When your parent is a 'difficult child' ?

goldenguru

Active Member
Wow. I'm overwhelmed by all of the responses. Thank you.

I guess if the only red flag that I was seeing was the morphine use, I would be less concerned.

Janet ~ after reading the article you posted I would most definitely place my mom in the addicted category.

inability to take medications according to an agreed upon schedule- my dad has the medications in the locked safe. He doles them out one dose at a time. He doesn't trust her to not take too much.

frequent reports of lost or stolen prescriptions they have fired two housekeepers for stealing medications. They never called the police. I knew the one woman. There is no way in hello that she stole my mothers medications.

isolation from family and friends - she has become a hermit. She routinely skips out on family functions. She even missed out on Christmas last year and has already stated that she doesn't want to do family holidays anymore.

non-compliance with recommended non-opioid treatments or evaluations; that would be her refusal to get physical therapy or hydro therapy ... to join a support group or get therapy.

insistence on rapid-onset formulations/routes of administration- she chews her vicodan ... I have tried to explain to her the dangers of this practice. It falls on deaf ears.

reports of no relief whatsoever by any non-opioid treatments they have tried oxycontin, codienes, and pain patches. She insists they do nothing for her.

persistent sedation or intoxication due to overuse she sleeps around the clock. She falls several times a week. She loses whole days

And as I have explained, there are the mental components that has red flags waving all over the place.

She has only seen one doctor. There were no long extensive battery of tests. One pain specialist. He diagnosed and has slowly upped the medicinal ante. I have BEGGED my parents to allow me to go to one of these visits. To meet this man and ask some intelligent questions. I have been flat out refused. She refuses to seek other opinions.

As I stated in my earlier post ... she is a mere ghost of the person that she used to be just two years ago. She tells me "I'm just getting old". (shes' 64). She tells me "This is as good as I'm gonna get".

It is very scary. It is very sad.

Thank you for your insights and responses. It has given me something to chew on.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
GG...then from what you are telling me, she needs a completely new evaluation and her doctor is incompetent.

If he is treating other patients in the same manner in which he is treating your mother then he will soon be in trouble with the feds and then she will be SOL because he will be out of practice and no one will give her the medications she is on.

I really hope someone can give you and your mom the help she deserves.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
I think Beth has a really good idea, if only your mum will let you - go to the doctor with her, for her next appointment.

The main thing I think Janet & I were both on about, is to be sure that you're not merely labelling it as addiction, simply because of what she feels she has to take, and why. But if, after all this discussion, you still feel addiction is at least part of the problem, then go ahead and see what you can do. Janet dug up some good resources which you seem to have got some good value out of. Whatever you do now, it is with a much better knowledge base which should make it easier for you to go more accurately to the heart of the problem.

If you cannot get in to see the doctor with your mother, then either telephone the doctor or write him a letter expressing your concerns and describing recent behaviour concerns. Be aware - the doctor may mention this to your mother or show her the letter - bear this in mind as you write it and weigh your decisions and words carefully. I have given you a picture into how she would be thinking/feeling, if she is NOT abusing her medications. If she is, then you can ramp up the paranoia another few notches. You need to be prepared for the fallout.

She should have more doctors than just the pain doctor. I would be deeply concerned if she does not - all the pain specialist can do, or should be doing, is dealing with the chronic pain. He should have other doctors to liaise with, concerning the other aspects of her health issues. She should have a GP and either a neurologist or immunologist (or similar). If she does not, it is not the pain specialist's fault necessarily - but he needs to know there is nobody else keeping her health on as even a keel as possible. But ten - this could be an aspect of the US health system which costs such a vast amount if you are ill. When you've got a choice between paying yet another doctor, or being able to afford your pain medications - I know what I'd be doing, unfortunately.

Where is your father in this? I'm not quite sure. if he feels she really needs the pain medications and is not abusing them, then he will resemble an enabler, but is actually doing his job. If she IS an addict and he is supporting this because she is less violent when she's doped up, then he IS enabling and it is an unhealthy codependent relationship.

Maybe a starting point for your expressed concerns could be to publicly ACCEPT that she needs the pain medications, but express concerns that she may be having a behaviour reaction to the medications, similar to my father's hallucinations on it (I know others react the same way). There ARE other medications with similar degree of effect available now (I love new developments), which do not cause the same reactions. Her pain specialist may not know about any of these problems and would happily make a switch. I know they've been working on a variation on marijuana, taking out the "high" stuff and leaving some effective analgesia medications specific for severe long-term pain (or even end-stage cancer).

My best friend had appalling troubles when her father went into dementia and her mother coped with the combination of his extreme controlling behaviour plus her own severe back pain, by drinking. My friend even called the ACAT (Aged Care and Assessment Team) to make a surprise visit and assess them, but without the couple's consent they could not intervene - it took her father falling on the steps of the pub and breaking his hip, to get action. And for him, it was too late, he never recovered.

So be aware - a lot of your concerns, you may not be able to do anything about.

Perhaps a starting point - talk to your own GP about what you could do. Maybe ring a counselling line which deals with dementia, addiction, elderly relatives - pick their brains about what options are open to you. And then, if the advice is to talk to her specialist, follow through on it with a carefully worded letter. Because if he STILL does nothing, then you have left a paper trail which you can use to sue the pants off him should it later turn out that he is negligent.

A pain specialist has a lot of standards he must meet, in order to remain in practice. A number of them double up as specialists in addiction medicine (my own GP is now going down this road himself; we have to see him in a drug rehab clinic which he's just moved to, I really feel awkward going there - love the guy, but I now need a new GP to handle GP stuff).

So if this guy is not meeting those standards, he will lose his job, as he should.

Good luck, I hope you can get some valid answers in this.

Marg
 

susiestar

Roll With It
gg,

I wish you the best in this fight. I know it from both sides. It is never easy, not if you are in chronic pain, not if you are addicted, not if you love someone with one of these problems.

I am currently moving very little. I have several of the disorders mentioned (no - you goofs- not alzheimers!) and take breakthrough medications, pain patches, topical pain patches, and several others. I am allergic or intolerant of many medications, so the few I can take I must take to function.

I don't cook every day. I don't scrub much of anything. I don't have a walker, yet, but unless medicine coughs up a miracle I will someday.

I am waiting to see 2 new specialists next week (what fun!) to see if they can fix my spine so I can feel in all my fingers and all the places I am supposed to feel. Until then I a supposed to only do what I absolutely must and be on bed rest. Blick. I hate it.

I know you love your mom. I hope things get better for her, and for you. With al lthat you have posted, I would have to say keep the kids away fdorm her, who knows what she wll do?

Susie
 

Sara PA

New Member
Have you considered that the deteriorating mental condition is related to the increase use of drugs? You might want to google the names of her drugs and psychosis. You'll get hits.
 

weaselqt

New Member
My easy child/difficult child 1 has several "possible" health diagnosis - but not "actual" ones - and one of them is fibromyalgia.

She is in constant pain. Her rheumatologist has us do this: mix aspercream & ben gay and place in refrigerator before applying. If the smell is too strong, we are now using "Blue Goo" - an emu oil based cream. Very nice - I've used it and the smell isn't so strong. Also, massage, massage, massage. She will totally become putty in our hands when we offer massage. Check your area and see if there are masseuses (sp?) who will come to your home. There are some here and we have paid $25 for some massage therapy. Go to her dr. appointment with her and ask him if he can prescribe massage therapy?

Just give a try - I hope it helps.
 
F

flutterbee

Guest
Vicodin, ambien, muscle relaxers are all treatments for fibro.

https://web.archive.org/web/20111013150114/http://www.fmnetnews.com/basics-treatment.php

I have days with hardly any pain at all, although the fatigue and brain fog are fairly constant...their degree varies. I have noticed that on the days I have more pain, the fatigue and brain fog are much worse. Keep in mind that "fatigue" doesn't mean being tired. It means feeling like every ounce of energy has been pulled out of you. I've had days where just lifting a glass to my mouth was an effort.

I've had a pain flare up the last two days. On days like this, climbing the stairs is a monumental task. There isn't a part of my body that doesn't hurt and my muscles feel very weak and shaky. I've been taking advil every 3 hours for the last 2 days and it hasn't touched it. At all.

Having said all that, a second opinion can never hurt even in an ideal situation. What your mother is getting from her doctor sounds much less than ideal.
 

envisablepuppet

New Member
My husband is on pain management. His medications include morphine and vicodin. He has to be on these medications or he can't function at all. He has good days and bad days. He will always be on these medications until they come up with a different alternative for him. For now they allow him to lead an almost normal life as long as he takes many, many breaks and is allowed certain compensations.

Right now this is all he can do. There was one other option but we ruled it out because of the dangers and very possible outcome of his being maimed for life. That will probably happen in our future anyway but he will always have to be on the medications.

He was injured on his job and was lucky he wasn't killed. This was about three or four years ago. I watch him deteriorate right before my eyes. If the insurance company wouldn't have dragged their feet and did the surgery when they should have this wouldn't have happened. They waited for six months to do surgery on a crushed vertebrae that was still bleeding in his neck so now the main nerve in his neck is slowing dying. In the future he will probably lose his arm and still have the pain.

We know a lot of ppl on pain management now and from my experience these medications have a very different effect on different ppl. My husband does mostly pretty good and stays pretty clear headed most of the time. Most of the other ppl we know on lower doses of the same medications don't do well at all. They can not function. They make bad judgements and have complete personality changes. I seriously think it depends on each individual. I pray daily that my husband won't get "disfunctional" like a lot of the other ppl we know. husband worries about this all the time. He needs his medications tweaked but he won't do it until he can no longer manage on the dose he is taking now. He deals with more pain then he needs to but refuses to take more medications because he knows he won't be able to funtion at all.

I don't have any advice to offer about your mother but I do have sincere sympathy for her and the other ppl in her life this is affecting. Like I said my husband has good days mostly but the bad days are sooooo bad :(.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Lea, from what I understand, if you're going to have a problem on the opiates, it will be from fairly early on. mother in law gets nauseous and physically ill on them; my father, and a few other people I know, can't take it because they hallucinate. And that's a fairly immediate thing.

I've not heard of people suddenly going strange on it.

Sara's link could be worth checking out, if you have concerns. Especially GG - I haven't had time to check it myself (sorry, Sara) because I'm on a borrowed computer, but it sounds like she's describing my father's reaction.

The one consolation is, this is a safer medication (in terms of the rest of the body's tolerance) than most others.

GG, I hope you can get some answers soon, on what options you have to try to help your mother.

Marg
 

goldenguru

Active Member
Thanks ladies.

I did check out the site posted by Sara. It is the same information I have read over the past several years. And I'm sad to say that her pain specialist does NOTHING suggested other than prescribe more morphine.

I spent the afternoon with my parents yesterday. My mom is so pathetic. It breaks my heart.
 

hearthope

New Member
GG your post could have been talking about my mom.

Take into consideration that one has to come to terms with the fact that they can no longer do the things they once did.

Extreme pain itself will put you in a brain fog. You can't carry on a conversation. you can't concentrate enough to read, all you can do is isolate yourself from any stimuli and hope to get in a position that eases it some.

Depression is very likely. Most of the things you posted I have witnessed in my mom.

She came out of her shell when my Dad (her caretaker) was diagnosis'ed with Parkinsons. He stopped being able to be the caretaker.

There are many things that neither of them can do now.

Sometimes just getting out of bed is the only thing she can accomplish.

Without going into all her diagnosis'es, she had to use all the medications that have been discussed, just to be able to bare the pain.

I, at one time, had the same feelings towards the medications my mom was on. My dad, like said in an earlier post, was losing his wife and was too close to the situation to do anything.

It has been with an open mind and an open heart that I was able to understand what she had to deal with on a daily basis.

I understand now that she was doing all she could do to survive the pain.

Those that don't suffer from the pain of these diagnosis'es, really can't imagine how hard it is to deal with. I think staying asleep in bed is one of the only escapes my mom had from enduring it.


Traci
 
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