When you feel like you just can't take it anymore

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tanya M, Apr 18, 2015.

  1. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    When you feel like you just can’t take it anymore, count to 10 and on each count take in a long slow deep breath, exhale slowly and focus on nothing else but your breathing. This will calm you, bring you back to the present moment.

    Live in this present moment, embrace it. Let go of the thoughts like “it will always be like this” or “it will never get better” You only have power over the moment you are in, do not project out to the future, you have no power there.

    Negative thoughts are so damaging and can easily consume us. Focus on what is positive, think of at least 5 things in your life that are good, for example “I have a job” I’m a really good cook” “I have a great spouse” “I love the smell of roses” “I have the sweetest cat”

    No matter what we are going through there are always things to be grateful for.

    Be good to yourself. Find a new hobby or get back into something you used to enjoy before the chaos of having a Difficult Child took over.

    Go for a walk in the woods, along the beach, in a park, somewhere there is “nature” all around you. Breathe, take it all in.

    Live your life to the fullest. It’s ok to allow yourself to be happy, to do fun things. It’s YOUR life, take it back, own it, live it!!

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  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    I so agree with all of this Tanya. I remember impatiently brushing these ideas aside many times. I needed big-time solutions, not sweet little things to do.

    I was wrong. If I had spent more time earlier doing the small things---taking better care of myself---I would have been able to start on this journey much sooner.

    Slow learner that I am!

    Thank you for these very practical things we can do right now!
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  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Great post Tanya. Thanks.
    I agree with COM too, it's the small steps that bring about big change over time.
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Thank you Tanya.
  5. PTSD Mom

    PTSD Mom New Member

    I need to know what to do when I feel as if I cannot be in the presence of my daughter because she is so volatile, angry and combative. She will be rude and then turn it around as I were the one who was angry and rude. There is no rational conversation with her. She has PTSD and a multitude of mental issues and has become completely helpess to lead a normal life. I am her only lifeline, it seems, but I cannot take much more before this kills me. I do have a wonderful therapist, but she can offer little more than sympathy these days.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    @PTSD Mom : if all your therapist can offer is sympathy... I would suggest you find another therapist. Someone who thinks outside the box. It might take multiple tries to get someone who "gets it". But it's worth the effort.
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  7. PTSD Mom

    PTSD Mom New Member

    The therapist has given me tools to cope but this illness of my daughter still weighs on me every minute of the day. As long as she is suffering so badly, I cannot find peace. She says that I have secondary PTSD. I am in dread of having to pick her up from the psychiatric unit where she as been for two nights now. I will have to confront her at some point that I have found out that she has been using my bank account without my approval. First have to see how bad she is from her stay at the psyc unit. If the anger and confrontation starts up again, I may snap. She has no where else to go. I think I have felt too sorry for her and indulged her bad behavior too long. She cannot/will not clean up after herself. Says its because he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and hoarding tendencies. She seems to just not care if her surroundings are filthy. I think it must be just a conscious choice to live in filth. I don't know how far to push her since she definitely is mentally ill. Her ex-husband tried to kill her many times and left her with a scar across her face that will be with her forever. He was convicted of felony assault but was given five years supervised probation and is out and living in our same town. She is terrified he will come and kill her and us. He has said he will and may try. We use all safety precautions we know of. I just need to know that this night mare may someday end.
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi PTSD Mom, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with such a difficult situation. I am glad you found this forum, we are here to support you and offer our advice. Take what you can use and discard the rest.

    I would like to suggest that you start your own thread as you will get more responses. Give as much detail as you can without being to specific as we want to remain anonymous. If you need help just let me know.

    I agree with @InsaneCdn that if all your therapist is offering you is sympathy you are wasting your money and need to find a therapist that can offer you some true direction.
    When your daughter is turning things around on you it's a tactic called gaslighting. Some people are not conscious that they are doing this. Basically they are trying to make you believe something that did not happen.

    In your signature you say your daughter is 35 and that she had to move in with you. There is no reason a 35 year old needs to move in with their 64 and 69 year old parents. I understand that she is suffering from PTSD but that is still no excuse to move in with your parents. You and your husband will not be around forever and then what? Where will she go then?
    Have you tried reaching out to NAMI
    Here is the link
    There are other resources out there to offer your daughter help. At some point she will have to go it alone because you and your husband can not take care of her forever.

    This is theft. My suggestion is that you close that account and start a new one. I would also keep your credit cards locked up. There is no reason for her to have any access to your finances. If she does it again and it's without your knowledge you always have the option to call the police.
    If she ever gets violent with you, you need to call the police. These things need to be documented.

    I understand she is your child and that you love her. Trust me, that is not lost on any of us here, but you need to be taking care of yourself. Your daughter is 35 years old and should not be relying on mommy and daddy to take care of her.

    Again, you will get more responses if you start your own thread and let me know if you need help doing that.

    We are all here for you.

    Sending you ((HUGS))
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  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi PTSD Mom. The image that comes to mind is somebody trying to save a person who is struggling in the water. And the rescuer is going under. Nobody should be or can be an ONLY LIFELINE, to my way of thinking. How can this be good for your daughter for you to go under?

    The issue needs to be addressed that she is "helpless to lead a normal life." Has she applied for and is she receiving SSI for mental illness? Is she involved with your County's Department of Mental Health? Is she working with the Department of Rehabilitation?

    My adult child, too, has turned everything around on me. Reading this forum has shown me it is quite common.

    I am a new member. I am learning so much by reading and participating ABOUT WAYS THAT I CAN CHANGE my own behaviors, over which I have 100 percent control. Take care, PTSD Mom.
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2015
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    PTSD, it will end when you decide to change YOU. That is what I am learning at this site. Sacrificing yourself does not HELP. This is what I am learning. You are doing the right thing. These people will help you to learn to change.

    I do not believe that this is so. When people are discharged from a psychiatric Unit there are social workers that arrange placements for those without a place to go. When my adult child has been released from psychiatric units he has gone to 2 week facilities, and then longer term ones. Other times, she returned to a homeless shelter. Many people do not have families that provide housing.

    As others have said, your daughter has behaved towards you in a manner that is illegal and unacceptable. To allow her to perpetuate this, does not help her. You are not her only lifeline. You have chosen to be, but that does not make it so. As long as you continue choosing such, this situation will continue. I am learning along with you.
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  11. Rina

    Rina Member

    Thank you. I need to remind myself this.
  12. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Call the social worker at the place she is at currently and ask for a discharge plan; place where she can go after she leaves the facility. They should be able to give you places where she can vs. your home. Lock up your money, purse, credit cards, etc. Close your account if necessary.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You have gotten great advice. She is infringing on your entire life when you let her live with ypu. I don't care if she has PTSD or ABCD. Nothing...nothing makes abuse of you okay. She is 35. No more mommy. She needs to use community resources and in my opinion you need to let her.

    I'd also hang up on her every single time she is abusive to you. Force her to act like an adult aND respect you or be alone until she does.

    Don't lI've with her. You deserve wonderful golden years.

    You can not fix your daughter and I'd go to therapy to learn how to take care of yourself first. Your daughter is mEan to you. You wouldn't let anyone else treat you that way. Why let her? Does it help either of you to allow her to hate on you? It's bad for her too.

    I hope you can start detaching. Have a peaceful night.