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Where is my place to stand? What to do now.
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<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 709587" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>Copa, I am reading along and understand your struggle because it sounds like me when the voice in my head is swimming. When I am in that place, I find myself asking, "What do I want?"</p><p></p><p>But the only answers I can give are what *he* wants, or what *I think* he wants, or what I will feel as a consequence of him doing what *I want* him to do. </p><p></p><p>It has become more and more apparent to me over the last few months how much my thoughts, feelings, and identity have become tied up in my son's decisions. His bad choices effectively became what defines me. </p><p></p><p>Over the years I have become less and less available to my spouse, my daughter, my hobbies, my friends, and my very self because of the focus I have put on my son and my perceived failure to "fix" him -- somebody who never wanted "fixing" in the first place.</p><p></p><p>It's unhealthy that I have lost touch with myself so badly. What I want doesn't even register on my radar, unless I make a conscious effort to exclude the things I want *for him* and the things that are out of my control.</p><p></p><p>Here's what I want:</p><p>1. Peace of mind.</p><p>2. Compassion, rather than anger, when he falls.</p><p>3. Knowledge that I did my best to show him love.</p><p>4. Keeping my end of the lines of communication open.</p><p>5. Giving what I am willing to give freely, and no more.</p><p></p><p>I guess that would be my question, Copa. What do YOU want? If you want things you have no control over, trying to force or negotiate them will likely just lead to more disappointment and frustration.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 709587, member: 17720"] Copa, I am reading along and understand your struggle because it sounds like me when the voice in my head is swimming. When I am in that place, I find myself asking, "What do I want?" But the only answers I can give are what *he* wants, or what *I think* he wants, or what I will feel as a consequence of him doing what *I want* him to do. It has become more and more apparent to me over the last few months how much my thoughts, feelings, and identity have become tied up in my son's decisions. His bad choices effectively became what defines me. Over the years I have become less and less available to my spouse, my daughter, my hobbies, my friends, and my very self because of the focus I have put on my son and my perceived failure to "fix" him -- somebody who never wanted "fixing" in the first place. It's unhealthy that I have lost touch with myself so badly. What I want doesn't even register on my radar, unless I make a conscious effort to exclude the things I want *for him* and the things that are out of my control. Here's what I want: 1. Peace of mind. 2. Compassion, rather than anger, when he falls. 3. Knowledge that I did my best to show him love. 4. Keeping my end of the lines of communication open. 5. Giving what I am willing to give freely, and no more. I guess that would be my question, Copa. What do YOU want? If you want things you have no control over, trying to force or negotiate them will likely just lead to more disappointment and frustration. [/QUOTE]
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Where is my place to stand? What to do now.
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