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Family of Origin
When you take the place of the real abuser in your abusers life
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 666739" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I love this for you both, Copa.</p><p></p><p>That is what D H says about everything. If it happens, we will respond in ways that are appropriate, then. If it happens, plans made in a time of plenty are going to fail. </p><p></p><p>Flexibility.</p><p></p><p>Trust in ourselves to do what then needs to be done.</p><p></p><p>Pleasure, taken in the now, to guide us, then.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>What more compelling way of celebrating family could there ever be. This is lovely, Copa.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am thinking this has to do with how we were taught to beat ourselves up in our families of origin. It is good to look at these patterns, and takes much courage.</p><p></p><p>At the end of this, there will be us, come real, come out from under those wrong ways we were taught to see ourselves and everyone and every thing.</p><p></p><p>I have been doing looking into eyes of pictures of people, lately. Or reading Humans of New York ~ man that is an amazing creation. Very real things about what it is, human.</p><p></p><p>Or in my new mom Dr. Ben Carson's eyes, of course.</p><p></p><p>Yes. I like his eyes and his mouth too, very much.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Copa.</p><p></p><p>Our sisters don't love us.</p><p></p><p>They would eat us alive.</p><p></p><p>Maybe your mom was trying to be sure you never escaped. They do things like that.</p><p></p><p>The best thing you have done for yourself Copa, is to separate from those patterns. It was in going back that you began to question yourself, and lost the flow of your life.</p><p></p><p>Me, too.</p><p></p><p>Serenity, too.</p><p></p><p>When we are fully healed, then we can think about these things in this way. We are so freshly into our healing now. We cannot see clearly yet. Like when I called my sister's toxic adult behavior "bratty". My sister is a sixty year old woman fixated on seeing me broken, abandoned, destroyed.</p><p></p><p>I need to get that.</p><p></p><p>And let her go.</p><p></p><p>She is not that little girl. Maybe, she never was. Remember that Nietschze quote. (Cedar says, freely spelling Neitzsche any way she wants.)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Copa...did you see this behavior in your mother? Was she accepting?</p><p></p><p>Our sisters are out to get us.</p><p></p><p>Feets, don't fail me, now.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well hello, Copa. Our sisters do not love us. I believe my sister really does hate me. The problem I have is that I feel defending myself by telling myself what is really going on here is cruel. I wish I'd punished my sisters freaking multiple transgressions. Oh, boy, do I.</p><p></p><p>Then, like D H says, I would know why everything fell apart.</p><p></p><p>That is not moral superiority, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Our sisters are snake mean. We don't accept that because we are the older sisters. Raised in oppressive, abusive, forever screwed up to the maximum environments, we did the best we could, for them and for us. Each of our sisters feels the same way about us. In that they each seem to hate us, I mean. That has to do with FOO issues.</p><p></p><p><em>Pray for their peace and therein, find our own.</em></p><p></p><p>Feets, don't fail me now.</p><p></p><p>That is how to remember to feel, whenever we feel protective of our mean as snakes, determined to see us broken and poverty struck and bereft, sisters.</p><p></p><p>And if we cannot remember to say that prayer? Then "Feets, don't fail me now." will be just fine.</p><p></p><p>Our sisters are really mean, Copa.</p><p></p><p>If your sister was comfortable at your mom's Copa...what were they both doing, to you? </p><p></p><p>"What would Cedar do." </p><p></p><p>That's what.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I feel that way too, Copa. It is an artifact of FOO dysfunction. <em>Copa, we were never their mothers.</em> We were just little girls, too.</p><p></p><p>We were just little girls, Copa.</p><p></p><p>However much older you were than your sister, you got walloped, like I did too, with this whole responsibility to protect. However much older you were than your sister then Copa <em>you were still just a scared little girl doing the best anyone could ever do in our situations.</em> Some little girls in our situations abused the sisters and brothers. This is what our sisters learned to do, to us.</p><p></p><p>You are not responsible for your sister's inability to come to a sense of integrity in her adult relationships. She does it to everyone in her life, as does my sister, as does Serenity's.</p><p></p><p>That is how we can know whether we are dealing with a predator: What do they do in the rest of their lives. If they are coming out of everything smelling like a rose? You can be pretty sure they are standing in some pretty bad...potting medium.</p><p></p><p>Organic, right from the cow potting medium.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Copa, this pattern of guilt and sadness is an artifact. You merit so much more than their recycled abuse, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Who cares what our sisters do. They can address their shortcomings or stay away from us forever.</p><p></p><p>Feets. Do not fail me, now.</p><p></p><p>Don't let me fall into toxic love with my mom, with my sister.</p><p></p><p><em>Pray for their peace and therein, find our own.</em></p><p></p><p>No more toxic artifact love for me, or for Copa, or for Serenity.</p><p></p><p>No more.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p></p><p>Whatever happened to our sisters (and I do think it is genetic), none of this is our responsibility. You cannot have a relationship with someone whose intention, whose fondest wish, is to see you obliterated.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 666739, member: 17461"] I love this for you both, Copa. That is what D H says about everything. If it happens, we will respond in ways that are appropriate, then. If it happens, plans made in a time of plenty are going to fail. Flexibility. Trust in ourselves to do what then needs to be done. Pleasure, taken in the now, to guide us, then. What more compelling way of celebrating family could there ever be. This is lovely, Copa. I am thinking this has to do with how we were taught to beat ourselves up in our families of origin. It is good to look at these patterns, and takes much courage. At the end of this, there will be us, come real, come out from under those wrong ways we were taught to see ourselves and everyone and every thing. I have been doing looking into eyes of pictures of people, lately. Or reading Humans of New York ~ man that is an amazing creation. Very real things about what it is, human. Or in my new mom Dr. Ben Carson's eyes, of course. Yes. I like his eyes and his mouth too, very much. Copa. Our sisters don't love us. They would eat us alive. Maybe your mom was trying to be sure you never escaped. They do things like that. The best thing you have done for yourself Copa, is to separate from those patterns. It was in going back that you began to question yourself, and lost the flow of your life. Me, too. Serenity, too. When we are fully healed, then we can think about these things in this way. We are so freshly into our healing now. We cannot see clearly yet. Like when I called my sister's toxic adult behavior "bratty". My sister is a sixty year old woman fixated on seeing me broken, abandoned, destroyed. I need to get that. And let her go. She is not that little girl. Maybe, she never was. Remember that Nietschze quote. (Cedar says, freely spelling Neitzsche any way she wants.) Copa...did you see this behavior in your mother? Was she accepting? Our sisters are out to get us. Feets, don't fail me, now. Well hello, Copa. Our sisters do not love us. I believe my sister really does hate me. The problem I have is that I feel defending myself by telling myself what is really going on here is cruel. I wish I'd punished my sisters freaking multiple transgressions. Oh, boy, do I. Then, like D H says, I would know why everything fell apart. That is not moral superiority, Copa. Our sisters are snake mean. We don't accept that because we are the older sisters. Raised in oppressive, abusive, forever screwed up to the maximum environments, we did the best we could, for them and for us. Each of our sisters feels the same way about us. In that they each seem to hate us, I mean. That has to do with FOO issues. [I]Pray for their peace and therein, find our own.[/I] Feets, don't fail me now. That is how to remember to feel, whenever we feel protective of our mean as snakes, determined to see us broken and poverty struck and bereft, sisters. And if we cannot remember to say that prayer? Then "Feets, don't fail me now." will be just fine. Our sisters are really mean, Copa. If your sister was comfortable at your mom's Copa...what were they both doing, to you? "What would Cedar do." That's what. I feel that way too, Copa. It is an artifact of FOO dysfunction. [I]Copa, we were never their mothers.[/I] We were just little girls, too. We were just little girls, Copa. However much older you were than your sister, you got walloped, like I did too, with this whole responsibility to protect. However much older you were than your sister then Copa [I]you were still just a scared little girl doing the best anyone could ever do in our situations.[/I] Some little girls in our situations abused the sisters and brothers. This is what our sisters learned to do, to us. You are not responsible for your sister's inability to come to a sense of integrity in her adult relationships. She does it to everyone in her life, as does my sister, as does Serenity's. That is how we can know whether we are dealing with a predator: What do they do in the rest of their lives. If they are coming out of everything smelling like a rose? You can be pretty sure they are standing in some pretty bad...potting medium. Organic, right from the cow potting medium. :O) Copa, this pattern of guilt and sadness is an artifact. You merit so much more than their recycled abuse, Copa. Who cares what our sisters do. They can address their shortcomings or stay away from us forever. Feets. Do not fail me, now. Don't let me fall into toxic love with my mom, with my sister. [I]Pray for their peace and therein, find our own.[/I] No more toxic artifact love for me, or for Copa, or for Serenity. No more. Cedar Whatever happened to our sisters (and I do think it is genetic), none of this is our responsibility. You cannot have a relationship with someone whose intention, whose fondest wish, is to see you obliterated. [/QUOTE]
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When you take the place of the real abuser in your abusers life
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