Why am I the one who sees the mess? Vent.

[susiestar]

husband has been whining all day about how his feet hurt and how tired he is. He put in a 15 hour day at the football game yesterday. It IS hard work.

When he worked it was not a big deal. He was tired but not extremely so.

When he got laid off he planned to walk or run every day - walking until he got in shape enough to run.

What is he doing NOW?

Job hunt - 1-3 hours a day on the computer. I am being VERY generous.

Play on the computer - 4-6 hours a day.

Nap - 2-4 hours a day.

Sleep - 11 to 7:30 and then 8:15 to 10.

He also loads the dishwasher and MAYBE puts one load of HIS laundry into the washer and then the dryer.

I am not able to sit or stand for long. I am working and increasing the amount of time as quick as I can. My doctor thinks I am pushing too hard. I want the house to be at least as tidy as it was a few days after the cleaner was here.

If he has to load the dishwasher a second time he whines and moans and complains loudly. As he puts NO dishes in that are soaking or have gunk that needs to be wiped off into the dishwasher, the kitchen is a disaster.

Jessica and I do dinner most nights. Not much because we are both in bad shape. IF husband does dinner he makes 5 baked potatoes for HIM, will heat up a burrito (frozen) for thank you and refuses to do anything for Jessica. Cause she can do it herself.

Am I the ONLY one who sees a problem here?

Every time I am vertical I pick junk up off the floor, put dirty dishes (not mine for the most part, but all of mine) into the dishwasher (after I unload it), and try to push a load of laundry in to where I can lay down and fold it.

I want to cry each time I see the house. It was so nice. Now he refuses to put anything away. husband, I mean. The kids spread clutter. They are kids. husband NEVER asks them to put their stuff up. I am the only one, and since he sits and grumbles that they make too much noise they are caught in a bad place.

I just told husband that HE is in charge of getting the kitchen CLEAN - including floors, counters, under the table and on the table. Every. Flippin. Day.

He looked like I wanted him to wax his bikini area.

We will see. I am making a list of what needs to be done.

This may escalate into WWC (World War Cleaning)


GRRRRRRRR. It is never a good idea to poke the bear.

 

[crazymama30]

We have a similar problem in my house. Hugs. I have been ignoring it due to husband just being d/c'd from psychiatric hospital and having hernia surgery Wed.

In your case I would be beyond angry. husband needs to buck up and help out. Especially in regards to Jess, it would make me very angry that he thinks she can make her own food. It is like he just cannot bring himself to understand how she suffers, it may be too hard emotionally to realize that she is as fragile as she is.

Would it help to sit down when you are calm and have a talk with him? Or write a note and see if he will respond? Sometimes it helps me to write it out first and read it and try to see it from the other person's perspective.

 

[Wiped Out]

I'd be hopping mad (especially that he would make something for himself and thank you and not Jesse). Hugs.

 

[Hound dog]

Wow. Guess I'm not the only one, huh?

husband did get a bee in his bonnet today, though. Not sure why, but not complaining either.

I hope both our husband's find work before we have to strangle them with their own socks.

((hugs))

 

[Steely]

Grrrr. Your post reminds me of how thankful I am to be single (sometimes).

Men. Geesh.

Hugs.

 

[susiestar]

Thanks all. I am past the letter writing and calm talk stage. I have already tried that several times.

He sits and worries about things and doesn't DO anything while he worries. Then he is exhausted and mad at himself because he didn't get anything done. I hate to do it, but I always end up kicking his tail and telling him to stop thinking and start doing.

Calm talks lead him to nod and agree and say he will do x and y and z. Then he leaves the table/room and it all runs out his ears. So nothing changes.

He doesn't make dinner for Jess because there are no frozen burritos that she likes. She also doesn't like corn dogs. I have kept certain things on the list so that she can heat up soup or fix a sandwich at any time. I also often fix sandwiches and carrots, or leftovers or whatever I can when husband is on a burrito kick.

Part of the problem with his potatoes or huge thing of rice is that he eats so MUCH and usually 2-3 hours AFTER dinner is fixed/eaten. He pours a ton of melted butter and about a cup of grated cheese on top of sliced cheese and jalapenos on his potato. Then night time is a real problem, if you Know what I mean?.

It makes Jess and I feel like we did a bad job with a meal when he goes and does that. Very demoralizing.

I will end up kicking his tail until he gets his act together. Again. maybe it will help me get my stuff together more.

 

[witzend]

I think he was probably wanting to change about him the things that wanted to change about him. I would totally want husband to start taking up the slack if he weren't working. He probably feels that these are all things that you did (or put up with) without his help for all of those years, and he wasn't expecting you to change the rules on him. He may have thought that he might like to start walking and then running, and he's probably a bit disappointed that he isn't doing that. But knowing men? I'm thinking that chipping in around the house never once entered his mind. It just wasn't in the rules or the game plan.

In my experience, four or five years of intensive marriage counseling might help. Might... If he wants help.

 

[Abbey]

Susie...don't beat me with a bat, but I will say that right now being out of work really does stink. I was so flipping depressed that I didn't want to do anything. I'd go physically job hunt for a few hours, then do the internet thing for a few hours. It got to be where in a small town like this there was no place else to go. I think these people would run and hide when I walked in the door. Oh...it's her AGAIN. I felt like I was starring in Groundhog Day. Every day the same old crud with no results. It's very demoralizing. At some point you just kind of give up.

I see the same pattern now with H as his business has really declined. He has far too much time on his hands and does nothing with it. He doesn't understand how his business could take such a turn for the worse. Ummm...well, you moved to flipping WI and have you watched CNN lately? It's called a serious financial crisis nation wide.

I'm not excusing your husband, but understanding a tad what it feels like.

On a side note - he actually washes his own clothes and unloads the dish washer? Well, you're 2 up on me. That hasn't happened in 19 years for me.

Abbey

 

[AnnieO]

It's not limited to people who are not working.

My husband is working... But it doesn't matter. I'm still doing what I consider to be more than my fair share.

He says I don't see what he does... But the grass is a foot high in the back yard... He's not mowing... He's right. I don't see. Because it's either invisible, or not being done, or he's not telling me...

 

[donna723]

You have just described reason #947 why I am divorced and plan to stay that way! When I was married we both worked full time, both gone from the house the same number of hours a day, but it was just expected that I would do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. He came home and hit the sofa with the remote in his hand - I reported straight to the kitchen! He didn't even do the yard work - our son did it! He would tell our son to do it and figured that HE was like the 'chore coordinator' - he arranged to have it done therefore his part was finished!!

I would have to be deathly ill and refusing to get out of the bed before he would even attempt to do anything that he considered to be my job! And if he ever did heat up some soup for the kids or make a couple of hot dogs for them to eat, he expected endless praise and thanks for the enormous sacrifice he had made!

Thank God and Greyhound he's GONE!

 

[Shari]

I'm sorry Susie. I was having a temper tantrum about this same thing last night, only I am (fairly) well and it still peeves me to no end.

 

[AnnieO]

Temper tantrums don't seem to work.

Counselor Thursday night said that husband needs to listen to what I am feeling. He's concerned that my reaction to husband threatening to leave was to say I had a place to go and the kids needed stability. Instead of asking why. He can tell that I've had it up to THERE.

I think this may have something to do with gender stereotyping... You know, guys take out the garbage and mow the lawn and women do all the inside stuff.

Having said that, though, I know of at least one couple where it is reversed. So... Who knows.

 

[donna723]

That wouldn't be too bad if they actually DID it! Mine didn't! And one weekly lawn mowing or taking the trash out twice a week does NOT equal the amount of work it is to cook, clean, do laundry and take care of kids seven days a week! When HE got off work, his day was done and he felt like he was entitled to relax with his feet up. When I got off work and came home, it was like reporting to a second full time job. Many nights I didn't even sit down until it was time to eat dinner.

Now, I still do all those things (minus the kid-taking-care-of) but I do it for ME and I don't have to look at his lazy rear sitting on the couch with the remote in one hand and a beer in the other!

Can you tell that I still have a teensy little bit of hostility about this?

 

[Shari]

Oh, I didn't have a real temper tantrum. The horse just got an earfull about my being at the end of my rope about my husband's lack of participation while I mucked the poor horse's stall and doctored his foot.

Horses are good listeners, tho.

But no, it won't work. Nor does outright telling him.

Heck, when I had surgery 2 years ago, my doctor told him I needed to reduce stress and limit allergens in my indoor environment or I was going to have lasting health effects from it, and THAT didn't even motivate him.

My husband DID take out the garbage last night. First time ever that I'm aware of. Be great, except I stopped the garbage service 5 months ago because the company that took over rarely actually picked up our garbage.

Sorry, Susie. Didn't mean to hijack your thread.

Maybe we can lock all these husband's in a big messy house and the one that actually comes out alive might be worth having at that point? I dunno.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry you are all having these problems too. The only time I can get husband to clean is to throw a tantrum (aka specifically detailing what jobs I want/need/ expect to be done by him.).

then he does them for a day or two. Then he stops and prays I won't notice.

He loses. I am not giving in this time!

 

[Shari]

If it works for you, you go for it, girl!

 

[witzend]

I am sorry you are all having these problems too. The only time I can get husband to clean is to throw a tantrum (aka specifically detailing what jobs I want/need/ expect to be done by him.).

then he does them for a day or two. Then he stops and prays I won't notice.

He loses. I am not giving in this time!

This sounds just like home. Don't forget the part where their feelings get hurt when you have to clean up after their "cleaning". And why is it that when I think "Mow the yard" I think 'mow, edge, and pick up any big clots of cut grass" and he thinks "mow"? Even though it has been clearly defined multiple times a month for 12 years now?

 

[totoro]

He must not have the super human eye sight that you possess! Those magical powers that only a woman has, to be able to discern a mess from wonderland.
I love the those comments like, "If I cleaned it, it still wouldn't be good enough for you"

I am sorry men just aren't wired like us.

 

[Shari]

I love the those comments like, "If I cleaned it, it still wouldn't be good enough for you"

And he'd probably be right.

Except, after 10 years, it'd be nice if he at least had an inkling where to look for clean bedsheets, or what it takes to dress a child for a couple of days...

 

[AnnieO]

Except, after 10 years, it'd be nice if he at least had an inkling where to look for clean bedsheets, or what it takes to dress a child for a couple of days...

LOL - you are SOOOOO right!

I went out of town last March for 2 days. Came back and, even though my DAD had been there helping & directing the cleaning... The sink was full... no laundry done ***the ONLY thing I had asked husband to do***... it was mid-March and Jett was dressed in a muscle shirt and shorts, no shoes or socks, playing outside (it was about 30 degrees that day). They just don't notice these things.

That said - my Dad is one of those rare guys who cleans and does things around the house. Really does. So I guess I've been spoiled... Then I married TWO GUYS WHO DON'T DO HOUSEWORK!

Sigh.

...If this doesn't work I am never getting married again.