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Where is my place to stand? What to do now.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 709592" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Little by little I have been climbing out of the valley where I found myself after my mother's death.</p><p></p><p>I was walking every day and loving it. I was losing weight, happily. I was planning a trip back east which was symbolic of a new place to stand. For me.</p><p></p><p>And then again I overreached with my son, and found myself fallen down.</p><p></p><p>So that is the truth of it, in a nutshell. When I overreach which means I lose touch with myself as my center, I fall out of the tree. He does not suffer. I do. I lose center, and I abandon myself.</p><p></p><p>I must blame myself for my inability to fix him, or that he stays unfixed. Clearly irrational and useless sentiments, but not consciously known, but felt. This: So what you say here:</p><p> I understand this way: Our well-being is in us. Which consists not only of thinking and doing constructive and beneficial things for us. But as importantly the constant maintenance of a locus of control in us, and the constant vigilance of, rethinking of and remaking of our boundaries with respect to our child.</p><p>Yes. Me too. I lose sight of the incremental losses over the years, because they make a new normal which is always destabilized; living at the knife edge. And there it is, I have lost myself. And not known it.</p><p>This sounds good and clear, Albatross. But difficult to operationalize.</p><p></p><p>What I am saying is that the impulse to say, "no marijuana" and pay xxx dollars of rent, is so seductive. And there I end up: fallen out of my tree, crashed to the ground, looking (again, for a place to stand). Disoriented. Bruised. Hurting and feeling I am the problem. Because I am.</p><p></p><p>*I am seeing, that I am missing the point, here, your point. Which is the results you have defined are in you. They are not in him. This is the distinction that keeps failing me.</p><p>I want to be my own special flower. I became enamored with that phrase from <u>The Little Prince. </u></p><p><u></u></p><p>I keep hearing the siren song that my son represents to me. The sirens, what do they sing to me? It cannot be my love for him. It must be something else. It has to be: doubt, fear, my own history, and my own lure to abandon myself.</p><p></p><p>Every single time I succumb to this siren song. I abandon myself and I really seem to abandon my son. By objectifying him. I keep putting CONDITIONS on my love for him. I demand that he produce. Or else. Pinning my son down, holding him hostage to this demand or another, is to live from a completely different worldview than that which I strive for. Because my love for him is unconditional and forever. As is my caring (which is not any specific thing or action, but a meta thing.) This is how I keep tying myself up in knots. Because I get trapped not only by my own machinations, but my own self-deceptions. I lose touch with myself and who I am.</p><p></p><p>What do I want? To be: Safe. Protected. Centered. Productive. Active. Constructive. Loving. Creative. Moving.</p><p></p><p>Not one of these things has an iota to do with my son. It seems the things I come to demand for my son, are things I want for myself. And when I come to center on my son's need for these, I forfeit, I give up on myself. I lose any sense of my own yearning and deserving. And I despair. In effect, I abandon myself. Not one of these things, when I focus on my son, can I insist he have or be. I can only be them, myself.</p><p></p><p>I want to show my love to my son unconditionally. But at the same time, be my own special flower. Which to me means, opening myself to others, to my own gifts, and being safe.</p><p></p><p>If I take heart from what you want, your five aims: There is no quandary at all. I go to him and we talk openly. I take no responsibility or power position in anything. I am open with my love and I listen to him with an open mind, compassionately. I speak openly too about what I need, can do and cannot. (Thinking clearly first about where I stand.) It is really I think about having an open heart, taking responsibility for my part and for myself. If I look at it that way it is doable.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, Albatross. Very, very much.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 709592, member: 18958"] Little by little I have been climbing out of the valley where I found myself after my mother's death. I was walking every day and loving it. I was losing weight, happily. I was planning a trip back east which was symbolic of a new place to stand. For me. And then again I overreached with my son, and found myself fallen down. So that is the truth of it, in a nutshell. When I overreach which means I lose touch with myself as my center, I fall out of the tree. He does not suffer. I do. I lose center, and I abandon myself. I must blame myself for my inability to fix him, or that he stays unfixed. Clearly irrational and useless sentiments, but not consciously known, but felt. This: So what you say here: I understand this way: Our well-being is in us. Which consists not only of thinking and doing constructive and beneficial things for us. But as importantly the constant maintenance of a locus of control in us, and the constant vigilance of, rethinking of and remaking of our boundaries with respect to our child. Yes. Me too. I lose sight of the incremental losses over the years, because they make a new normal which is always destabilized; living at the knife edge. And there it is, I have lost myself. And not known it. This sounds good and clear, Albatross. But difficult to operationalize. What I am saying is that the impulse to say, "no marijuana" and pay xxx dollars of rent, is so seductive. And there I end up: fallen out of my tree, crashed to the ground, looking (again, for a place to stand). Disoriented. Bruised. Hurting and feeling I am the problem. Because I am. *I am seeing, that I am missing the point, here, your point. Which is the results you have defined are in you. They are not in him. This is the distinction that keeps failing me. I want to be my own special flower. I became enamored with that phrase from [U]The Little Prince. [/U] I keep hearing the siren song that my son represents to me. The sirens, what do they sing to me? It cannot be my love for him. It must be something else. It has to be: doubt, fear, my own history, and my own lure to abandon myself. Every single time I succumb to this siren song. I abandon myself and I really seem to abandon my son. By objectifying him. I keep putting CONDITIONS on my love for him. I demand that he produce. Or else. Pinning my son down, holding him hostage to this demand or another, is to live from a completely different worldview than that which I strive for. Because my love for him is unconditional and forever. As is my caring (which is not any specific thing or action, but a meta thing.) This is how I keep tying myself up in knots. Because I get trapped not only by my own machinations, but my own self-deceptions. I lose touch with myself and who I am. What do I want? To be: Safe. Protected. Centered. Productive. Active. Constructive. Loving. Creative. Moving. Not one of these things has an iota to do with my son. It seems the things I come to demand for my son, are things I want for myself. And when I come to center on my son's need for these, I forfeit, I give up on myself. I lose any sense of my own yearning and deserving. And I despair. In effect, I abandon myself. Not one of these things, when I focus on my son, can I insist he have or be. I can only be them, myself. I want to show my love to my son unconditionally. But at the same time, be my own special flower. Which to me means, opening myself to others, to my own gifts, and being safe. If I take heart from what you want, your five aims: There is no quandary at all. I go to him and we talk openly. I take no responsibility or power position in anything. I am open with my love and I listen to him with an open mind, compassionately. I speak openly too about what I need, can do and cannot. (Thinking clearly first about where I stand.) It is really I think about having an open heart, taking responsibility for my part and for myself. If I look at it that way it is doable. Thank you, Albatross. Very, very much. [/QUOTE]
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