why do children?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Dixies_fire, May 8, 2013.

  1. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    So I have an app called whisper it was supposed to be a spin off on the post secret app that was taken down last year by the way if you don't know about it www.postsecret.com very cool, it updates every Sunday.

    Anyway the app is supposed to be 18 plus but it isn't. And this girl posted that her parents loved each other but where getting a divorce and she thought it was because of her brothers and sisters having disabilities. There are 9 of them and they are all adopted.

    Now I am sure her parents didn't know exactly what they were getting into when they took on a boat load of difficult child's but I imagine there must of been a lot of love there. Love they wanted to share with children.

    I told her that I'm sure unless one of her parents was abusive towards them it probably wasn't the reason partly because in my heart I felt it to be true and secondly because even if it is true she doesn't need to think that and 3rdly because my ex husband's parent tried to tell him the reason he cheated on his wife of 22 years was because his son was a pos. and that's bull koi

    Anyway my question was why is it so hard for children to understand that parents are people too? parents have feelings also and sometimes it isn't all about the kids, if anything the kids probably kept them together longer then ripping them apart. I'm not really talking about younger kids but an older kid?

    My ex and I loved each other pretty sure we still kind of love each other but there was a point where we just couldn't start over again, couldn't push it aside and keep acting like the marriage was working.

    I sometimes wonder of tk thinks boyo causes our divorce, because boyo was an infant I went to Afghanistan and then poof she had no two parent system anymore.

    It's not a conversation I wish to have with her because if she didn't think it before she might think it after I asked her and she can be relentless about some of her ideas.

    Thoughts? Do you remember being thoughtful of your parents as people? I remember judging moods, good mood bad mood with my parents and thinking my mother was fragile. I didn't think of how alone she must be until I was a teenager though.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This one is easy.

    Kids do not have the maturity we do. Their brains haven't finished developing yet. They are ego-centric because of age and do not have the ability to think in the context you are wanting. Divorced kids feel insecure...they want their parents to stay together and can not understand "we don't love each other anymore" without thinking "then maybe one day they won't love me too." This continues even into the teen years, in which kids are both adults and kids and they are still evolving. If you want to divorce, your kids will not really understand and it will affect them greatly and, yes, they tend to think it is their faults. And get angry too because they love you both and want you together, not with other partners or alone. My grandson, who is five, has seen his mother run off with another man who she is still with and almost a year later tells both of his parents, "I want you to live together again."

    Boyo is three years old. There is no way he can empathize and rationalize in the way that you want him to. All he knows is t hat his secure world was torn apart. It is about him, not you, and he's not being selfish. He is just being three years old.

    Actually, parents of difficult children do divorce more frequently and often it is because of the stresses and strains of raising a more differently abled child. Adopting nine kids with special needs...perhaps they believed they had it in them, but that is REALLY pushing anyone's limits.

    Your kids will most likely understand more when they are adults. Yep, that's at least what I found. You can discuss these conflicting feelings you had with an adult and the adult will understand. A child won't. They are just way too dependent on us as parents. I divorced once too and my kids were older and still very upset.
  3. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Was just kind of a I'm general thing.

    It's clear to me
    Tk would prefer us to be back together but when boyo has seen pictures of his dad and I . Boyo always asks me if its a picture of him and ex's girlfriend. He doesn't have much frame
    Of reference of us being together because of deployment and yada yada.

    My parents divorced when I was maybe 3 and all I remember of them being together wast dad breaking into the house drunk and beating the snot out of my mom. When they got back together when I was 16, it seemed like a huge betrayal and I moved out I thinkable partly because of my first memories and partly because of the situation. They wanted to be together but didn't want to make concessions for having a child teenaged or otherwise in their living arrangement. All together it seemed like a giant ass pain and I wasn't going to live that way. And luckily they didn't make an issue out of it and I was able to take care of myself without being a difficult child.

    Just trying to gain alternate perspective.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My parents split up when I was 19 years old. They stayed together "for the good of the child." Ugh. What a miserable existence. My mother actually told me I was the reason for their divorce and she stuck by that statement until she was no longer able to make coherent conversation due to alzheimers. In her world, I was responsible for all bad things in her life. I have no idea if I would have blamed myself or not if I hadnt gotten that shove into that direction immediately upon their separation.