Why bother contacting me?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Esri, Mar 25, 2015.

  1. Esri

    Esri Member

    I get a FB msg from my daughter, not from her phone, her friends, because her phone is charging.

    Her: I'm with B and T, I'm safe but I want to see if you can take E (her cat) until I figure things out.

    Me: what happened?

    Her: he (her boyfriend) effed up his second chance,

    Me: did he hurt you?

    Her: emotionally, not physically this time.

    Me: yes, we can watch E (her cat)

    Her: thanks mom. I am talking to him later.

    Now I am even more confused. Is she leaving him or what?
    It's hard to know because she doesn't call me. So I asked her:

    Me: are you going back to him?

    Her: I don't know, we never split up, trying to figure [email protected] out still.

    Me: can you call me, it would be easier to talk?

    Her: I don't have my phone.

    Me: you contacted me, I'm only trying to find out what's going on. Can't you use T's phone?

    Her: I'm ok, everyone is ok. We are talking tonight after he gets off work. I promise I'll call you tomorrow after things calm down.

    WTH? Talk about confusion. I think it's so selfish of her to contact me like this, and can't even have the courtesy to call me. She totally went back and fourth in a matter of minutes.

    I'm tired, I'm sad I'm confused and I'm angry.

    Everyday my disappoint grows.

    I love her but I really don't like her much these days,

    Thanks for listening.
  2. Esri

    Esri Member

  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    These kids have no clue what they do to us. No clue how their behavior affects us.
    No clue how much we love them and worry about them.
    Won't you see her when you get the cat? It can't walk over by itself. I'm thinking your daughter will talk then.
    So sorry it's like this.
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  4. Esri

    Esri Member

    I don't know if I'm getting the cat now. I bet she will stay with him.

    Her choice to make.

    I guess I'll know more if she calls me tomorrow. I've already decided not to contact her, if she doesn't contact me. I just keep hurting myself.
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  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member


    She probably doesn't have a plan. Was trying to come up with one, and the cat was an obstacle, so... oh, right, I can call Mom. It's probably the least important detail, but... clueless.
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  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Our Difficult Child are really good at only reaching out when they are in need of something. They never process how they trample our emotions.
    I think it's a good idea to not contact her.
    I know when my son sends me messeges on FB (that's the only way we have to communcate - he has no phone) it's like riding a wave to shore, you hang on as best you can, keeping your balance and keeping your focus on the shoreline.
    We will always worry about our Difficult Child, that never goes away, we will always love them, that never goes away and there are many times that we just don't like them and that's why it hurts so much, because we love them.
    All we can do is ride these "waves" out the best we can. For me, I find it best to limit my contact with Difficult Child and to remember and accept that it's his life, his choices and I have no control that.
    ((HUGS)) to you........
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  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Texting/FB messaging is the standard of communication for this generation, I've sort of gotten used to that. With my kids especially, sometimes I prefer it vs. a phone call, because I have time to think about my response before I send it. She probably didn't think a phone call was worth it - in her mind, she was looking for a plan for the cat, and that was it.

    I know it feels discourteous to you to have text vs. a phone call, but in this generation's mind it's perfectly normal. So many of them seem to look at an actual phone call as a nuisance - and to be honest, I'm beginning to feel that way myself, which I never would have thought possible! I used to talk on the phone for hours, now, I avoid it.

    I agree that it's best to leave it to her to follow up. Go on about your business and try not to think about it!
  8. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    It's not like they plan things out or think them through. She had a thought about the cat, her first impulse was that you should be solving this problem for her, so she acted on that impulse.

    That's what they do. It's not like she took the time to define the problem, think through different ways to resolve it and their ramifications, then, after careful consideration, decided texting you was the best option. That's what rational people would do. She's riding the roller coaster of her emotions and impulses and she wants you to come along for the ride. The best thing for you is to get off the ride.
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  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Tell her that you will talk to her about taking the cat when she calls you. Just remember, you "can take the cat" doesn't meant you "will take the cat". Think about your wants and needs - can you take the cat with no strings attached, without being a part of the rest of the drama? If not, she might want to ask someone else.

    She probably just wanted to show you that she is thinking ahead about a problem, but didn't want you to question her thought process. I'm not sure what it's been like at other times for you, but it seems like a good opportunity to let her try to work this out.
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  10. Esri

    Esri Member

    She messaged me.

    They worked things out and I don't need to take the cat. Their friend told a lie to break them up.

    These people are 'adults' ???

    I just replied with
    I'm glad you're ok.

    Not getting in the drama.
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  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Esri, we can go right back there in one instant, when they text us about helping with the cat, or washing a load of clothes or just about anything.

    I so understand.

    It's really better just to know they are alive, but nothing else, when they are in their full element. Getting engaged usually means getting very disappointed...and then hurt...and then upset...and then angry...and then grief-stricken....and here we go again.

    It's going to be some time before they come around. If we can maintain some distance---for our own sanity---we will be able to stay more even.

    But it's really hard when we love them so much.

    Hang in there...you went around the world with the cat and sound like you are centered again. We're here with you. We get it.
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  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ersi, I'm here too, don't have a lot to add, just want you to know I'm reading along and sending you hugs and warm wishes for your own serenity, your own peaceful moments, your own joys........you're right, stay out of the drama.......as COM said, "we get it."
  13. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    That is the truth. So many times, that is exactly what all this feels like to us.

    I think it was very nice of you to offer the cat a safe place. I think too that your daughter must have a sense of responsibility, in that she thought of the cat's safety or comfort at all.

    And maybe this was the only way she could maintain her adult status and still get that hit of mothering, that forever kind of love that makes us stronger without having to ask for or even, be aware of, the strength and stability and safety mom represents.

    Just that you know, just that she knows you know what she is going through, can be enough, sometimes, to get her through it strong enough to turn right back away from you.

    Being the mom seems to carry so little value, sometimes.

    But I think, when the kids are older, that our primary value has nothing to do with what we do for them, and can even be compromised when we take charge and prune their independence by solving things for them and so, creating a dependence. Our primary value seems to be that we are there, and that, even when we don't like them very much, even when they really bug us, we love them.

    I am trying really hard to get that piece, now.

    Loving and being loved without being judged, or without having to be anything in particular, that is the issue I am trying to come clear around, lately. So, that would be about pleasure in what is. Conflict or sadness, even.

    I am thinking about this, but it is very hard for me to actually do it.

    No abacus.

    Just presence.

    This is beautifully perfect for me, too.

    I still get swamped by the roil of emotions involved in changing my responses ~ more with the kids than with the grands. With the kids, there is that extra level of shocked betrayal when I say no, or when I say nothing.

    Very uncomfortable.

    This imagery will help me.

    Me, too.

    Me, too. I am coming to resent present moment interruptions. That is the difference, I think. It must be the same, for the kids.

    Though it is good to hear their voices. It makes me happy to hear those voices after a time without contact by voice. Probably, it is the same for them.

  14. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Esri -- Oh, I sooooo hear you on this one! I understand. You called it. So sorry to hear it's gotten to that point. But, it does get there, doesn't it?

    We're with you. Sadly, we can relate. Gladly, we support you and validate you. It's all too real.