Why did I take so long....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by midatlanticdenial, Oct 2, 2014.

  1. I created this whole thread and when I went to send it, the site crashed and now I have to start over again.

    So here it goes....

    My 23 year old son is a heroin addict. Unfortunately, it took me way too long to wake up and the denial. Like everyone says, they are master manipulators. I realize I've been enabling him all along when I thought I was helping him. I've bailed him out of so many situations, thinking this is the last time. Once we get thru this mess, it's over and we can move on. Yes he lives with us (but not as of today)!

    I've helped him get through school so he could become an electrician. I've helped him with cars so he can keep a job. I've made sure his bills get paid. He has lots of bills. I've believed his lies, fell victim to his manipulations and all to have credit cards stolen, money stolen, tools stolen, and the final straw: jewlery stolen. I have to keep valuables in a lockbox. A lot of good that does. He picked the lock. Unfortunately, these things happened in little bits and pieces so you don't suspect at first. My husband and I now know we've lost a lot of stuff.

    I am so heartbroken and mentally and physically drained. I work two jobs and my husband works nights. We're not home a lot. I've always worried when we're not there, whether my stuff is safe. Yesterday I found out he had gotten hold of one of my husband's credit cards (it was in the lockbox) and used it buy food, gas and stuff he could pawn. Last night I gave him the ultimatum: Jail or Rehab. He said rehab. But outpatient because he's not going to miss work. Of course he isn't. He just started working for a new company and he's making very good money. He'll have plenty to buy drugs with. Today I had this nagging feeling. I checked the lockbox for some rings I had in there (trying to keep them safe). And guess what they're gone too! One was my husband's wedding band, one was my anniversary ring. I'm so devastated. I called him and told him he was never to come near my home again. I was going to call the police and press charges. He told me not to bother that he was just going to kill himself. I never wanted it to come to this. I have never been strong.

    Everything I have been reading is everything I'm going through.

    I hate this place drugs have put us in!
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    It is all a process... none of us dealing with addiction in our kids starts out strong! People who havent been through it will talk a good game, but when you are faced with it it is really really hard to be strong and do the things we end up having to do. So dont beat yourself up for the past denial etc etc. It is what it is, it was what it was. You can only move forward from today.

    Find a good parent group such as alanon. I know this has been a big help to me and is one of the things that has given me a lot of strength.

    And given the precious things he has taken from you I do think you should call the police. Let them decide what they are going to do about charges, but the police know the pawn shops etc and they might be able to help you get your rings back.

    And really jail might be what your son needs at this point. It certainly is a convincing point to an addict to get into treatment. The courts, as flawed as they are, can sometimes help.

    But most of all get your house back so that you can enjoy being home. The best thing about my son not living at home is that I enjoy being home.... I used to wait for Monday morning just to get out of the house! No more now I hate Monday mornings!

    And it is much better living in a home where you dont have to lock up your keys, valuables and medications!!!! I remember the days when we slept with our car keys under our pillow.... one main reason we would not want our son living back with us.


    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  4. After posting this thread, I contacted the police and will be filing charges. I want my life back. I'm finally ready to move on and be me! I'm not scared anymore, I'm angry and hurt.

    I cried the whole time I was talking to the police, but inside I know I'm doing what has to be done. Perhaps save his life!

    And I'm tired of sleeping with my wallet and my keys inside my pillow!
  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I think you did the right thing. In the long run you have to feel safe in your own home and you have to be able to lead a healthy life. You can't do that right now.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I am glad you went to the police.... it was the right thing to do. The police have seen it before I am sure!! And of course you cried, there is almost nothing more heartbreaking than this. Be prepared for your son to be angry and to blame you if he gets arrested.... just remember it was his actions that put you in this position and whatever happens is due to the things he has done. Dont let him make you feel guilty, you did the right thing.


    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  7. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    Congratulations for taking this step. My 32 yr old SD and grandson have lived with us for the last 3 years. She always exhibited signs of depression/disrespect/disconnection, etc. Over the last few months, I've noticed things - money missing from my kids, behavioral changes, withdrawn, always tired, no explanation where her paychecks were going. I suspected drugs but had no proof and without it my husband was not prepared to accept she was doing drugs.

    After a few incidents over the past several months (hindsight is 20/20), all hell broke loose a couple weeks ago. She came home completely wrecked from a belated birthday party her in-laws threw for our grandson. We sent her to bed, knowing there was no talking to her in that state of mind, and we took care of our GS the rest of the evening and put him to bed. Before bed, we walked out to the front porch and found one of his b-day presents was on the front step. My husband decided to take a walk around SD's car to see if she dropped anything else. He found a small wallet and cash on the ground. He also found bundles of heroin. THAT was the proof needed.

    Against my advice, he felt the need to go wake her up and have our own little intervention. Suffice it to say, that went sideways and in the end I ended up calling the police as she attacked me and threatened to kill me. The police would only be able to arrest her for offensive touching which would not have kept her in jail overnight so I told my husband to find a place for her to go immediately because if she didn't go, I was leaving. He took her to a friend's house that night.

    It's been a tough couple of weeks. She did volunteer to go to rehab and detoxed at one place for 10 days, then she was transferred to what we thought would be a 28-day stint at another longer-term facility. They discharged her a week later and after many phone calls and research, she finally has gone to a halfway house for a minimum of 90 days and max of 1 year.

    My husband has been in contact with her couselors and with SD throughout the past couple weeks. I have had no contact with her whatsoever but this weekend we are supposed to drop some things off to her that she needs and I am a nervous wreck. I'm not ready to see her. She's claiming no recollection of the attack but I don't believe it. She has shared all kinds of stories with her mom and dad about all the terrible things she's done over the past 5 years of this adiction but for some reason she doesn't remember the most violent night of them all? I'm a little cynical-I don't buy it. I am going with my husband because he is the love of my life and I want to support him.

    I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to deal with her. Right now I am so angry about what she's done to our family - and continues to do to our family. She's sober but hasn't quite gotten past the manipulation attempts - including not letting us know where she was or where she was going after the 2nd facility discharged her. As if she was trying to punish my husband for refusing to let her come home. And of course, I'm sure she sees me as the devil incarnate because I have forced this on my husband. I haven't, by the way. He told her she may believe it's a safe environment for her, but then it wouldn't be for us.

    My husband and I petitioned for and were awarded Guardianship of our GS so we are now taking care of him full time, working full time and all this additional stress on top of it is exhausting. But we will get through this. And so will you. What choice do we have?
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Let your husband go alone.
    Seriously, don't drop her things off with your husband. Why would you want to see her? Why do you feel you have to see her? She has violated you in every way possible. I would think you'd need a total break from her for now. She sounds cunning and mainpulative and possibly personality-disordered. It is unlikely she will change. If you see her change and maintain for a long time maybe you can give her another chance...very slowly...and not in your home (like meet inl public coffee houses).

    Be kind to yourself and tell your hubby he will have to go himself. If he still feels the need to try to rescue her, that is his misfortune...he can't. You do not have to enable SD or enable your husband while he enables his daughter. I think you misunderstand love or at least my understanding of love. Your husband is not taking good care of his needs. You are not loving him by helping him enable his daughter's bad behavior so that she keeps treating him like garbage. Even when we love somebody, sometimes, more often than we want to think, it is better and more loving NOT to support their poor choices. Are you the love of HIS life? If so, why would he even consider putting you through this? Think about it. He should not care less about you than you care about him, so your not going should be met with deep understanding and his wish to protect the woman who is loved so much by him. It goes both ways. A strong man, in my opinion, would insist that you stay home...that he can handle it alone. And that you will not go if he has anything to say bout it. I know my husband would not want me to go with him, if we were in this situation. He is protective of me, more than I want sometimes.

    It is unfair to blame SD for the disaster of the family. It talks more than one to tangle. If your husband would have the guts to toss her out for her cruelty, thievery, disrespect and other unpleasant traits and behaviors, she would not have the power to interfere so much in your lives. There is a fine line between a nice guy and a doormat (I know first hand...I am a recovering doormat). There is such thing as being so compliant out of fear of rejection and allowing yourself to be whipped by your own children. I did this once. No more.

    Daughter can only do what she is allowed to do so it's still a Daddy/Daughter dance with both playing the game. I hope he truly makes he live elsewhere from now on. That's a big step for him and one he needs to stick to in order to protect you and love you. You aren't the one behaving like criminal. She is.

    Also, never, ever be certain somebody who used drugs is sober if they are still acting like criminals. Don't you think the thievery was to buy drugs? I do. I'd bet the farm she is still using.

    Hugs!!! Put yourself first for a change. You are worth it.
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2014
  9. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

  10. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    Hubby was definately in denial for a long time. I didn't see it for a long time but caught on before he did. He's the kind of guy that needs proof and I had none to provide - whether it was actual drug use, stealing money, etc. Without the hard evidence, there was no getting her out of the house. Mainly because our 3 yr old GS. He knew she was immature and irresponsible and he was not convinced SD could take care of her son properly on her own.

    Now that SD's in treatment and out of the house, he's made it clear to her she can't come back. As far as the continued manipulation, I'm convinced she's testing the boundaries with dad. He's spent her lifetime telling her yes to everything. Now he is actually is telling her no and I believe she believes she can still get another yes out of him. He's standing his ground and I am proud of him for that.

    I've always been the tough love type. It's hard when your mate is the exact opposite. Even when he would argue with her, he always ended up being the one to apologize or try to soften the blow. It made for very tough times and lots of arguments between he and I. He's not doing that now and it has made our relationship better. I pointed out to him yesterday we have not had one argument in the last couple weeks since she's been gone. There were daily arguments when she was around.

    I haven't backed out of taking the ride with him to drop off her things but I did tell him that's all it will be. We get so little time together alone. I don't want to miss that time with him. So a couple hours in the car, a very quick drop off of some bags and we are on our way. He was more than OK with that when I told him how I was feeling.

    I am the love of his life, too :)
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry, heroin use is awful and so many families like yours are being affected. So many promising young people being lost to this horrible drug. I belong to a fmaily support group and the overwhelming percentage of families there are struggling with heroin use by their loved ones. I too congratulate you in contacting the police. I hope and pray that the court system gets him into a program and he begins to change his life. It is a difficult recovery but it can be done.
  12. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Dear MAD.. I feel for you. Heroin is such an addictive, destructive drug. My son too has been addicted to heroin. Until he got arrested he never would quit no matter what anyone said, no matter if we kicked him homeless, even stole from his baby nephew, father & I's wedding bands.. I feel you. As of today, he's 47 days clean, he went to jail for 11 days and was fortunate to get probation. So his experience scared him enough to quit. He's been in a residential treatment program for over 30 days. We need to allow our difficult child's to take their falls and not help at all because it only prolongs the indefinite. Once they fall hard enough it's decision time. My faith helps me and I do believe God is in control. So prayer is a big part of my life. We have no control over our difficult child's, so you can tell them you love them but then, let go.. when they come clean you can welcome them with arms wide open. ((hugs))