Where is he?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Annie2007, Jul 12, 2014.

  1. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    My son's check came today. I did what I have done before and sent the money via western union to the city where he is (I guess he still is). I sent him a text to tell him to call me because I had sent money. He has to have the confirmation number. No call from him. So later I called and left him a vm. No word from him yet. So I get to go to bed wondering if his phone is cut off, is he in jail, hospital or what. He never knows how much or when this check comes. Two years ago he was assaulted by three guys and they broke every bone in his face. One guy went to prison. The other guy got probation and has to make restitution payments every month to pay my son $15000 over four years. So, I sit here once again and wonder and worry. He would certainly be calling me if he thought he was getting some money. I am on pins and needles when I talk to him and same when I don't...

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  2. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Hi Annie
    Have you heard from your son yet? I often go weeks without hearing from my son. I used to worry a lot, but then he would just say that his phone battery was dead or he had no credit, and act as if I was really silly to be worrying, as if he couldn't understand what the problem was. I'm sure there's a simple reason why he hasn't contacted you yet. It's hard to be on pins waiting and constantly checking your phone. I hope you've found something nice to do today to take your mind off it. Let us know when you hear from him. x
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Annie, when I worried about my son, I would light a white candle for him. I would imagine the light from the candle shining out into the darkness, showing him the way home.

    I am sorry you haven't heard yet, Annie.

    It is so hard, when we love them as we do.

  4. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    Yes, I did hear from him...from Hawaii!!! The first time he called he said he had nowhere to charge his phone so could not call. I gave him the confirmation no for the western union and told him how much the check was and that I deducted the charge from his check. He was not happy about that. A few minutes later he called back and ask if I could call western union and change the state from Oregon to Hawaii. He said he was having trouble getting on internet in Or so found a "cheap" ticket to Hawaii. He said he has been there a week and has not hooked up with any old friends because he is still homeless and no internet. Had it not been for western union I probably would not know he was no longer in Or. I don't understand one minute he is begging for food for me to send, then next thing I know, he has flown somewhere else. Now he is 3900 miles away from me..guess that is a good thing... I just don't get it.

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  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Wow. Well, I guess if I had to be homeless somewhere, it would want to be homeless in Hawaii. I don't mean that to be smart-alec-y, and I'm very glad your son's okay. But ... wow.
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    The good news is he certainly gets money when he needs it. This is proof he is street-smart, which is good if you live on the streets (and I'm serious).

    The bad news is he may not get it legally and it could have to do with selling drugs.

    Still, it is good you know where he is. I lived with a homeless kid, but I always knew where he was at. I feel for every mom with a missing adult child, however...they usually come back, especially when they want something from us. That's when they come back the most.
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  7. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    How telling that he gets mad when you deduct the expenses for Western Union from his check. He sees you as a tool, not a person.
    If he can get to Hawaii he doesn't need much from you.
    When my son was homeless his checks were sent to me for a while. I would parcel them out to him. Eventually he got sick of that and chose to just go without rather than deal with my rules..I accumulated 6 months of checks he wouldn't get cashed!!
    Then he got them direct deposited and I was out of the loop.
    Then he lost services by not responding to SSI and not seeing his caseworker.
    Honestly, he lived on the street when he got the money, and he lives on the street now. I think all he did with the money was buy drugs (and sometimes treat ALL his street person friends to a dinner or a movie).
    Maybe its time for your son, who offers you no consideration or respect and appears to be able to come up with money (what is a cheap ticket to Hawaii, anyway), to manage his own check.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Annie, I'm glad you heard from your son. Hawaii has legal encampments on most of the Islands where folks can live. There are showers and they're right on the ocean. If he is there for any length of time, he'll find out about them and be able to hook up. And, it is always warm and beautiful. If one has to be homeless, Hawaii is a perfect place to be. Sounds as if your son is quite resourceful and resilient.

    Remember to take care of YOU.
  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I'm glad he is alright, Annie.

  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Annie, I think this is divine intervention.

    The fact that you were able to learn that he is somewhere, and that somewhere is a place that he had to make a plan, get some resources, and get himself there should be a good wake-up call for you.

    He is resourceful. He can survive. He is moving forward in his own fashion.

    in my humble opinion, I wish my son would go somewhere else, instead of right here. I think right here is not a good place for him to be, and it's not good for me for him to be here, right in my small town.

    I wish he would get on a plane for Hawaii. It would be a change. It would be something different and it might set a whole chain of different events into action.

    Annie, I hope you can lean into this situation. Lean in, take a deep breath, release your precious son to the Universe and to your Higher Power and say to yourself: Well okay, he is moving forward in his life. Now, it's time for me to move forward in my life.

    And then, assemble your toolbox and make your plan for yourself for today, for this week. Set aside time in your day to work on YOU. Al-Anon meetings, books, meditation, prayer, exercise, calling a friend for dinner, buying some flowers at the grocery store, sitting in silence, taking a nap, writing on this forum...all of these are tools to nurture yourself and to start creating the new ways of thinking and the new neural pathways RE talks about to change yourself.

    To start focusing on your one life---the only life you have any control over---and to let your adult grown son go.

    Warm Hugs. Keep talking to us. We care, and we get it. This is the natural order of things. Our adult children go out into the world, we wish them well, we hope they are enjoying the warm waters, sunshine and beaches of Hawaii, and making their own way in their own lives to a good and happy place. It's entirely up to them.

    And then, after we wave goodbye with a smile, we turn around and walk back into our houses, put some music on, have a glass of wine, take a deep breath and go on. It's our time now.
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am doing something very wrong. I have worked my entire adult life. and I have not been able to afford a trip to Hawaii. I think you can relax knowing that he is more than capable of managing his life.
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  12. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    Well, I actually was a complete wreck when he lived in my city. I never knew when he would show up. The problem with Hawaii is that was where he was after the Army and he really did ALOT of drugs there. I guess he will be sleeping on the beach. I got a text today wanting to know if we would buy him a laptop (another one) for his birthday this month. I have not responded.

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  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Do not buy him a computer. He can go to a library to use a computer. Please stop being his ATM machine. Take the money and go out with your husband. Have a nice dinner with drinks. Look into each others eyes and make a vow to live your best life together with-o difficult child stress.:couple_inlove:
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  14. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hahahahahah...would you buy him a COMPUTER? Is he joking? Wow. Double Wow. Triple Wow.

    Bless you Annie. Hang in there!

    I hope the request strikes you as ludicrous as it does me. I find that when I can be shocked by the absurdity of the request, it helps me separate more.

    Wow again. A computer. And so it goes.

    Warm hugs, Annie. What in the world are our difficult children thinking? I mean, really.
  15. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    He says he has to have a laptop to look for a job. He says library will only let him use theirs for 1 hour and he can't check for jobs that way. Guess like I said before they must have internet under the bridges (and now I guess on beach in Hawaii where I guess he sleeps). So he thinks even though he is so disrespectful to us etc that because it is his birthday we should buy him one. And we would ship it where? No address. I have not responded. Grrh.

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  16. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Annie, reading along and sending you hugs.

    Their sense of entitlement is off the charts. Guess they think they have nothing to lose by asking. Hey, many of us have done insane things for our difficult child's in the past, hoping to get them back into the mainstream. I know husband and i did. :ashamed:
  17. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    LOLOL! There is no end to how entitled our difficult children feel. Do you really think he'd look for a job with it? If my son asked for one under those conditions, I'd think he just wanted to use it for games or porn or to sell so he could buy drugs.

    Ya gotta laff or you'll cry and never stop.