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Family of Origin
When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 669836" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Would you feel comfortable posting in more detail about the feeling of responsibility, Copa? Could this feeling of global responsibility be an artifact of a child's need to believe that, if she had been perfect enough, the bad things that did happen would not have happened? </p><p></p><p>I found that belief in myself, as we processed past trauma here on FOO Chronicles. Even as an adult, that belief, that need to be perfect in every smallest thing, funneled anxiety about what was happening into a kind of self accusation, into a version of self contempt that kept me hooked in to the Family of Origin dynamic I'd grown up with. </p><p></p><p>Not only as applies to interactions with my family of origin, but in the ways I was seeing, and responding to, my children and grands.</p><p></p><p>As we worked through those feelings here, I was able to be okay with things not being perfect. I stopped holding that fantasy of family dinner as my paramount value. I was able to stop resenting what I had because it was not perfect.</p><p></p><p>It was real, instead.</p><p></p><p>Once that happened, I could tell myself the truth: I cannot control the way others choose to see, or what they choose to do, or how they justify it. I learned and was able to accept, down where we don't have words, that what motivates other people is just what motivates other people. It was after that, that I could trace where I was holding myself in contempt, and how that all went together, and clear it.</p><p></p><p>So there is the answer to M's and husband contention that all the time we've devoted to ourselves this summer may have been less valuable than we believed.</p><p></p><p>I am grateful to have had this opportunity.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, Copa.</p><p></p><p>And Serenity, if you are reading.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>"I turned my back on my family..."</p><p></p><p>But you came back, Copa.</p><p></p><p>You left the life you'd risked everything to create, for their sakes. You came home, and protected your mother.</p><p></p><p>And this was done at great cost to yourself, and to M.</p><p></p><p>And you never even blinked.</p><p></p><p>I think you were courageous, and loving.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Please do this, Copa.</p><p></p><p>I want this for you, very much.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Maybe there will be something you can learn from M, Copa. Mosaic tiling, maybe. Unless I chicken out, I am going to tile our bathroom here next year. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/smile.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":smile:" title="smile :smile:" data-shortname=":smile:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>husband is upset with me too, for being on the computer. He too swears it is affecting our relationship. On the other hand, I have been able to address and I think, resolve core issues having to do with Family of Origin through the work we have done, here. I think this is true for you also Copa, especially in the strength and courage you have shown in the way you have changed the dynamic between yourself and your son.</p><p></p><p>Time will tell whether we have accomplished lasting healing or have only been distracting ourselves. Serenity too made enormous strides in self concept; when she was last here with us, she had developed a number of friendships in the real world and had started classes related to volunteer work she cared deeply about.</p><p></p><p>I agree that we have put other aspects of our lives on hold to accomplish a goal...but I think we each have made enormous progress.</p><p></p><p>husband says: We will see. Sometimes, he says: "I would rather hear about your mother and sister every day of my life than hear that stupid computer clicking away."</p><p></p><p>I no longer grieve or resent or even, condemn the situation in my family of origin. I am at peace with all of it in a way I have never been, before. I don't understand why it is the way it is. I no longer believe there must be some way, some word or phrase or action I could take to help us all come together. There is some sadness in that acknowledgement, but the driving grief, the sense of failure surrounding all of it that I once felt, has dissipated.</p><p></p><p>I wish them well, and understand that each of us has done the best he or she knows.</p><p></p><p>I respect myself for standing up.</p><p></p><p>I feel no guilt over the decisions I've made regarding family of origin. Nor am I ashamed that I tried and failed. I am...I did the right things I could know to do.</p><p></p><p>As I am doing, now.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think it will change everything for you to begin bringing lunch to M, and to work with him. I am pleased for you, Copa. Like Serenity, and like I have too, you have come so far from where you were in the beginning. M is correct (as is husband) that the value of our time commitment to healing cannot be known until we are out in the real world, and not so much online.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We do, too. Have fun when we travel, I mean. Everything not in the moment recedes. It's fun to be together without distraction; fun to have husband be my person when there are strangers, and strange customs, all around, and we are the only ones who know just how strange we, or they, are. We come away from a trip liking ourselves and each other and our lifestyle choices all the more, for having been away.</p><p></p><p>I am into your second post Copa, so I will end this one and begin another.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>But I was thinking about M's and husband's contention that the computer time we've devoted to ourselves this summer was not as valuable as it seemed, to us. The time we have spent here together has had great meaning for me. </p><p></p><p>I appreciate the time you and Serenity have given me, Copa.</p><p></p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/starplucker.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":starplucker:" title="starplucker :starplucker:" data-shortname=":starplucker:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 669836, member: 17461"] Would you feel comfortable posting in more detail about the feeling of responsibility, Copa? Could this feeling of global responsibility be an artifact of a child's need to believe that, if she had been perfect enough, the bad things that did happen would not have happened? I found that belief in myself, as we processed past trauma here on FOO Chronicles. Even as an adult, that belief, that need to be perfect in every smallest thing, funneled anxiety about what was happening into a kind of self accusation, into a version of self contempt that kept me hooked in to the Family of Origin dynamic I'd grown up with. Not only as applies to interactions with my family of origin, but in the ways I was seeing, and responding to, my children and grands. As we worked through those feelings here, I was able to be okay with things not being perfect. I stopped holding that fantasy of family dinner as my paramount value. I was able to stop resenting what I had because it was not perfect. It was real, instead. Once that happened, I could tell myself the truth: I cannot control the way others choose to see, or what they choose to do, or how they justify it. I learned and was able to accept, down where we don't have words, that what motivates other people is just what motivates other people. It was after that, that I could trace where I was holding myself in contempt, and how that all went together, and clear it. So there is the answer to M's and husband contention that all the time we've devoted to ourselves this summer may have been less valuable than we believed. I am grateful to have had this opportunity. Thank you, Copa. And Serenity, if you are reading. "I turned my back on my family..." But you came back, Copa. You left the life you'd risked everything to create, for their sakes. You came home, and protected your mother. And this was done at great cost to yourself, and to M. And you never even blinked. I think you were courageous, and loving. Please do this, Copa. I want this for you, very much. Maybe there will be something you can learn from M, Copa. Mosaic tiling, maybe. Unless I chicken out, I am going to tile our bathroom here next year. :smile: :hugs: husband is upset with me too, for being on the computer. He too swears it is affecting our relationship. On the other hand, I have been able to address and I think, resolve core issues having to do with Family of Origin through the work we have done, here. I think this is true for you also Copa, especially in the strength and courage you have shown in the way you have changed the dynamic between yourself and your son. Time will tell whether we have accomplished lasting healing or have only been distracting ourselves. Serenity too made enormous strides in self concept; when she was last here with us, she had developed a number of friendships in the real world and had started classes related to volunteer work she cared deeply about. I agree that we have put other aspects of our lives on hold to accomplish a goal...but I think we each have made enormous progress. husband says: We will see. Sometimes, he says: "I would rather hear about your mother and sister every day of my life than hear that stupid computer clicking away." I no longer grieve or resent or even, condemn the situation in my family of origin. I am at peace with all of it in a way I have never been, before. I don't understand why it is the way it is. I no longer believe there must be some way, some word or phrase or action I could take to help us all come together. There is some sadness in that acknowledgement, but the driving grief, the sense of failure surrounding all of it that I once felt, has dissipated. I wish them well, and understand that each of us has done the best he or she knows. I respect myself for standing up. I feel no guilt over the decisions I've made regarding family of origin. Nor am I ashamed that I tried and failed. I am...I did the right things I could know to do. As I am doing, now. I think it will change everything for you to begin bringing lunch to M, and to work with him. I am pleased for you, Copa. Like Serenity, and like I have too, you have come so far from where you were in the beginning. M is correct (as is husband) that the value of our time commitment to healing cannot be known until we are out in the real world, and not so much online. We do, too. Have fun when we travel, I mean. Everything not in the moment recedes. It's fun to be together without distraction; fun to have husband be my person when there are strangers, and strange customs, all around, and we are the only ones who know just how strange we, or they, are. We come away from a trip liking ourselves and each other and our lifestyle choices all the more, for having been away. I am into your second post Copa, so I will end this one and begin another. Cedar But I was thinking about M's and husband's contention that the computer time we've devoted to ourselves this summer was not as valuable as it seemed, to us. The time we have spent here together has had great meaning for me. I appreciate the time you and Serenity have given me, Copa. :starplucker: Cedar [/QUOTE]
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When your past as a child, follows you as a mother, as a person.
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