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Why am I suffering
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 688507" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Love and welcoe to the forum...</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Of course you're not a bad mother. Just like all of us here, you are a mother who thought just giving a little bit more...and then more...and more....just a little more should be enough to help her get over the hump....just a little more and she will get it....just a little more and things will surely change. More and more and more until we have nothing left to give and we are running on empty.</p><p></p><p>This is not about us. This is about an adult/child who has serious problems and doesn't/can't/won't stand on her own. </p><p></p><p>The more we do for them, the more they want. </p><p>The more we do for them, the more they don't have to do anything for themselves. </p><p>The more we do for them, the less we are for anybody, even ourselves. Especially ourselves. </p><p>The more we do for them, the more we are literally killing them. We are not giving them a chance to learn about life on life's terms. To grow up. To be an adult. To stand on their own.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh. yes. When you start setting boundaries with anyone, they do not like it at all and there will be tremendous pushback, anger, rage, hurt, emotions. So go ahead and expect it. </p><p></p><p>Start very slowly setting new boundaries. Start with the phone---let the calls go to voice mail. </p><p></p><p>Take the house phone off the hook. Don't worry about her calling other people---you can't control that. </p><p></p><p>Start thinking about what you truly can control, and start working to let go of the rest that you can't. </p><p></p><p>Then your response time to her---let a few hours go by before you call, text, answer. </p><p></p><p>Then, when you do call or answer, start saying new things like: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That sounds ____ (hard, sad, interesting, etc.). I'm sure you'll figure it out. Stop jumping in to solve her problems.</p><p></p><p>Then, stop the flow of money. You can do it slowly. You can say things like: I'm not going to buy any cigarettes for you any more. This is the last week I'm giving you money for _________. Put her on notice that all of the money will stop within a certain time.</p><p></p><p>As you work to make decisions, ask yourself this: What is reasonable? If you can go slowly, without anger or frustration or impatience, you can be very proud of how you handle it. You can speak slowly and calmly (I find that what helps me speak slowly and calmly is to write everything down that I have decided to say before hand and stick to my script as much as humanly possible). You can look in the mirror every day at the end of the day, and say this: I handled that pretty darn well...not perfectly...but well. I can be proud of what I said and did. </p><p></p><p>Making a plan, and being flexible with yourself about your plan will help you as you go forward with her. You didn't get into this situation with her overnight and you won't back out of it overnight. </p><p></p><p>But the goal is this: For her to learn how to stand on her own, as messy as that might look and be. And the way to do that is to get out of the way. Not overnight. You are her safety net. Pull the net away slowly.</p><p></p><p>This is more about you than about her at this point. She is going to do what she is going to do. The question is this: What are you going to do? You need to reclaim your own life. You deserve a life, a happy life. It's time. </p><p></p><p>No more nights driving her around until midnight when you don't want to do that. I call this the 51%/49% rule. I am 51% and she/he is 49%. I love him and he is very important to me, but I am just a little bit more important to myself. </p><p></p><p>I know this is counter-cultural but especially with DCs, this is where we need to get to. That way, we have a chance to live, and they have a chance to live. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 688507, member: 17542"] Hi Love and welcoe to the forum... Of course you're not a bad mother. Just like all of us here, you are a mother who thought just giving a little bit more...and then more...and more....just a little more should be enough to help her get over the hump....just a little more and she will get it....just a little more and things will surely change. More and more and more until we have nothing left to give and we are running on empty. This is not about us. This is about an adult/child who has serious problems and doesn't/can't/won't stand on her own. The more we do for them, the more they want. The more we do for them, the more they don't have to do anything for themselves. The more we do for them, the less we are for anybody, even ourselves. Especially ourselves. The more we do for them, the more we are literally killing them. We are not giving them a chance to learn about life on life's terms. To grow up. To be an adult. To stand on their own. Oh. yes. When you start setting boundaries with anyone, they do not like it at all and there will be tremendous pushback, anger, rage, hurt, emotions. So go ahead and expect it. Start very slowly setting new boundaries. Start with the phone---let the calls go to voice mail. Take the house phone off the hook. Don't worry about her calling other people---you can't control that. Start thinking about what you truly can control, and start working to let go of the rest that you can't. Then your response time to her---let a few hours go by before you call, text, answer. Then, when you do call or answer, start saying new things like: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That sounds ____ (hard, sad, interesting, etc.). I'm sure you'll figure it out. Stop jumping in to solve her problems. Then, stop the flow of money. You can do it slowly. You can say things like: I'm not going to buy any cigarettes for you any more. This is the last week I'm giving you money for _________. Put her on notice that all of the money will stop within a certain time. As you work to make decisions, ask yourself this: What is reasonable? If you can go slowly, without anger or frustration or impatience, you can be very proud of how you handle it. You can speak slowly and calmly (I find that what helps me speak slowly and calmly is to write everything down that I have decided to say before hand and stick to my script as much as humanly possible). You can look in the mirror every day at the end of the day, and say this: I handled that pretty darn well...not perfectly...but well. I can be proud of what I said and did. Making a plan, and being flexible with yourself about your plan will help you as you go forward with her. You didn't get into this situation with her overnight and you won't back out of it overnight. But the goal is this: For her to learn how to stand on her own, as messy as that might look and be. And the way to do that is to get out of the way. Not overnight. You are her safety net. Pull the net away slowly. This is more about you than about her at this point. She is going to do what she is going to do. The question is this: What are you going to do? You need to reclaim your own life. You deserve a life, a happy life. It's time. No more nights driving her around until midnight when you don't want to do that. I call this the 51%/49% rule. I am 51% and she/he is 49%. I love him and he is very important to me, but I am just a little bit more important to myself. I know this is counter-cultural but especially with DCs, this is where we need to get to. That way, we have a chance to live, and they have a chance to live. Warm hugs today. [/QUOTE]
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