Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
When you take the place of the real abuser in your abusers life
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 666730" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Last night M said that this coming week NO MATTER WHAT he wants to bring the divorce papers to the Court House and happen what happens he wants to commence his divorce.</p><p></p><p>I had been telling him about my son's phone call yesterday. My son is very frightened because he feels this is the month that worldwide calamity will lead to chaos and the dissolution of the financial system and martial law.</p><p></p><p>My son called to tell me he loved me very much.</p><p></p><p>I told him I loved him too.</p><p></p><p>He apparently felt a hanging back from me (or a lingering sense of undeserving in himself) and noted it.</p><p></p><p>I said: I can only state what is true for me. I love you. I have always loved you. In these years that have been hard, I could have done better. Way better. I forgive myself. The only thing we have is now. If a calamity is coming I do not want to give up my now, with anxiety and fear.</p><p></p><p>He said he did not either, but I know it is hard for him.</p><p></p><p>I mentioned to him that I want to go to the beach on the Pacific near where he is to disburse my mother's remains and would he want to meet M and I to honor the memory of grandma? We could go to lunch or dinner afterwards. He said yes. (He had said he wanted to come here to see each other before the collapse. I suggested this as an alternative.)</p><p></p><p>I have a problem with envy, too. It is when I am thinking from a zero sum game and feel: if somebody else has that...they are taking away the possibility of my having it. <em>Like it was in my family. Then I remember. I can have it if I want.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Like when I cheated last week and saw online that my sister is probably buying a mansion. I do not want a mansion. But if I decided to move to a place where housing is inexpensive or work all of the rest of my life I could probably have one.</p><p></p><p>I do not want to.</p><p></p><p>But my sister needs to have a mansion. She has always wanted one. Or to live in the most prestigious neighborhoods of prestigious areas.</p><p></p><p>So, I am thinking here of the rigidity of roles. And how our sisters are trapped into feeding their own desire to be best, most, special, even through their kids.</p><p></p><p>I must say in fairness that my sister has tried to parent her twins with perfect equality...in affection, gifts, opportunities...and I read yesterday that that too...the rigid and deliberate attempt to counteract and balance out the competitive dog eat dog family of origin environment is itself a function of the very same toxicity from whence it came.</p><p></p><p>My sister's first born twin is accomplished, independent, confident and capable. The other is timid, gentle and dependent. When it came time for college, the fist twin got into a large urban University (the very one that I went to. Interesting, huh? ) This twin is also the one that went to study in the same foreign big city where I had lived and to study in the same University where I had studied.)</p><p></p><p>The 2nd timid twin, who did not gain entry into a university? My sister sent her to a community 2 year college in a beach town 3 or 4 hours away, paid for an apartment, etc....so that she could have equal to her sister. (Had she stayed home she would have been in a prettier beach town, with her friends and her mother.)</p><p></p><p>The child ended up a binge alcoholic...and totaled her stepfather's car.</p><p></p><p>My sister does feel comfortable at home with her family. She is relaxed. She could be comfortable at my mother's too.</p><p>After reading the articles on parents who focus on their children...to perform...so that they can bask in the reflected glory, do you see, Cedar, a parallel in your sister?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am filled with sadness for us.</p><p></p><p>At this moment I feel only compassion for my sister and for yours Cedar. I believe that my sister, <em>given what she got as a child</em>, lived as well as she could.</p><p></p><p>I could have given her love and acceptance <em>as she was. </em>I chose not to. </p><p></p><p>My Mother in the last few years of her life <em>begged me </em>to accept my sister as she was and to love her. Over and over again my mother would say, you have to accept people as they are. Flaws or not. Because nobody is without flaws. We will all be alone if we demand perfection.</p><p></p><p>While I could understand my mother's words...I would not accept them in my heart.</p><p></p><p>I felt I needed and wanted to punish my sister's transgressions. There was a moral superiority in me. That I felt but did not at the time question.</p><p></p><p>A feeling like I had the right to punish and to withhold love...conditionally. As I write this I recognize that this is what the narcissistic mother does. She withholds affection and approval to control and to manipulate in the family. I feel ashamed. I do not know what to do now. I will put this aside.</p><p></p><p>This is enough, for now.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 666730, member: 18958"] Last night M said that this coming week NO MATTER WHAT he wants to bring the divorce papers to the Court House and happen what happens he wants to commence his divorce. I had been telling him about my son's phone call yesterday. My son is very frightened because he feels this is the month that worldwide calamity will lead to chaos and the dissolution of the financial system and martial law. My son called to tell me he loved me very much. I told him I loved him too. He apparently felt a hanging back from me (or a lingering sense of undeserving in himself) and noted it. I said: I can only state what is true for me. I love you. I have always loved you. In these years that have been hard, I could have done better. Way better. I forgive myself. The only thing we have is now. If a calamity is coming I do not want to give up my now, with anxiety and fear. He said he did not either, but I know it is hard for him. I mentioned to him that I want to go to the beach on the Pacific near where he is to disburse my mother's remains and would he want to meet M and I to honor the memory of grandma? We could go to lunch or dinner afterwards. He said yes. (He had said he wanted to come here to see each other before the collapse. I suggested this as an alternative.) I have a problem with envy, too. It is when I am thinking from a zero sum game and feel: if somebody else has that...they are taking away the possibility of my having it. [I]Like it was in my family. Then I remember. I can have it if I want. [/I] Like when I cheated last week and saw online that my sister is probably buying a mansion. I do not want a mansion. But if I decided to move to a place where housing is inexpensive or work all of the rest of my life I could probably have one. I do not want to. But my sister needs to have a mansion. She has always wanted one. Or to live in the most prestigious neighborhoods of prestigious areas. So, I am thinking here of the rigidity of roles. And how our sisters are trapped into feeding their own desire to be best, most, special, even through their kids. I must say in fairness that my sister has tried to parent her twins with perfect equality...in affection, gifts, opportunities...and I read yesterday that that too...the rigid and deliberate attempt to counteract and balance out the competitive dog eat dog family of origin environment is itself a function of the very same toxicity from whence it came. My sister's first born twin is accomplished, independent, confident and capable. The other is timid, gentle and dependent. When it came time for college, the fist twin got into a large urban University (the very one that I went to. Interesting, huh? ) This twin is also the one that went to study in the same foreign big city where I had lived and to study in the same University where I had studied.) The 2nd timid twin, who did not gain entry into a university? My sister sent her to a community 2 year college in a beach town 3 or 4 hours away, paid for an apartment, etc....so that she could have equal to her sister. (Had she stayed home she would have been in a prettier beach town, with her friends and her mother.) The child ended up a binge alcoholic...and totaled her stepfather's car. My sister does feel comfortable at home with her family. She is relaxed. She could be comfortable at my mother's too. After reading the articles on parents who focus on their children...to perform...so that they can bask in the reflected glory, do you see, Cedar, a parallel in your sister? I am filled with sadness for us. At this moment I feel only compassion for my sister and for yours Cedar. I believe that my sister, [I]given what she got as a child[/I], lived as well as she could. I could have given her love and acceptance [I]as she was. [/I]I chose not to. My Mother in the last few years of her life [I]begged me [/I]to accept my sister as she was and to love her. Over and over again my mother would say, you have to accept people as they are. Flaws or not. Because nobody is without flaws. We will all be alone if we demand perfection. While I could understand my mother's words...I would not accept them in my heart. I felt I needed and wanted to punish my sister's transgressions. There was a moral superiority in me. That I felt but did not at the time question. A feeling like I had the right to punish and to withhold love...conditionally. As I write this I recognize that this is what the narcissistic mother does. She withholds affection and approval to control and to manipulate in the family. I feel ashamed. I do not know what to do now. I will put this aside. This is enough, for now. COPA [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
When you take the place of the real abuser in your abusers life
Top