R
Re1096
Guest
Hi.. I am way new here.. found your site through my sister who was searching desperately for answers for me in dealing with my 16 yo difficult child. Back story..
She lived with my mother until 3 years ago when she cried begged screamed and pleaded that we remove her from that awful house because they were forcing her to do nothing but work work work and were constantly punishing her even when she didn't do anything. easy child 1 lived with them and according to her HE was the prince and was never in trouble and never was required to work. Well the guilt of "leaving" her there caught up with me and I allowed her to move in with me, my then husband, and easy child 3, all was well for 6 months or so. then KABOOM! She refused to do anything anyone told her, she was punished and have her laptop or phone or privileges removed only to steal her baby brothers phone or laptop or sneak in my room and take hers back. All punishments were made to be broken not followed. It got to the point where I removed everything from her room other than her bed and 5 outfits that I picked out for her. EVEN THAT didn't work. She would come home in clothes her friend borrowed her or she would have their phones or iPods.. it was insane. She was getting so many 0's in school she was at the brink of failing and then would do enough to scrape by. I would hold her hand through an assignment pack it in her bookbag in her notebook and she would "forget" to turn it in.. how infuriating.
When I would go through her things, book bag, room, computer, (because she was constantly taking things from her brother or me) I would find all these "made up" stories about the massive amounts of sex she had over the weekend and how drunk or high she had been or who she had beat up. I know they were MADE UP because she was never allowed out of my sight so unless I am blind and can't see her having sex in my living room it did not happen. Then I started finding out that she was sexting constantly whenever she could get her hands on a phone. i told her she needed to write raunchy romance novels because they were THAT NASTY.
I finally gave up and did not ask her to do anything.. sit in your room and live in filth if you want you are the one that smells badly not me. Even then it was a constant battle.. get up, eat your dinner, go to school, homework? on and on and on. Nothing worked..
When I would take her computer away from her or her phone she would scream and cry because I was taking her only friend away from her and she LOVED him and I was ruining her life. This would be the same boy who she met on MySpace who lives lord knows where that said he would come slit my throat if I tried to take her computer again. (her response was .. that works) *shudder*
Oh my I am rambling.
Ok so easy child 3 is an Aspie i know you are thinking how can she have a easy child Aspie, I didn't until a few months ago. easy child 3 was misdiagnosed as ADHD for 6 years when his behavior became so bad that the pediatrician and I were thinking of having to commit him, he was very physically violent with me and to restrain him was not only hard on me to do it was physically impossible at times. Long story short the pediatrician goes to a siminar on Aspergers and calls me immediately and gets easy child 3 tested.. sure enough Aspie. I was quite honestly relieved! We had a name we could get help and it explained sooooo many things. Anyhoo through trail and error we made it through another year he still had major melt downs and things were by far from perfect and I was stressed to the breaking point between trying to figure him out and dealing with difficult child.
Towards the end of the summer difficult child decides she wants to move in with her BFFs family I said NO WAY.. i am not rewarding you for your behavior.. there were a million promises made and I finally after a week and a half of school and pure torture trying to hold it all together agreed in a last ditch effort to keep her out of a camp or home. She knew that was the last chance. I have told her still she is allowed home only if she will follow the rules to the letter. Every time I have asked when she plans on coming back she replies literally with I don't know.
Since she has been gone, her grades have gone up she has no 0's, she has a job, and is acting more mature. easy child 3 has THRIVED.. not ONE meltdown, no back talk, does all of his work, grades have gone from struggling to honor role, complete different child, went from difficult child 2 to easy child 3. I could not ask for a more delightful child to be around, even went through a break up with his girlfriend very logically even though emotional.
NOW for the problem I need advice with.
In the last week there has been "drama" with difficult child and every other day it is they are making her come home or she is staying. To the point I put my foot down and said she had to come back, only to have the other mother talk me out of it saying she is doing so well there that why would I make her come back, so I left her. When I talked to easy child 3 about her coming back he was in tears and begging no mom please I can't do this. Please don't let her come back here.
Yesterday while talking to the other mom she stated they were picking a day for difficult child to come back here and I asked what happens if she does not want to, she replied with she will and we have to give her a chance. I can't mention easy child 3 during any conversations to her because it is thrown in my face that "i love him more" I don't I love them both just differently as they are different people. I am in a panic.. the mom in me wants her here and to be a productive part of the family but the protector in me wants her to stay there as she is doing well and so is easy child 3.
I am scared out of my mind that if she comes back it is going to be more drama and turmoil and a fight to the end. She has threatened to run away if we make her come back here.
And now I am just rambling because I am at a loss.
Any help or advice would be sooooo appreciated because I feel like to save one I have to disregard the other.
Signed
Re the Lost.
She lived with my mother until 3 years ago when she cried begged screamed and pleaded that we remove her from that awful house because they were forcing her to do nothing but work work work and were constantly punishing her even when she didn't do anything. easy child 1 lived with them and according to her HE was the prince and was never in trouble and never was required to work. Well the guilt of "leaving" her there caught up with me and I allowed her to move in with me, my then husband, and easy child 3, all was well for 6 months or so. then KABOOM! She refused to do anything anyone told her, she was punished and have her laptop or phone or privileges removed only to steal her baby brothers phone or laptop or sneak in my room and take hers back. All punishments were made to be broken not followed. It got to the point where I removed everything from her room other than her bed and 5 outfits that I picked out for her. EVEN THAT didn't work. She would come home in clothes her friend borrowed her or she would have their phones or iPods.. it was insane. She was getting so many 0's in school she was at the brink of failing and then would do enough to scrape by. I would hold her hand through an assignment pack it in her bookbag in her notebook and she would "forget" to turn it in.. how infuriating.
When I would go through her things, book bag, room, computer, (because she was constantly taking things from her brother or me) I would find all these "made up" stories about the massive amounts of sex she had over the weekend and how drunk or high she had been or who she had beat up. I know they were MADE UP because she was never allowed out of my sight so unless I am blind and can't see her having sex in my living room it did not happen. Then I started finding out that she was sexting constantly whenever she could get her hands on a phone. i told her she needed to write raunchy romance novels because they were THAT NASTY.
I finally gave up and did not ask her to do anything.. sit in your room and live in filth if you want you are the one that smells badly not me. Even then it was a constant battle.. get up, eat your dinner, go to school, homework? on and on and on. Nothing worked..
When I would take her computer away from her or her phone she would scream and cry because I was taking her only friend away from her and she LOVED him and I was ruining her life. This would be the same boy who she met on MySpace who lives lord knows where that said he would come slit my throat if I tried to take her computer again. (her response was .. that works) *shudder*
Oh my I am rambling.
Ok so easy child 3 is an Aspie i know you are thinking how can she have a easy child Aspie, I didn't until a few months ago. easy child 3 was misdiagnosed as ADHD for 6 years when his behavior became so bad that the pediatrician and I were thinking of having to commit him, he was very physically violent with me and to restrain him was not only hard on me to do it was physically impossible at times. Long story short the pediatrician goes to a siminar on Aspergers and calls me immediately and gets easy child 3 tested.. sure enough Aspie. I was quite honestly relieved! We had a name we could get help and it explained sooooo many things. Anyhoo through trail and error we made it through another year he still had major melt downs and things were by far from perfect and I was stressed to the breaking point between trying to figure him out and dealing with difficult child.
Towards the end of the summer difficult child decides she wants to move in with her BFFs family I said NO WAY.. i am not rewarding you for your behavior.. there were a million promises made and I finally after a week and a half of school and pure torture trying to hold it all together agreed in a last ditch effort to keep her out of a camp or home. She knew that was the last chance. I have told her still she is allowed home only if she will follow the rules to the letter. Every time I have asked when she plans on coming back she replies literally with I don't know.
Since she has been gone, her grades have gone up she has no 0's, she has a job, and is acting more mature. easy child 3 has THRIVED.. not ONE meltdown, no back talk, does all of his work, grades have gone from struggling to honor role, complete different child, went from difficult child 2 to easy child 3. I could not ask for a more delightful child to be around, even went through a break up with his girlfriend very logically even though emotional.
NOW for the problem I need advice with.
In the last week there has been "drama" with difficult child and every other day it is they are making her come home or she is staying. To the point I put my foot down and said she had to come back, only to have the other mother talk me out of it saying she is doing so well there that why would I make her come back, so I left her. When I talked to easy child 3 about her coming back he was in tears and begging no mom please I can't do this. Please don't let her come back here.
Yesterday while talking to the other mom she stated they were picking a day for difficult child to come back here and I asked what happens if she does not want to, she replied with she will and we have to give her a chance. I can't mention easy child 3 during any conversations to her because it is thrown in my face that "i love him more" I don't I love them both just differently as they are different people. I am in a panic.. the mom in me wants her here and to be a productive part of the family but the protector in me wants her to stay there as she is doing well and so is easy child 3.
I am scared out of my mind that if she comes back it is going to be more drama and turmoil and a fight to the end. She has threatened to run away if we make her come back here.
And now I am just rambling because I am at a loss.
Any help or advice would be sooooo appreciated because I feel like to save one I have to disregard the other.
Signed
Re the Lost.
