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Family of Origin
When you take the place of the real abuser in your abusers life
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 666565" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Maybe this theory could explain why it would be that the more time my mom and my sister worked through their issues, the more they required a focus for the hostility toward the other that each normally would have vented to me, or for my sister, to her D H. Now, the sister's D H will be unified with mom and sister in whatever the rules are for their interaction. </p><p></p><p>Not a safe person to vent to, or to vent against.</p><p></p><p>I had always thought the escalation experienced after my father's death had to do with his absence. I had thought that my mom's hostility toward my father behind his back while he was alive ~ well, I didn't know what to think of that. But it could be something like what you are thinking this morning, Serenity. That some of us need a villain to focus hostility against ~ that we need someone to be the bad guy so we can see the person we are currently in closest relationship to as good.</p><p></p><p>That makes sense.</p><p></p><p>Great insight, Serenity.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Copa, the luncheon for your sister and her new husband. Could that be the underlying dynamic for your sister? That for her to see her husband as an ally, you needed, or someone needed, to be the villain she focused hostility on?</p><p></p><p>I have come to believe my sister really does feel hatred for me. </p><p></p><p>I don't know why, but I do know the intensity of it has increased over the time since my father's death. I had thought mom and my sister had created this imaginary circle where they believed whatever they told themselves about me. But what if Serenity's observation is valid?</p><p></p><p>That explains everything that is happening to all of us, and to all of our sisters.</p><p></p><p>For Heaven's sake. At least we would like to love our people. What would the world look like if it had to be managed through focusing unbearable feelings of hostility at the target least likely to leave you. Or at least, toward the target whose leaving will not matter, because what you need is a target for hostility.</p><p></p><p>We don't have to be in their lives, for them to hate us.</p><p></p><p>It is probably easier for them to focus those negative feelings onto us if we aren't there.</p><p></p><p>That would explain the seeming escalation of negativity over time.</p><p></p><p>And I do see everything that used to be bothersome escalating into actions I cannot excuse. </p><p></p><p>Huh.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 666565, member: 17461"] Maybe this theory could explain why it would be that the more time my mom and my sister worked through their issues, the more they required a focus for the hostility toward the other that each normally would have vented to me, or for my sister, to her D H. Now, the sister's D H will be unified with mom and sister in whatever the rules are for their interaction. Not a safe person to vent to, or to vent against. I had always thought the escalation experienced after my father's death had to do with his absence. I had thought that my mom's hostility toward my father behind his back while he was alive ~ well, I didn't know what to think of that. But it could be something like what you are thinking this morning, Serenity. That some of us need a villain to focus hostility against ~ that we need someone to be the bad guy so we can see the person we are currently in closest relationship to as good. That makes sense. Great insight, Serenity. Thank you. Cedar Copa, the luncheon for your sister and her new husband. Could that be the underlying dynamic for your sister? That for her to see her husband as an ally, you needed, or someone needed, to be the villain she focused hostility on? I have come to believe my sister really does feel hatred for me. I don't know why, but I do know the intensity of it has increased over the time since my father's death. I had thought mom and my sister had created this imaginary circle where they believed whatever they told themselves about me. But what if Serenity's observation is valid? That explains everything that is happening to all of us, and to all of our sisters. For Heaven's sake. At least we would like to love our people. What would the world look like if it had to be managed through focusing unbearable feelings of hostility at the target least likely to leave you. Or at least, toward the target whose leaving will not matter, because what you need is a target for hostility. We don't have to be in their lives, for them to hate us. It is probably easier for them to focus those negative feelings onto us if we aren't there. That would explain the seeming escalation of negativity over time. And I do see everything that used to be bothersome escalating into actions I cannot excuse. Huh. [/QUOTE]
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When you take the place of the real abuser in your abusers life
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