Where in the rules book does it say...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Andy, Jul 26, 2009.

  1. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    that atleast one child in the family has to be a major PITA at any given time? Can't I live a life where things are going right with both kids at the same time? difficult child seems to be well on track and now Diva is a heartbreaking PITA.

    Diva has been working all summer to go to an online photography program. She finally told husband the cost ($18,000 per year) and all her hard work to get in is squashed. We can not afford that and refuse to get into financial ruins over a loan that large!

    She is giving a major diva attitude. "Since I can't go where I want than I am not going anywhere! And besides, I don't have time in the next month to enroll in any classes." SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM!!!

    She doesn't want to move away to a good college with a child development program - our community college has NOTHING to offer her. I have asked her to take the pre-requists this fall at the local college but she believes her commitment to babysit for less than $4 per hour takes precident over a college education! OMG, the lady will more then understand if you back out of that job to get an education! When you are 18 - 22 years old, education should be TOP priority.

    She loves children - her first goal was to get a job working with kids. She is awesome with them but she doesn't want to do the stupid college basic classes to get the degree she wants. Stubborn!!!!
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Forgot to add that she spent her money to get her lip pierced just two nights ago. On the way to the cities this evening/night, she lost the ball to the piercing and had to stop and purchase a new one. That one was too small so she had to get another one! Used up all her food money for tomorrow so she is asking me to put $$ in her check account that she can draw off of.

    She has a $40 check at home that I told her I would deposit. She says she does not want to deposit that check right now. I told her that is the money she has available for food. "No, I don't want to use that money! What should I do? I don't have $$ for food!" "Ummm, use that $40, that is the only thing I have to put into your account - I am broke until Friday!"

    Why should I be giving her $$$ because she was careless in cleaning her lip piercing which I objected to to begin with? Ugh!!!

    My heart breaks as I know Diva will have a terrible time growing up as she only learns things the hard way. Actually, she is just spoiled rotten so in that she knows how things work, she pulls the diva tricks to work around any work and responisibility to earn anything. Guess we created our own monster.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Well, if she does't want to make a realistic choice for college or take out her own student loans to pay for it the she will have to do something else.

    It would be different to spend the money for the photography course if she had already spent huge chunks of time learning whatever she could outside the classroom. I can remember spending 3-6 hours A DAY after school working on photography. I did it for 3 years, along with good grades and a 5-6 day a week job.

    I can suggest what my parents told us, and what Wiz has been told by us and by my parents. As long as we are in school and working, and getting good grades, we could live at home and my parents would pay for the tuition and books. but when my bro stopped going to college and was going to mow lawns and do odd jobs for people (paying $4 or so an hour at that time) then he was told to go and make a life for himself while working these minimum wage jobs.

    maybe diva needs to be introduced to Job Corp or some similar program? I do think that if you let her live at home with all the luxuries that you and husband work so hard to pay for, well, it will be an even bigger jolt than it is at this time.

    As for saving the money from her check and getting seconds on food money from you all because she has a piercing, well, I guess it is a good game if you can get it.

    My mom tol me about a program called reality 411. You can do it at home through the computer. It takes a teen through all the expenses that they will incur if they are on their own. The idea is to give them some sense of how much things cost and how much they would be able to earn, as well as those "necessi-don'Tourette's Syndrome" like cable tv and fancy meals in restaurants.
  4. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Babysitting for $4 an hour might be a very valuable lesson for Diva. If she is going to choose 'full time work' over an education, you may want to ask her to help with rent and other reasonable living expenses in your home. She will learn quickly (yes the hard way) that a girl can't possible survive on $4 an hour.

    I know it will be hard to watch her flounder, but it may be the best education she receives in your young adult life.

    As far as food money, I would tell her that Raman noodles are cheap. Water from the tap will satisfy her thirst. Life is all about choices. She made hers.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I don't know what person is paying her $4 an hour to baby sit but if she checked around - the going rate with meals is a lot higher at day cares....maybe she could ask for a raise?

    Also tell her to check into these things while she is waiting -

    WIA - Workforce incentive act - they are usually located within your unemployment office and offer community college or tech school classes WITH free tuition. SHe will have to pick something that is available - but it will keep her busy at night - and keep her in school earning credits.

    There is also the Work KEYS program - through her local Adult Education program - she'll have to test in - and find out which local employers IF ANY are offering to hire her based on her test scores and completion of classes.

    Hope this helps.

    She can ALSO - check with local photography clubs and find out when they meet - where and get tips and such - I get Rangefinder magazine FREE all the time in the mail - casually puruse it and toss it out. She would probably love it. Do a google search for a free trial subscription or call them and ask.

    If she can't get in with photography - then why not find out about chemicals and get a chemists degree to start -and really learn the stuff? I live very close to Kodak Eastman plant and belive me tons of people work there, make great money.

    Hugs for the PITA girl - hope she goes from PITA to GYRO (pronounced HERO) lol.
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Can she take a few classes at the community college while working as a babysitter? is she paying for some of her own things with that money? I think that perhaps these things might very well be growth opportunities.

    Just because she isn't doing things your way, doesn't mean that it isn't a chance for growth.

    I think that I would commend her for wanting to work and if she choses to take some classes locally, this is a good thing as well. Why does she say she doesn't have time to enroll? What is this all about? How about one class?

    However, I would also continue to gently put a bug in her ear that at some point in time she might want more for herself.

    How old is she? How about telling her that if she isn't taking at least one college class and working hard at it too, then she will have to pay rent?

    My guess is sooner, rather than later, this will get old. Hopefully, she will see that there are greater opportunities out in the world for her.
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Andy, in my Parent Handbook it's on page 32, fourth paragraph, second sentence. ;)

    OMG, isn't it exasperating?

    I had one psychiatrist explain that the kid(s) get accustomed to a certain level of stress/chaos. When it reduces, they create stress to bring back what they are used to.

    ::banging head against wall::

    I'm sorry.

  8. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Thank you! It is just so frustrating when you can see a clear answer but your child refuses to accept it and refuses to look for a Plan B. If I could win that million dollar lottery than she can follow this dream. However, she has to learn that $$$ rules the world and if you don't have it, you don't have it.

    Diva just turned 19 years old. She has never been a good student - one of those smart kids who could do very well IF she put her mind to it. However, she only wants the easy way out and not willing to put in the work needed to reach a goal. Another reason we are not jumping for joy that she wants $18,000 per year for anything. She has not proved that she will live up to that responsibility.

    She has already failed on-line classes and has shown no intentions of even trying to get good grades, just the bare minimum to get by if even that.

    The food thing was for last night and today while traveling. She needed to purchase a few meals and then her aunt and uncle will take her out to eat tonight before her 3 hour drive home.

    She is 19 years old so there is only so much I can do. She has to decide for herself what she wants to do and we are more than happy to help her within our financial ability. I wish there was some photography classes in town that she can take for reasonable costs. Unfortunately, our local college has nothing to offer in the area of electives or serious art classes to get her started.

    It is not the photography we are opposed to, it is the cost of $18,000 per year. Like every other student, she has to find something within our budget to pursue. I really wished there was a photography program out there that wasn't so incredibly expensive. Unfortunately, her interests are so limited at this point.

    I will talk to the person she is traveling with next week and maybe that person can encourage her to make some plans for this fall. If those plans are not what I spelled out to her, I really don't care. I just found the only classes that I thought she would benefit from to follow her working with children goal. If she can find something she would rather do within the budget we gave her, she is more than free to do that.
  9. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm sorry you're going through this. Manster must have gotten ahold of that book and knows he has to be a PITA at all times due to being an only :)
  10. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Andy, trust me, I feel your pain. Our easy child has always been a really good kid but very sure he knows best. He went to a large university even though we thought it was too big for him. After a horrid year of miserable phone calls, he wanted to drop out(not on my dollar). He completed the year and took a leave of absence. He spent the last 14 months supporting himself on 8.50/hr. He had to pay for everything for himself(except car insurance which is bundled with ours). He struggled to make ends meet and has had little help from us.
    We even had to set boundaries about returning to school full time and working full time. I agree with you education is the priority and if working full time, school will suffer. He has finally come to understand that working part time and having tuition paid for is smarter than trying to pay for everything himself. He is a kid who has to learn by his life experiences.
    Fortunately, he is a good kid and is very self driven and self motivated but he is still a kid who needs some parental guidance. If he doesn't take my advice then he has to deal with consequences alone.

    He is set to return to school in Florida at the end of August. I'm trying to not get too excited. Hopefully the school of hard knocks taught him the value of education and having a broad range of experiences is important.

    He certainly made us work hard to let him be the person he wants to be. It didn't have to be so hard but it's the way he wants it.

    Hope diva finds a better way to problem solve and get the education that will support her for the rest of her life.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Do you remember the Cosby show where Bill Cosby sits Theo down with Monopoly money and physically shows him what things cost and how much money he will make on a regular job? Kinda opened up Theo's eyes.

    Does Diva think she is going to live with you forever or does she plan on moving out? 4 bucks an hour wont pay for living elsewhere. It will barely pay for her essentials living with you. I think a good financial talk is in order. If she doesnt wish to go to school, well, there are jobs to be had that she will have to find that make more money than 4 bucks an hour. They are hard work. Maybe she needs to see this.
  12. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Oh! I know! Send her to ME and she can babysit all three of my kids for $8 an hour! :D

    (Psst. Don't tell her they're difficult child's.. K?)