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Where Will It End?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 762029" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hello Mirabelle. I am sorry after trying so hard to help your stepson, it's come to this. I have found by my own experience that my son (and many like him) may be motivated by secondary gain on a short term basis to pay lip service to our conditions, which they have no desire to honor. What emerges is their true attitudes: They feel they are free "adults," able to do and live as they choose, resisting any curtailment of their autonomy.</p><p></p><p>The problem and contradiction as we know is that while they may have the legal rights of adults, their judgement and functioning are greatly impaired they seek dependency upon us...at the same time they impose <em>their dominance over </em>our homes and lives as well as their own. It is pure craziness. There is actually a psychological category for these people who for whatever reason do not follow the normal sequence and imperatives of maturation. </p><p></p><p>My son is mentally ill, too, and he uses drugs to self-medicate. Nothing and no one(least of all me) has yet persuaded him of the inadvisability of his path. There has not been one consequence too dire including cyclical homelessness.</p><p></p><p>We have called the police many times, too. At this point, my son is not allowed into my home, or to even knock on the door, unless he is invited by me <strong>and</strong> accompanied my ex.</p><p></p><p>While this may not be in the criminal statues, this seems criminal to me. In one fell swoop she's undermining her son and you and your husband.</p><p></p><p>What I am trying to say here is that you are finding yourself in territory that has been well-traveled here on this forum. While we try and try and try to help, if there is no buy-in from the adult child, and almost always there is not--we are just on a merry go round, that depletes and depresses us. There are problems and resources for people like our sons, but until they've run themselves into the ground, so that they are ready to change--like my son, they're uninterested. </p><p></p><p>How parents deal with this, depends on their makeup and the adult child's. My son is less overtly aggressive now, but he can be verbally aggressive and domineering, and he does not participate or take responsibility at all, for what he does. But I am one of those parents who has a very difficult time closing the door. At this point I don't think I will ever change. What I mean by this is that we each have to take a hard look at ourselves and circumstances and face who we are. There is no one size fits all. </p><p></p><p>As I read your post I think you've done everything that any responsible parent could and should do, and that your limits, are understandable and warranted. To keep doing the same thing over and over, while your stepson becomes more and more aggressive, dangerous, defiant and non-compliant would NOT help him, and it could destroy your lives. I am so sorry.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 762029, member: 18958"] Hello Mirabelle. I am sorry after trying so hard to help your stepson, it's come to this. I have found by my own experience that my son (and many like him) may be motivated by secondary gain on a short term basis to pay lip service to our conditions, which they have no desire to honor. What emerges is their true attitudes: They feel they are free "adults," able to do and live as they choose, resisting any curtailment of their autonomy. The problem and contradiction as we know is that while they may have the legal rights of adults, their judgement and functioning are greatly impaired they seek dependency upon us...at the same time they impose [I]their dominance over [/I]our homes and lives as well as their own. It is pure craziness. There is actually a psychological category for these people who for whatever reason do not follow the normal sequence and imperatives of maturation. My son is mentally ill, too, and he uses drugs to self-medicate. Nothing and no one(least of all me) has yet persuaded him of the inadvisability of his path. There has not been one consequence too dire including cyclical homelessness. We have called the police many times, too. At this point, my son is not allowed into my home, or to even knock on the door, unless he is invited by me [B]and[/B] accompanied my ex. While this may not be in the criminal statues, this seems criminal to me. In one fell swoop she's undermining her son and you and your husband. What I am trying to say here is that you are finding yourself in territory that has been well-traveled here on this forum. While we try and try and try to help, if there is no buy-in from the adult child, and almost always there is not--we are just on a merry go round, that depletes and depresses us. There are problems and resources for people like our sons, but until they've run themselves into the ground, so that they are ready to change--like my son, they're uninterested. How parents deal with this, depends on their makeup and the adult child's. My son is less overtly aggressive now, but he can be verbally aggressive and domineering, and he does not participate or take responsibility at all, for what he does. But I am one of those parents who has a very difficult time closing the door. At this point I don't think I will ever change. What I mean by this is that we each have to take a hard look at ourselves and circumstances and face who we are. There is no one size fits all. As I read your post I think you've done everything that any responsible parent could and should do, and that your limits, are understandable and warranted. To keep doing the same thing over and over, while your stepson becomes more and more aggressive, dangerous, defiant and non-compliant would NOT help him, and it could destroy your lives. I am so sorry. [/QUOTE]
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