Where will it end?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by realangel, Dec 17, 2007.

  1. realangel

    realangel New Member

    It never rains but it pours huh? :9-07tears:

    This evening as i was really getting in the Christmas mood, wrapping gifts and listening to carols (and wailing along) the phone rang. The conversation went something like this...

    caller ... Hello may i speak to Lisa please?

    me ... speaking

    caller ... this is easy child Smith from (city) Holding cells. We have Anthony here (difficult child) and while we are aware that your address isn't a suitable bailing address we do have his fathers, could you please give us his phone number?

    me ... yes its ....... but i can tell you he wont allow Anthony to stay there.

    Caller ... nevertheless we will need to try, Anthony needs an address to be bailed to.

    me .. can he not return to the hostel?

    Caller ... no, they have evicted him due to tonights incident

    me ... may i ask what he has done this time

    caller... certainly, he was arrested for assault

    this is the second time in a week he has been arrested, last week it was for theft from an offlicence!! :smile:

    He now has had 2 cautions and a referral order for assault, so i have a feeling they will throw the book at him this time (which i know he deserves). I don't know whether his father has agreed for him to go there but judging by the fact that my phone hasn't rung my guessing is no... which means he is homeless again so will be held in the cells tonight to appear in court tomorrow.

    Society has a tendency to blame the parents for the children's behavior, but he was brought up in a non-violent, loving, calm home so why????????????

    merry christmas??? I doubt it :bah-humbug:
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I hope this doesn't sound too heartless, but try to have a good Christmas regardless of Anthony. He put himself where he is. He has to live with it. You have three other children who deserve to have good memories. So, change any traditions that would have included Anthony, make some special, new ones for your three at home.

    As to the why, who knows. He has something in his wiring that isn't working. This is not your fault. They are his choices and decisions. You can love him, try to do the best for him but it doesn't always work out the way we want. If someone does blame you, you might remind them that you have 3 other kids at home who are as different from Anthony as is humanly possible yet all were raised the same.

    I'm so sorry.
  3. realangel

    realangel New Member

    just had CID on the phone updating me,

    Anthony stabbed the lad he assaulted with a kitchen knife... as the assault happened outside he obviously took it out with intent to use it... and he has told the police he is using cocaine!!! I have always taught my kids the dangers of drugs
    The officer is going to ring me tomorrow to let me know how it goes in court, social services are involved again now as they are concerned about Anthony.. which means they will start going on at me to have him here even thought he obviously a bigger threat than before

    Please pray for me, i dont know how much more i can take :crying:
  4. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    I agree whole heartedly with meowbunny. You obviously are doing something right because your other children are wonderful! For whatever reason, Anthony has chosen the wrong path. at this point it will take him hitting rock bottom, and realizing (for himself and no one else) he needs to change his life and then actually doing something about it. Until these three things happen, there is nothing you can do but let him know that you still love him, and go one living your life for the children that still need you.

    Does this mean forgetting that he exists? Or not being there as a a sounding board? No, it just means that you will still love him and that you will protect yourself and your family (emotionally) until he actually shows that he wants to change and is taking steps to change.

    Go have a wonderful, memorable Christmas with your children and say a special prayers for Anthony at dinner and maybe even thank God for him because with out his presence in your life you would never truly realize how lucky you are with the easy child children in your home. Hang in there! Stay strong! EVERYTHING does happen fro a reason.
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Lisa, when the stress is this huge it's even more important that you take care of yourself. I know it sounds simplistic but it's true. The last thing you need is to crash emotionally or physically. Are you doing anything for YOU?

    I'm so sorry. I remember when it felt like my world was being demolished right before my eyes.

  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Let Anthony take responsibility for his own actions. It's the only hope he has of turning around anyway.

    You instead try to put your main focus on the rest of the family and yourself. I know it's terribly hard, but they need you too. Like Suz said, do your best to take care of YOU during all this.

  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I'm sorry for your sadness this time of year. difficult child has been taught better but he didn't learn or it hasn't processed yet. I keep thinking of it as seeds planted. They sprout at normal ages for most kids. Ours seem to be delayed in getting it.
    I hope he is safe and has a realization that he has a choice to live a decent life or to live a marginal life.
    In the meantime try to remember that hope is all most of us have. Have hope and spread it during such a tough time.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hey Angel,

    You know - I have no answer for you as to WHY. If I had that answer I would either be very rich or largely popular (maybe both) lol

    Our kids have free will. They have to make their own choices. I think what makes it hard for us is that we feel that they aren't quite the same as other kids or don't "get it" as well maybe it takes a normal kid 1 time and ours - sadly -100. But they have to get it on their own terms.

    DO NOT LET ANYONE BULLY YOU INTO HAVING HIM BACK INTO YOUR HOME. He is violent and now on drugs - not something you want to expose your other children or self to. KEEP STANDING UP TO THEM AND SAY NO. You're a great Mother - telling someone that you are trying to protect your children from a person that isn't even welcome in a Hostel with other kids his own age - doesn't mean you don't love your son. It only means you are looking out for the welfare of the other 3. You'll have to find a way to deal with the eldest on your own terms.

    Please don't let this ruin Christmas for you - It will be what it will be regardless of HOW badly you hurt, cry or get depressed.

    Post here often if you need to just get it out of your system. YOU ARE A GOOD MUM - and like Fran said - seeds are planted, he's just not a mature kid yet. Maybe a stint in prison would jerk a big enough knot in his behind to do that?

    It has helped my son in the fact that he doesn't want to go back and now knows what he can or can't do to be put back in jail.

    Many hugs - I know you're hurting
  9. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Big hugs for your mommy heart, Lisa.

    I was your son once upon a time. Even now I don't know why. I wish I had an answer for you.

    Your son will be in my prayers, as I have a soft spot for the difficult children on this board who use.
  10. realangel

    realangel New Member

    He has been bailed to his fathers (which is 240 miles from me) and has to return back this end on the 2nd of January. Social services will be finding accommodation for him for that date. He appears in court on the 3rd of jan for theft (he tried to steal a case of wine from an off license last week) and then appears in court again on the 14th jan for the assault. The youth offending officer says they want to keep him out of a young offenders institute but its really up to the judge. it could go a number of ways as it stands. They keep telling me he's a good kid who just got in with the wrong crowd, i keep telling them NO he needs psychiatric help. Good kids dont stab people. Good kids dont try and stab their step fathers. Good kids dont assault their own mothers. Good kids dont ........... the list goes on and on.

    I found an interesting article outlining antisocial personality disorder. They cant be diagnosed till they are 18 but everything on there is Anthony. Is this worth mentioning IF and when they ring me?

    Thanks to you all for your kind words and support. Its reassuring just to know i can come here and sound off.
  11. jgreen03

    jgreen03 New Member

    I read all these comments and its as if I am reading about my difficult child. He is 17 years old and last night he was arrested and spent his first night in jail. He has been stealing and lying to me and my husband. Who happens to be his step father. We caught him in our room crawling out of the closet which is where our safe is. My husband went after him and was yelling at him what are you doing. As husband turned away difficult child punched him in the face. Naturally husband called police and difficult child was arrested. This is not the first incident there has been many years of problems. I have tried numerous doctors and no one can give me an answer. You can talk to him one minute and he is fine and the next he is ready to jump out of his skin. His father bailed him out of jail. I could not bring him home. and he can not be around husband. It is so hard I do think he has pschological problems, however professionals think otherwise.
    I could go on and on. I am sure eventually I will get the whole story out. It is just nice to know I am not alone.
  12. realangel

    realangel New Member

    I saw difficult child yesterday at his dads for about 10 minutes and gave him a couple of small christmas presents. Did i get a thank you? no :rolleyes: did he talk to me? no :rolleyes: i gave him a kiss on the cheek, wished him a merry christmas and left. I give up now, i cant be bothered with the anxiety and upset he causes me. He has chosen his path and he can deal with it.

    I have SO and the other children to care for and they care for me. And one day, when he decides to understand what he has done and is ready to be fixed then MAYBE just maybe we can be mother and son again. I am done with it .. its not fair on everyone else in the family.