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Family of Origin
Who do you consider your real family?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 664617" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I'm sorry for Sister, but it needed to happen. </p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Grands and animals and neighbors too, can be family. Almost anyone we've known over a period of years, and who has known us. </p><p></p><p>I feel so differently about family than I did before we began the FOO Chronicles. It isn't that I would not like to see them. I suppose I would. It is that I think of them differently, now. I see now why the FOO never worked. It is by intention that it does not work. Intention to foment dissent, to form factions, to splinter and dirty the very things that make having family a precious thing. As we have worked here to uncover the why behind it, I have not developed so much a compassion for all of us (which is what I thought would happen) as I have an acceptance. </p><p></p><p>It isn't that FOO does not know what they are doing. They do. They choose it. It isn't that they don't know. If we are going to interact with them, we cannot interact in any of the ways we see family interacting in our fantasies of family. Our FOO are dysfunctional things.</p><p></p><p>It isn't going to change.</p><p></p><p>Leaving them is like leaving a circling vortex. The suction is incredible, the draw to go back unremitting. And then, it isn't. You are out of their range of influence. </p><p></p><p>It isn't that I don't wish I had them in my life. It is that I never did, not in the sense I believed I did. I have what I have, instead. I don't feel badly anymore that I have what I have. There is no positive thing I can do to bring FOO into balance; there are only negative things. An emptiness created because one member is hurt and leaves. Or is targeted and leaves. Or every member participating in an unspoken conspiracy of silence regarding the steadily more hurtful and exclusionary practices encouraged at the heart of the FOO where trust and welcome should be.</p><p></p><p>Denial is a strong thing; it is hard to break through, but it is not impossible.</p><p></p><p>It is good to have seen the workings of FOO. It hurt very much at first, to realize how different we (FOO, me included) are. But each time I would post about a hurt or betrayal, I would know the truth of it in a way impossible for me before I saw it in print. </p><p></p><p>I am not sure why I was so deeply afraid of confronting the wrongnesses. It is hard to say, to people who are taking intense satisfaction from what they are doing, "This is wrong." </p><p></p><p>I don't know why the rejection of FOO could shame me so, could leave me feeling utterly without faith or hope or worth.</p><p></p><p>Isn't that something.</p><p></p><p>I've learned that breaking through the denial cushioning and discoloring everything to do with dysfunctional family systems is crucial to our determination to heal. It's like breaking through the crust of a thing. You flounder around in something that really feels terrible. And then, it's like you get a little toehold.</p><p></p><p>Those are your witnesses; the people (and for me, it's been SWOT and Copa), who hold steady for us when we cannot. They are there when the feelings are overwhelmingly toxic and the center doesn't hold. </p><p></p><p>And you realize that hurting, shame-filled place that feels like drowning in acid or like, boiling cornstarch pudding has borders. That it is not limitless. It is not bottomless. There is a way. If you are determined, if you keep going, if you acknowledge and sit with the feelings, if you understand that as bad as it is, you felt them first as a defenseless child...you will come through it, for that Child's sake. You will have ingested and become immune to, the poison fueling the dysfunction in your FOO. </p><p></p><p>I know what happened. I always knew what happened. The difference is that I see the choice my people make. I see what they are doing. I will not unsee it.</p><p></p><p>It just is what it is.</p><p></p><p>Nothing more, and nothing less. Just a set of factual things instead of a kind of nameless longing and willingness to disbelieve what we see in hope of the fantasy.</p><p></p><p>We try to believe that fantasy so hard!</p><p></p><p>It's disorienting, for a time.</p><p></p><p>Then, once you revisit the traumatic event often enough, finding the same answers each time, there comes to be a sense of increasing quiet, where before there was shock and deep shame. </p><p></p><p>If I were to interact with my FOO now, it wouldn't work. It would be a discordant thing from start to finish. I am not even afraid of them, anymore. I am still working. There are areas of shame or jealousy or rage or anger.</p><p></p><p>Right witness is crucial to this process; without it, we will be retraumatized. If you elect to do something like this, be warned that there are predatory types who will find the vulnerability required to heal irresistible. That is why it is best to conduct your exploration, if you should choose to do so, in the public, and not the private, portions of the forum.</p><p></p><p>You must be willing to have nothing to hide; nothing, as they say, to protect.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 664617, member: 17461"] I'm sorry for Sister, but it needed to happen. *** Grands and animals and neighbors too, can be family. Almost anyone we've known over a period of years, and who has known us. I feel so differently about family than I did before we began the FOO Chronicles. It isn't that I would not like to see them. I suppose I would. It is that I think of them differently, now. I see now why the FOO never worked. It is by intention that it does not work. Intention to foment dissent, to form factions, to splinter and dirty the very things that make having family a precious thing. As we have worked here to uncover the why behind it, I have not developed so much a compassion for all of us (which is what I thought would happen) as I have an acceptance. It isn't that FOO does not know what they are doing. They do. They choose it. It isn't that they don't know. If we are going to interact with them, we cannot interact in any of the ways we see family interacting in our fantasies of family. Our FOO are dysfunctional things. It isn't going to change. Leaving them is like leaving a circling vortex. The suction is incredible, the draw to go back unremitting. And then, it isn't. You are out of their range of influence. It isn't that I don't wish I had them in my life. It is that I never did, not in the sense I believed I did. I have what I have, instead. I don't feel badly anymore that I have what I have. There is no positive thing I can do to bring FOO into balance; there are only negative things. An emptiness created because one member is hurt and leaves. Or is targeted and leaves. Or every member participating in an unspoken conspiracy of silence regarding the steadily more hurtful and exclusionary practices encouraged at the heart of the FOO where trust and welcome should be. Denial is a strong thing; it is hard to break through, but it is not impossible. It is good to have seen the workings of FOO. It hurt very much at first, to realize how different we (FOO, me included) are. But each time I would post about a hurt or betrayal, I would know the truth of it in a way impossible for me before I saw it in print. I am not sure why I was so deeply afraid of confronting the wrongnesses. It is hard to say, to people who are taking intense satisfaction from what they are doing, "This is wrong." I don't know why the rejection of FOO could shame me so, could leave me feeling utterly without faith or hope or worth. Isn't that something. I've learned that breaking through the denial cushioning and discoloring everything to do with dysfunctional family systems is crucial to our determination to heal. It's like breaking through the crust of a thing. You flounder around in something that really feels terrible. And then, it's like you get a little toehold. Those are your witnesses; the people (and for me, it's been SWOT and Copa), who hold steady for us when we cannot. They are there when the feelings are overwhelmingly toxic and the center doesn't hold. And you realize that hurting, shame-filled place that feels like drowning in acid or like, boiling cornstarch pudding has borders. That it is not limitless. It is not bottomless. There is a way. If you are determined, if you keep going, if you acknowledge and sit with the feelings, if you understand that as bad as it is, you felt them first as a defenseless child...you will come through it, for that Child's sake. You will have ingested and become immune to, the poison fueling the dysfunction in your FOO. I know what happened. I always knew what happened. The difference is that I see the choice my people make. I see what they are doing. I will not unsee it. It just is what it is. Nothing more, and nothing less. Just a set of factual things instead of a kind of nameless longing and willingness to disbelieve what we see in hope of the fantasy. We try to believe that fantasy so hard! It's disorienting, for a time. Then, once you revisit the traumatic event often enough, finding the same answers each time, there comes to be a sense of increasing quiet, where before there was shock and deep shame. If I were to interact with my FOO now, it wouldn't work. It would be a discordant thing from start to finish. I am not even afraid of them, anymore. I am still working. There are areas of shame or jealousy or rage or anger. Right witness is crucial to this process; without it, we will be retraumatized. If you elect to do something like this, be warned that there are predatory types who will find the vulnerability required to heal irresistible. That is why it is best to conduct your exploration, if you should choose to do so, in the public, and not the private, portions of the forum. You must be willing to have nothing to hide; nothing, as they say, to protect. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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