Why did I think

[flutterbee]

...my son would be any different from other men. Oh, I don't know. Maybe because I raised him different.

He has a girlfriend. Claims he's totally in love and doesn't want to lose her.

He has a certain female friend that he has, at times, kept secret from his girlfriend. Swears up and down that they are just friends. But, he would lie to his girlfriend and to ME about it (I would call and he would say he was just "driving around" and he was visiting this friend) because he doesn't want his girlfriend to get "upset". She never would have gotten upset in the first place if he didn't LIE about it.

Tonight, he's meeting this chick for something to eat. And he tried to lie to me about it. Told me where he was going, but said he was going by himself. Ha. I know him better than that.

I told him if he wanted to break up with his girlfriend then he needed to grow the cajones to just do it. He said he didn't want to. I said that carrying on like this would lead to the end of their relationship. He went anyway.

I'm so PO'd. I didn't raise my son to be a liar and to sneak around. I told him that if this girl was a such good friend she wouldn't do things that would potentially jeopardize his relationship with his girlfriend. Apparently, she has no cares about that, but then is 'afraid' that his girlfriend doesn't like her.

Devon has created this problem by lying about it in the past. When someone habitually lies about the same thing, there is NO trust on that issue.

I raised him better than this. I am so disappointed in him. No one deserves to be hurt that way. It's just wrong.

 

[crazymama30]

I am sorry he is being such a jerk. Right now my opinion of men is not so good, so I am going stop and not hijack your thread.

Maybe he just needs a few more learning experiences. It is unfair that someone has to hurt in the process.

 

[rejectedmom]

I am sorry your difficult child is disappointing you. I know you raised him better. Hopefully he will learn from his mistakes when the inevitable happens and he looses a good thing. -RM

 

[Hound dog]

Frustrating, isn't it?? But on this one he might be lying to himself about his true intentions toward this girl as well as to girlfriend and to you. We can be very good about lying to ourselves when we want our cake and to eat it too.

You've given him sound advice, he's refused to take it. Evidently he's going to have to learn the hard way. Awful that girlfriend will be hurt though. You're right, she deserves better.

I know it's especially frustrating on us parents when we've grown to care for the other person they're hurting.

Maybe your words will play like a broke record over and over all the time they're together......and eventually sink in.

((hugs))

 

[flutterbee]

I called him and told him that the doors will be locked and bolted by 11:30. Hope he makes it in by then.

Oh..and here's the good part (actually there's a couple, but in the interest of server space...): He's been having trouble getting up in the morning because of being so tired from the mono. Not sure at this point how much of that is an excuse. So, when he told me he was going to get something to eat because he couldn't sleep - and before I knew where and with who - I asked him if he was going to be able to get up in the morning. He said he would have girlfriend come over and wake him up.

When I found out what he was up to, I said no way are you asking girlfriend to come over and wake you up because you were gallivanting with another girl.

 

[Hound dog]

Oh, and I'm sure you probably wouldn't anyway..........but don't cover for him. I never would for my kids when they didn't want to be honest with their friends or boyfriends. If I had to, I'd refuse to say anything at all, but I never covered for them.

girlfriend needs to plant her foot in his rear a few times. grrrrrr

 

[flutterbee]

Oh, I'm not going to cover for him.

But - and this may be wrong - but if they do break up and he starts dating this other girl, she won't be welcome in my home. It's just the way it is.

 

[flutterbee]

It's 11:45. He's still not home.

 

[gcvmom]

Natural consequences, baby. Natural consequences Some guys just have to learn the hard way. DOH!

 

[Ropefree]

wyntergrace: I am with you. I certainly do not want to have my son playing the cad and breaking rules under my nose. I laid down the law under my roof and I am sticking by it. If the rule is 11:30 then when my son walks into my house again he is grounded. And next time after that process is completed...and I find steps and make the guy work to regain a priviledge...then the new curfew is earlier.
ANd all the discussion I use around why we do things are centered on how that relates to the next sets of relationships.
Getttng grounded and going through all the work that is involved is also a medaphor for the work it does take to end one relationship to enter another.
And the time between the two, bing seperate. He will have to do that for himself one day or turn into a onion person with all these unresolved 'issues'layered one on top of the other.
I am sorry how hard it is when they are out, though.
I am going to be enthusiastic for the empty nest when it is time. Oh I have plans for that time, I do. I do. Involving my tidy life. ANd my art messes undisturbed. And I will be doing some sleep. It is going to be fine deep sleep and I will not be betting up on somone elses schedule having dreams of waitressing and angry customers because I have to much STRESS.

 

[hearts and roses]

gvcmom said it for me. Natural consequences.

My first thought, really, is that he is only 17, and no matter how you raised him, his hormones are in control and he will just have to learn the hard way why it's not okay to mistreat someone and stomp on their heart.

I really think, as much as it pains you, that you need to take a step back and let the chips fall where they may. Don't cover for him, but also don't get all up in his business with his girlfriend. If she is like any other woman, she will know anyway, or, at the very least, find out and do what she has to.

Hugs - it pains me to see my daughters behaving in a way that is so very different from the way they were raised. I feel you pain.

 

[flutterbee]

He finally got home at midnight. I was so angry I thought I was going to explode. I did have the doors locked and bolted, but it was only 34 degrees outside. I took his keys and his cellphone as soon as he walked in (after I let him find out that the doors were, in fact, locked and bolted).

How the relationship between him and his girlfriend work out is their thing. But, I will not stand by and watch my son lie and sneak around. Not as long as he's living under my roof. And I will not have him lying to me. As long as he is under my roof, it is still my job to parent him and teach him values.

At least when he asked if I didn't trust him and I said no because he's lied to me, he said, "That's fair".

 

[hearts and roses]

At least when he asked if I didn't trust him and I said no because he's lied to me, he said, "That's fair".

Well, that's good!! I guess that shows he's really a easy child underneath all that testosterone, lol. If it had been my difficult child, she would have started a fight over a comment like that, but she is a difficult child.

Heather, I hope you don't think I meant that you shouldn't continue to teach him right from wrong...I didn't. I only meant the part about not getting between him and his girlfriend. Sorry if I wasn't clear on that.

 

[flutterbee]

Jo, I understood what you were saying. No apologies necessary.

I was just trying to make it clear in my own head. I was feeling last night like the meddling mother in law - except that it was my son and not the daughter in law, Know what I mean?? So, I'm trying to keep perspective, even though I love his girlfriend like she were my own.

She goes through so much emotional abuse at home. I just feel very protective of her. I need to try to keep things in perspective in regard to their relationship. And I am struggling with that. So, you made a very good point. Thank you.

 

[Ropefree]

Good job! "you don't trust me"

The house rules are known to you and you do not follow the rules. That shows lack of accountablity ie 'trustworthiness'

Until a child is 18, and while anyone is living under ones roof the rules you require are "the law".
While a person is your liability issue then you, Mom, are responcible for their behavior. Right? So go ahead and link the dots.
No privileges, an early curfew when the rules have been written down by your son.
ANd every single thing he wants to do he has to ask you first.
Why? Because teens do not think through their whims...that is why. THe question why is mechanical...it is about the way something works...as parents teens are required to think about what they are intending to do, ask permission, say where they are going and with whom, who is supervising, and when they will leave to come home. Stops along the way.
Why? so that they ARE thinking through what they are doing. Also so that if something happens you know where he is, what he is doing , who he is with. and when he leaves point a to go to point b befor he comes home if he gets in a wreck you can start looking for him off the side of the right road!

The want their freedom...that is good,,,that will motivate the youth to do the things they do ulitmately need to do to be self supporting and self aware enough to be safe. And until they are doing that under your guidance they will be using their time in at minimum a safe productive manner, Occupational Therapist (OT) at least safe.

Oh, and although discussing these fine points of his maturation with you is important such converstions need to be done at your discretion. He has to be the person who is receptive.
I held off on any discussion of restoring priviledges until after the rules were clearly understood by him. He has to write them down, and he has to show he 'gets it"
He has to cooperate, be submissive and respectfull. He has to copperate with his own grounding.
Then when you are satisfied he is doing his part then explain that you are well aware that you are finally at the short end of the parental joyride. ANd you are not willing to have him dwindle anymore of your resourses or time on his own amusements. You do not have to pay for it. ANd you do not have to tolerate his immaturity and lack of respect or be the model he uses to ruin relationships in his future.
Work him. Push him to do his part and more than his part. That is what adults do.
He feels ready then all the chores and complete adherance to the rules, curfew and good grades.
I told my son he could stay grounded until age 18. I do not have to suffer and pay to suffer because he wants to be abusive, by breaking rules and bad behavior.
ANy infraction after he is off restriction and he is on it full time and that is that.
outof parental control is something that a judge can go over with him in a courtroom.
oh and link your rules as ways he learns to respect the rules that he will incounter in relationships after yours:employers, landlord, roommates, schools, dorms, jail.
and interpersonal skills:girlfriend, her parents, teachers, professors, employers,cops.
Hope the struggle you incounter with him bares fruit. That you immerge on best terms and the effort is so worth it to you. It worked for me and after the second that I really did get my Parental Authority demeanor on and just did not waver it was a done deal.
A couple days into it my son actually pointed out when I did waver. I asked him when what has to be is a direction.
Direct. The exit door is ready, the sign is lit up and the final act is alot of work too.
This is the finall preperation..it could be over soon and it maybe you will be in a workable relationship to get him launched in his education and career path befor he is out that door and you can take down the light over it, put something more ornamental.

 

[Hound dog]

Heather you did a great job of handling it. I hope Devon take some time to think about it.

Hugs

 

[flutterbee]

Ropefree, I'm not sure what your point is. I really don't need a lecture on raising on my son. I'm doing a pretty damn good job of it myself, thankyouverymuch.

 

[DDD]

Instead of giving a serious response to your post (mainly because I, too, am embarrassed by my kid's choices!)....I'll suggest that you watch the new bizarre television series Tool Academy. It's a tad bit too contemporary (a/k/a crude) but it features other people's sons making similar poor choices. DDD

 

[Ropefree]

Well maybe when you are not so stressed out you will read the input of others who are reading what you write and offering glimses from their own lives and see that as a way of showing caring.
I am not doubting you in anyway or offering any suggestion that you are not a good parent. I am sharing what seems so to me from my point of view and I assume that as a creative person you will make meaning for your own purposes if anything is useful to you.
I am going through similar age issues.
I am sorry that I am not understood by you at this time. My experiances, what I do in my family,for my family. I am sorry you seem to be offended. That is not my intention.

 

[nvts]

Oh Heeeeaaaatherrrrrr!

I would let the girlfriend come and wake him up...


BUT...

I'd tell her to come at 4 a.m...


and when she got there, I'd hand her two flashlights (you KNOW where I'm going with this, don't you??!!!)...


have her creep in on "little cat feet" and shine the two lights in his eyes and YELL...


"LOOK OUT!! TRUCK!!!"

Missed you!

Beth