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General Parenting
Why can't family be supportive?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 74474" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>If you get a diagnosis at the appointment, share it with mother in law and apologise to her for not taking the kids to the wake, but the way difficult child was behaving, you didn't want to inflict him on everyone. He was enough of a handful for you, one-on-one. And if she says you still should have brought him, then apologise again and say you'll take her thoughts on board. Even if you disagree - let her feel she has got through. It hopefully will make it easier for you to get through to her, when you need to later on.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes you have to let your 'elders and betters' think they have successfully chastised you, even while you're feeling how unfair it all is. Never try to justify yourself under those conditions - you will fail. Instead, leave room for them to later on come to their own conclusions in support of you - this will be easier if they don't feel hostile towards you because of your apparent lack of propriety, compassion and empathy.</p><p></p><p>I do know how you feel - when father in law was dying, he wanted to see me, wanted to see the kids, but difficult child 3 was too much of a handful, I had to stay away much more than I wanted. Often, I'd send husband in and stay outside in the waiting room with the kids, or only bring them in for a few minutes, removing them as difficult child 3 became noisy and difficult. In that hospital ward there were strict limits on noise and numbers of visitors.</p><p>Meanwhile other family members were fairly critical of me, I felt sure - but at least father in law died never knowing about the autism. He enjoyed what he saw of his grandkids and he got to spend more uninterrupted time with his two kids, which is what I thought was important.</p><p></p><p>In a situation like this, it's more important for the family members to feel 'heard', even if they're wrong. They're not exactly at their most receptive right now. Just you hold on to the thought that you were doing a generous, kind thing for them, and for husband, even if they don't see it that way.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with the appointment, I hope you get answers. I wouldn't be pinning hopes on a diagnosis of ODD, at such a young age, without any other underlying disorder. If he does say ODD, keep asking questions. It rarely travels alone, it's generally a consequence condition, in my experience.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 74474, member: 1991"] If you get a diagnosis at the appointment, share it with mother in law and apologise to her for not taking the kids to the wake, but the way difficult child was behaving, you didn't want to inflict him on everyone. He was enough of a handful for you, one-on-one. And if she says you still should have brought him, then apologise again and say you'll take her thoughts on board. Even if you disagree - let her feel she has got through. It hopefully will make it easier for you to get through to her, when you need to later on. Sometimes you have to let your 'elders and betters' think they have successfully chastised you, even while you're feeling how unfair it all is. Never try to justify yourself under those conditions - you will fail. Instead, leave room for them to later on come to their own conclusions in support of you - this will be easier if they don't feel hostile towards you because of your apparent lack of propriety, compassion and empathy. I do know how you feel - when father in law was dying, he wanted to see me, wanted to see the kids, but difficult child 3 was too much of a handful, I had to stay away much more than I wanted. Often, I'd send husband in and stay outside in the waiting room with the kids, or only bring them in for a few minutes, removing them as difficult child 3 became noisy and difficult. In that hospital ward there were strict limits on noise and numbers of visitors. Meanwhile other family members were fairly critical of me, I felt sure - but at least father in law died never knowing about the autism. He enjoyed what he saw of his grandkids and he got to spend more uninterrupted time with his two kids, which is what I thought was important. In a situation like this, it's more important for the family members to feel 'heard', even if they're wrong. They're not exactly at their most receptive right now. Just you hold on to the thought that you were doing a generous, kind thing for them, and for husband, even if they don't see it that way. Good luck with the appointment, I hope you get answers. I wouldn't be pinning hopes on a diagnosis of ODD, at such a young age, without any other underlying disorder. If he does say ODD, keep asking questions. It rarely travels alone, it's generally a consequence condition, in my experience. Marg [/QUOTE]
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