounce of help from him so until he can commit to helping around the house - his house - I won't be working because I have far too much to do here since I do it all on my own. The only thing I hold him accountable for is cutting grass. And he still barely gets it done. I'm not exaggerating, he cut the grass twice this summer. I wanted soooo badly to cut it myself but just told myself no. We had our neighbors over for a bonfire a couple of weeks ago and I was making jokes about all of our neighbors seeing him pack up his golf clubs several times a week and they were going to block his car in our driveway till he cut the grass. LOL They laughed but they keep their yard pristine.

It probably seems like I'm ranting a bit, which I am, but it also shows us all that many of us have the same issues. I know that if my marriage were to end I wouldn't have it any better with a different man, just different issues.

The only advice I could give is to cut the power to the computer. LOL 16 hours of gaming on a weekend day is unfathomable to me. I can really tell that this hurts you very much. You really like him and want to spend time with him. Sometimes when we feel ignored it makes us want that person even more. Several years ago when I was working and taking care of difficult child and home, I didn't wash any of his white close for two weeks. He came to me one day and said, "do I have any clean, white clothes? I can't find any." I said, "I don't know, have you washed any lately?". Talk about passive aggressive! I'm not proud of it but sometimes it works more for me to not say anything than to nag.

Good luck and prayers to you with this situation.

Lori

 

[Star*]

Dear Cinderella,

After you clean the fireplace I need you to sew my dress for the ball, then I want you to wash the dishes, chop some wood, do the windows in and out, mend my underwear, wash the dog, take out the papers and the trash (yakkity yak don't talk back), mow the yard, rake the leaves, fetch my slippers and put on a kettle for my 9:00 am tea.

I, You, Everyone will have days (and weeks, sometimes a lifetime if we let it) of days like this. Me too. Since DF became disabled it's really put a damper on what we can do. I tell myself every day that I have choices. I can offer for us to go out to eat, and there is always an excuse...so I go alone. I did that for a time, and then started feeling sorry for myself. It's not fair I'm so young and he's so old feeling. So I started doing things for me. I can't fix him, I can't make him get up (well I can I merely mention I need help cleaning and he disappears), but he's a sweet and gentle man. Mine does bring me coffee when he's not in too much pain. I can do things that please me.

Some days I think he's happier that I'm gone and out of the house. We do have the occasional date moment or we'll pig out on icecream in bed...but I learned to make myself happy 1st. If he joins me? Bonus. If not, I'm not bitter (mostly) haha.

Many Many Hugs...yours doesn't have a bad back, but what he's doing is just as much of a disability. Maybe you could start with letting him know that?

I keep thinking about the gal here who's husband had a lobotomy and realize I don't have it so bad. Sometimes thinking like that helps me too.

Hugs & Love
Star
-aren't you finished with my ball gown YET? Aaaaaaaah (stomps off like a 14 year old) :princess:

 

[Marcie Mac]

I was just thinking of this very topic last saturday when it was time to paint the bedroom (again) and no one could be found to help, and I was told "wait till I get back from the coin show, don't start it, I will help you" If it wasn't the coin show, it would have been the auto races, and if not that, going to see dog agility trials.

Trying to get SO to do anything at home on weekends is an exercise in creative thinking. Come Friday night there better be plans to be doing something, anything, even if it is at the mall, cept staying at home, or else I am going to have to hear him whine and moan and the worst, SIGH...and that carries on until Sunday nite.

A big part of our problem is that we don't really have anything in common when it comes to doing fun stuff. His hobbies consist of auto racing (zzzzzzz),coin shows(more zzzzzzzzzz), war related stuff (For an absolute rabid anti war person like myself to get excited over a visit the Patton museum, or go talk to the old guys at the air show about bombing runs over Germany -it actually makes my physically sick to my stomach to even listen to this stuff) He came in yesterday and announced we were going to start playing cards on the weekend with his friend and his wife (oh gawd, someone just pull out a gun and shoot me now - am so not a card person)

But anyway, I find that compromises work better than nagging or getting upset. I will spend time with him doing what HE finds fun (cept for the war stuff), and he has to donate the day or halfday of his choice on the weekend.

What also works well is not asking - just announce that this is what we will be doing for the next hour, half day, weekend in advance.

As much as I like to putter in the yard, I have a gardener that comes once a week and mows trims, etc. Its money well spent to avoid discussions over that issue. And you bet if there was something in the house I couldn't manage, or trust him to be doing it right, I would be hiring a rent a husand

Good luck :smile:

Marcie

 

[hearts and roses]

I have learned that a large part of the reason why my H is so unmotivated to go out and do things OR do the little tiny things that I need him to do (think: honeydo list) is because he's giving his ALL at work. My H works really really hard, it's a huge labor to build houses and climb ladders all day in all sorts of crazy weather. I used to whine about how he is always so tired when I need him or how he put off the chore list I had for him or he'd start a project and it would take forever to finish. Now I will gently remind him and then be quiet about it. OR, I will offer to have someone come in and do the job - that's usually the best motivator. Or I will do it myself, even if it comes out not quite as good as if he did it.

However, I think that in large part you have to do what you have to do to bring yourself peace with this. You know that he is not going to change into the person you want or need him to be; will he give up say, HALF, of his gaming? Will he sit with you and make a committment to finish at least half of the chore list by a certain date? No? Then you either hire a handyman to do the chores or you do them yourself. And I know the last option is not a good one considering your pain and restrictions on movement.

If you've addressed this with him repeatedly over the years, I think maybe it's time to consider your other options outside of nagging and doing nothing. I really think that life IS for the living and if you can do some of those outdoor things that bring you joy, then you should do them without H if he's not interested. Go with a friend, or neighbor, or alone. But definitely go. You will likely meet other people who are interested in those things and then you will stop asking H altogether and maybe then he will notice what's missing in his life.

Many hugs to you - I know what it's like to live with someone and feel so alone.

Incidentally, I am a social person and I grew tired of H always turning down invites so now I make dates with my girl friends for coffee, lunch of a walk to just chat or vent or laugh or a movie, whatever. I like to go out and I like be with other people - H doesn't - but I finally stopped letting his ways rule mine.

 

[Sunlight]

tell him you are giving the list to a handyman and do it. that will free up more time for him to play.

join a traveling club.

 

[busywend]

This is very helpful to me. I mentioned earlier that I may be jaded before ever even getting married.

Seeing how you all are working on the relationships - is making me feel good about marriage. Seeing that some of you have just started doing your own thing and husband is welcome to come or not - is a realization for me. I have done this with boyfriend. I used to get upset if he turned down an invitation, but not anymore. If I want to go, I go.

If there is one thing I learned in the last few years, never rely on anyone else for your happiness. And do not think you can provide someone else's happiness either.