When you no longer care...good or unhealthy?

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by SomewhereOutThere, Sep 13, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Lately I have been pondering this question. And since Daphne posted and, although I didn't want her there, it did not upset me in a personal way, I am wondering about the time when you no longer care at all. I feel close to that point and wonder if that is a good thing or unhealthy?

    I really have pretty much disconnected since I was told there would be a punishing snub (I refuse to call it NC because in her place it was a punishment). I have been pretty good about never reading her stuff. I checked the other day to see if s he had posted on her site, but she has been suspended and I did not see her name. I had no intention of reading even the title of her post...just wanted to see if she's back yet and she isn't. Maybe she gave up or decided to really heal from whatever/whoever she is truly healing from. I did not feel joy or sadness by this fact though.

    i did not know it was possible to get to such an apathetic point about FOO. My mother still can get me a bit if I think about her. But no longer siblings.They don't feel like real people to me anymore..more like strangers in a distant land that I don't know and don't care about.

    Does that make me cold-hearted? I feel like I should feel stronger emotions when I think of them. I feel I should have had a stronger reaction to Daphne, but it was very minor. More like pity than anything else.

    Any thoughts? SHOULD we always care?
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I was there for a little while before all this anger erupted. I think what might be happening to me is that, once I was no longer so scared to death of them that I leaped into a role, into automaton, just to interact with them, just to think about them even, I got really mad about just who they are.

    About just who they think they are, in relation to me.

    So I probably am mad at myself for trading self respect for hope of family.

    I am deeply sad, too.

    It isn't as though I am skipping through it, but this part is easy, because of the anger and sadness, compared to when we were first exploring that core, toxic shame we incorporated because of them.

    Excuse me for a moment, Serenity.




    Better, now.



  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    LOL. I think I had more sadness than anger because I NEVER thought my family would EVER have that dinner ;) I don't like being sad. This feels lots better :its_all_good:
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I have posted on this (past half hour or so) on the self-forgiveness thread.

    I see it as you no longer respond Serenity, to the language of shaming. You have risen above her attempts to humiliate, to abase you. You no longer hear it. It is not important to you.

    I do not hear you saying that she is not important to you, Serenity. I believe she is. But what she says, what she does, how she acts out, you have moved beyond it. It is no longer anything that can have power over you.

    You have memories of her. Memories of your love for her. You have empathy and compassion for her hurt. But you realize there is nothing at all you can do to change her, to change events. Except to leave the circle.

    She is speaking a different language, Serenity, a language to which you no longer respond to. You have chosen not to. You are speaking and understanding a different language now.
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2015
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Copa, thank you. I sort of bowed out of the other thread because I am not a scholar of the Bible and don't really understand it so I missed this.

    Thanks for answering anyway.

    I think you're right. In my value system, each living thing has value, including those who I am related to through DNA who don't connect with me or vice versa. So that is true. How much I care about them...I have still enough hurt at the tail end of the anger phase to think I don't care about them at all anymore. After all, they don't care about me, right? I'll see if that changes. Of course I want everyone to heal, but I can't be involved, especially if they don't think they are a problem to themselves. First you have to admit you need to change things about yourself in order to be happy and just shunning relatives that you have grudges against still doesn't let you cut yourself off from yourself...so you still suffer until you understand.

    Copa, you are right that it has become unimportant. This is huge because what my mother and sister both thought of me used to be monstrously important to me, even though they never did think well of me. Maybe because my brother is a male, I cared less. Maybe because he was physically ill and I felt and still feel badly about that, I cut him a break. I still do. I don't get angry thinking about him. I hit "apathy" with him first.

    Because of our work here, almost completely (thank you both so much) I have been able to work through what has gone down with me and my family and that the problem is not just me. It is ALL of us not working together, but I became the famous scapegoat that I had not heard of before.Now everything makes sense when I am called a silly, unfounded name, and I also expect it. Daphne surprised me, but only a mild surprise. I could tell you and Cedar would shocked.

    I can't care. I can't. I'm just used to it and, once it is all "talked" out, I see that it makes no sense for me to care.

    I have to walk the dog now :) Hubby is calling. Talk to you later and thank you both for all you did for me. Both of you are the best!! ;)
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2015
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This is a key part of our FOO for lots of people... families where the language of the family is a warp of what is normal. So, they say the same things as one might expect in a more normal family, but the meaning is different. They talk about love, care, respect, and so on. All valid concepts, everyone seems to agree. But once we understand that some definitions are healthy and some definitions are unhealthy, we have the right to choose healthy language.
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  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Heck, ic, they talked about love in my foo (although I sure didnt feel it) but not care or respect and so on. But I know what you're saying.
    When my sis says No Contact ( as in necessary lack of contact due to extreme abuse from somebody) she means "silent treatment punishment...haha." it was huge for me to realize what no contact means to her.
    Other things also have unconventional meanings. I get it.