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Where and when does it end?
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 715465" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Welcome Nessie and Ninjamom,</p><p>This situation we are all in here may be one of the most difficult challenges known to parents of adult children. They have gone wayward from everything we have taught them. Wayward, thats' the term I use for my two, who have similar journeys as yours.</p><p> We are drawn into a horrendous dramatic cycle along with these adult children as they choose perilous paths, lamenting their upbringing, manipulating our emotions, hope and love for them. </p><p><em>I still have hope</em> that my two will find their true potential, but have realized it is <em><strong>completely up to them to seek and find that. </strong></em></p><p><em><strong></strong></em></p><p>That's where it ends.</p><p></p><p>I am no counselor, just a mom and grandmother and a recent widow, who has literally been through the wringer, <em>waiting for a pivot point.</em> Been through the cycle of comings and goings, opened my home up in hopes that change may come, only to suffer the consequences of their life's choice. Lied to, stolen from, manipulated and turned emotionally upside down and sideways with distress and worry.</p><p></p><p>I have come to realize that it ends with me. </p><p></p><p>It ends with my refusal to be drawn into the storm. </p><p></p><p>It ends with the understanding that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change another adults lifestyle choices and the consequences there of.</p><p></p><p> It ends when I let go and let God.</p><p></p><p>It is not easy to find peace when the child you so love becomes an adult and goes off the rails. It is a constant work in progress to switch focus to the only person I have some control of......me. There are many obstacles along the way to becoming steady state and resolved towards living life to the fullest, despite what our adult children are doing. </p><p>We are all at different crossroads when it comes to this work we have before us.</p><p>I feel that addiction, the mental instability that comes with it, is a giant tornado, seeking to suck into its vortex and wreak havoc in the lives of people closest to the addict. </p><p>I call it the "swirly whirly". </p><p>We are left dazed, confused, depressed and in this state, we are most easily manipulated and used. </p><p>It is as if we are swimming sychronistically alongside of our adult children, holding our breath, waiting for the next cycle of chaos.</p><p>This is not good for them, or us.</p><p>It takes a lot to see this and work towards pulling out of the quicksand. Addiction will leave parents feeling that we have to stay "in the game", that to pull up and out of it is "abandonment" and that if we do manage to detach from the drama, we are not "loving" our adult children.</p><p>There is nothing further from the truth.</p><p>Detachment does not mean that we coldly ignore and cut off our beloveds.It means that we begin to see <em>our emotional involvement and downfall </em>with all of this for what it is.......<em><strong>just as destructive as addiction. </strong></em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I feel that the best thing we can do for our beloveds is to<strong> recognize ourselves as worthy of living full and productive lives, to refuse to be used and abused, to stand up for ourselves and say NO MORE!</strong></p><p></p><p>To be able to change patterns of response and mindset takes a lot of work. </p><p>Keep posting and take the advice that works for you. Build a toolbox. There are tons of books and videos, the wisdom from parents here is amazing and comforting in knowing that we are not alone. There are many others who have been where you are.</p><p></p><p><em>The end of the story is not yet written</em>, and even though my two are deeply enmeshed in their choices, <em>I still hold out hope for them.</em> Where there is life, there is hope.</p><p>I love them dearly, but work towards understanding that I cannot help them decide to live differently, I am not responsible for their choices, I do not need to suffer their consequences with them.</p><p>Do I fall back and make mistakes? </p><p>Yup, I am only human.</p><p>I fail, fall, pray, then try my best to pick myself up and start all over again.</p><p>I post here and am so comforted by the loving kindness of fellow warrior parents gracing this site with their wisdom.</p><p>I hold out hope for my two, and me.</p><p></p><p>I recognize that nothing changes, if nothing changes, and the only power I have over change, starts with me.</p><p></p><p>The best part of life is that every second, every minute, hour, every day, we have an opportunity to do things differently.</p><p></p><p>It ends when we shift our focus towards working on ourselves, to healing, living, and yes, finding those precious moments of peace and even joy.</p><p></p><p>I think that is the best thing we can do for all of our children, show by example a path to taking care of themselves, <em>by how we care for ourselves. </em></p><p>Aloha and welcome again to this forum<em>. </em></p><p><em>I am so very sorry for your need to be here and for your hurting hearts.</em></p><p>Hugs to you both and strength be with you on this tough journey.</p><p>You are not alone.</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 715465, member: 19522"] Welcome Nessie and Ninjamom, This situation we are all in here may be one of the most difficult challenges known to parents of adult children. They have gone wayward from everything we have taught them. Wayward, thats' the term I use for my two, who have similar journeys as yours. We are drawn into a horrendous dramatic cycle along with these adult children as they choose perilous paths, lamenting their upbringing, manipulating our emotions, hope and love for them. [I]I still have hope[/I] that my two will find their true potential, but have realized it is [I][B]completely up to them to seek and find that. [/B][/I] That's where it ends. I am no counselor, just a mom and grandmother and a recent widow, who has literally been through the wringer, [I]waiting for a pivot point.[/I] Been through the cycle of comings and goings, opened my home up in hopes that change may come, only to suffer the consequences of their life's choice. Lied to, stolen from, manipulated and turned emotionally upside down and sideways with distress and worry. I have come to realize that it ends with me. It ends with my refusal to be drawn into the storm. It ends with the understanding that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change another adults lifestyle choices and the consequences there of. It ends when I let go and let God. It is not easy to find peace when the child you so love becomes an adult and goes off the rails. It is a constant work in progress to switch focus to the only person I have some control of......me. There are many obstacles along the way to becoming steady state and resolved towards living life to the fullest, despite what our adult children are doing. We are all at different crossroads when it comes to this work we have before us. I feel that addiction, the mental instability that comes with it, is a giant tornado, seeking to suck into its vortex and wreak havoc in the lives of people closest to the addict. I call it the "swirly whirly". We are left dazed, confused, depressed and in this state, we are most easily manipulated and used. It is as if we are swimming sychronistically alongside of our adult children, holding our breath, waiting for the next cycle of chaos. This is not good for them, or us. It takes a lot to see this and work towards pulling out of the quicksand. Addiction will leave parents feeling that we have to stay "in the game", that to pull up and out of it is "abandonment" and that if we do manage to detach from the drama, we are not "loving" our adult children. There is nothing further from the truth. Detachment does not mean that we coldly ignore and cut off our beloveds.It means that we begin to see [I]our emotional involvement and downfall [/I]with all of this for what it is.......[I][B]just as destructive as addiction. [/B] [/I] I feel that the best thing we can do for our beloveds is to[B] recognize ourselves as worthy of living full and productive lives, to refuse to be used and abused, to stand up for ourselves and say NO MORE![/B] To be able to change patterns of response and mindset takes a lot of work. Keep posting and take the advice that works for you. Build a toolbox. There are tons of books and videos, the wisdom from parents here is amazing and comforting in knowing that we are not alone. There are many others who have been where you are. [I]The end of the story is not yet written[/I], and even though my two are deeply enmeshed in their choices, [I]I still hold out hope for them.[/I] Where there is life, there is hope. I love them dearly, but work towards understanding that I cannot help them decide to live differently, I am not responsible for their choices, I do not need to suffer their consequences with them. Do I fall back and make mistakes? Yup, I am only human. I fail, fall, pray, then try my best to pick myself up and start all over again. I post here and am so comforted by the loving kindness of fellow warrior parents gracing this site with their wisdom. I hold out hope for my two, and me. I recognize that nothing changes, if nothing changes, and the only power I have over change, starts with me. The best part of life is that every second, every minute, hour, every day, we have an opportunity to do things differently. It ends when we shift our focus towards working on ourselves, to healing, living, and yes, finding those precious moments of peace and even joy. I think that is the best thing we can do for all of our children, show by example a path to taking care of themselves, [I]by how we care for ourselves. [/I] Aloha and welcome again to this forum[I]. I am so very sorry for your need to be here and for your hurting hearts.[/I] Hugs to you both and strength be with you on this tough journey. You are not alone. Leafy [/QUOTE]
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