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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 681304" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Yes, not knowing can be torturous for us as our imagination can run wild with all kinds of horrible scenarios.</p><p>I suffered too much from this and the only way I could move beyond it was to accept that the very worst might really happen and for me that was my son could die alone and I would never know it. I had to make peace with that possible reality and once I did I was able to let go of the not knowing.</p><p>I will always love my son but I was allowing his choice of lifestyle to hold my emotions hostage and was keeping me from fully living my own life.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I used to wonder this of myself. How could I let me son be homeless? The simple answer is, I didn't as I do not have that kind of power. My son chose it for himself.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You are so right COM, each one of can only do what we can do. Just as our d_c's have choices so do we.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I remember telling my son so many, many times, "I just want you to be okay, I just want you to be happy". I have come to realize</p><p>that "my" wants were more about me than about my son. I wanted his happiness to mirror what I had envisioned for him not what he has envisioned for himself.</p><p>My son is a very gifted artist and while he is still basically homeless in that he does not have a permanent address, he continues to drift through the southwest but he is being creative with his art and managing to make some kind of living doing it. While he still struggles with the demons of his addictions he is okay. I have made peace with that.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, the not knowing can be better than the knowing. My son has shared things with me that I could have gone the rest of my life not knowing.</p><p>I do not think wanting the "bliss" of not knowing makes you, me or anyone else a bad mother. I think when we get the point of realizing that we don't want to know is a turning point. It's a point where we start to separate ourselves from the chaos that our d_c's can bring into our lives. We never stop loving our children but we stop allowing them to manipulate our emotions.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I do not see how this would say anything ugly about you. The only ugly thing about this is our adult children make choices to do things that we would not want for them. As I said before, my son has shared things with me, some really ugly and dark things. My having this knowledge only produced a dark cloud over me that I had to work really hard at letting go.</p><p>There is nothing wrong with not wanting to know all that our d_c's do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 681304, member: 18516"] Yes, not knowing can be torturous for us as our imagination can run wild with all kinds of horrible scenarios. I suffered too much from this and the only way I could move beyond it was to accept that the very worst might really happen and for me that was my son could die alone and I would never know it. I had to make peace with that possible reality and once I did I was able to let go of the not knowing. I will always love my son but I was allowing his choice of lifestyle to hold my emotions hostage and was keeping me from fully living my own life. I used to wonder this of myself. How could I let me son be homeless? The simple answer is, I didn't as I do not have that kind of power. My son chose it for himself. You are so right COM, each one of can only do what we can do. Just as our d_c's have choices so do we. I remember telling my son so many, many times, "I just want you to be okay, I just want you to be happy". I have come to realize that "my" wants were more about me than about my son. I wanted his happiness to mirror what I had envisioned for him not what he has envisioned for himself. My son is a very gifted artist and while he is still basically homeless in that he does not have a permanent address, he continues to drift through the southwest but he is being creative with his art and managing to make some kind of living doing it. While he still struggles with the demons of his addictions he is okay. I have made peace with that. Yes, the not knowing can be better than the knowing. My son has shared things with me that I could have gone the rest of my life not knowing. I do not think wanting the "bliss" of not knowing makes you, me or anyone else a bad mother. I think when we get the point of realizing that we don't want to know is a turning point. It's a point where we start to separate ourselves from the chaos that our d_c's can bring into our lives. We never stop loving our children but we stop allowing them to manipulate our emotions. I do not see how this would say anything ugly about you. The only ugly thing about this is our adult children make choices to do things that we would not want for them. As I said before, my son has shared things with me, some really ugly and dark things. My having this knowledge only produced a dark cloud over me that I had to work really hard at letting go. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to know all that our d_c's do. [/QUOTE]
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