Why do I even give a hoot ?

[shellyd67]

husband's neice K has been a thorn in my side since to moment I met her. The very moment !

She literally shoved a halloween mask on my face so hard it hurt. She was three at the time and now she is 20 and not much better.

It is no secret that I never liked her. She is an only child who has been given EVERYTHING and NOTHING has ever been her fault.

She has no friends and a loser of a boyfriend who is only 16. He is a disrespectful punk who I avoid being around unless it necessary.

Problem is I have enough of my own problems yet the stupid stunts this girl pulls and that her parents think the sun rises on shines on her rear end totally bugs me out.

They make excuse after excuse. She washes dishes in a restaurant (atleast she has job, I know) she has no car, no money, yet they give her all of the above and it really bothers me and I wish it didn't. Like I said I have enough going on here to be worried about how they parent, but I do ???

When the brag or LIE about her it just makes me bite my tongue til it bleeds. She has the nastiest attitude and dresses like a streetwalker and is very overweight with it all hanging out. REPULSIVE is the word that comes to mind.

I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way ...

 

[AnnieO]

No... You're not horrible. It's your opinion. You are entitled to an opinion... Just do me a favor and don't make your tongue bleed anymore, K? Just walk away.

 

[buddy]

How often do you have to deal with her?? any way to distance yourself more?? you dont need that extra stress....

 

[shellyd67]

I own a business with her parents so I have to DEAL with all of them quite often unfortunately.

 

[Hound dog]

Try a different approach maybe? This girl is going to remain a difficult child.........and unless some major life lessons are tossed her way and she learns from them soon........probably will always be a difficult child simply because her parents couldn't be honest with themselves, let alone anyone else, about their kid. Sad situation.

I think you're mad because you care. Notice I didn't say you like her, I said you care. You're seeing potential going to waste and it's driving you nuts. Not to mention it's really hard to constantly hear someone bragging on someone who in no way deserves it.

(((hugs))) No answers, but I do understand.

 

[hearts and roses]

This is another one of those times when you need to practice detachment.

I work for my brother in law. I have to deal with this kind of **** all the time, believe me, I know how difficult it is! It is necessary to detach, walk away, be polite and nice till it's comical.

Sorry, that's all I got~

 

[keista]

I own a business with her parents so I have to DEAL with all of them quite often unfortunately.

And this is why you care. The lies, the denial, everything is in your face every day. You wouldn't be human if it didn't get to you.

 

[tiredmommy]

I think it's normal to resent this sort of thing (parents basically hobbling their kid with their generosity and denial) while you're dealing with difficult child issues.

 

[Star*]

Well....I think it's very plausable to dislike someones child and not have any feelings of love for them period. Relative or not. Mind you - I wouldn't ever ALLOW anyone to hurt my niece - but the girl is a (can't type that vernacular here) and the sense of entitlement she wields and has since she was a baby is ridiculous. Her Mother encourages her streetwalker attire, she encourages her sassy - get-in-your face attitude, and it doesn't matter whether it's with me or MY MOTHER. She's brash, opinionated, rude, crude, and she will flat out tell you to go to hades if she wants to. The only time she's even civil? Is if she thinks she can get something from you or wants something from you - and if she wants something? She has no problem stating that if she doesn't get it now? She'll just get it when you're dead (in reference to my Mother) so Yeah .....I think it's very possible to dislike someone even if you are blood.

My first encounter with the child was a visit to my home, we have fireants. We set up a pool and kiddie fun stuff, and my niece was TOLD repeatedly NOT to go to a certain area of the yard. We did treat for them, but at that time the poison took a while to kill a hive. She went where she wanted to go anyway! (typical) We explained it again - and she began to cry like we had scolded her, and my sister came unglued, screamed at all of us for yelling at my niece. We explained that fire ants could kill a child of five. She didn't care -we were all picking on her daughter. WELL SO BE IT. A little while later the kids were back out in the yard and my niece wandered back into the forbidden zone - after being instructed NOT to discipline her daughter - we had to OBEY my sister and my niece was bitten as you can imagine several times - around fifty before she even knew it. Like we told her - she was stung and my sister scooped her up, and in the process also got bit. We sat there and did nothing as instructed. When the baby wouldn't quit crying I came into the house and got the Benalyn, and some season all - and told my sister - that if she sat her on the counter, and put cold water on her legs, and rubbed the season all on her legs - the salt would take some of the sting out - My sister said YOU DO IT----so I did. My niece was shrieking - and kicking...and having a fit. I told her in a soft voice to calm down, it would be okay and soothed her with saying "It will be okay, I know it hurts now, let me put this on your legs, there, there.....let me see.....it's okay. calm down...and from THAT??? My sister got so angry and started throwing a fit and said "DO NOT TELL HER NOT TO CRY - OMG you are HIDEOUS she can cry if she wants to....and if she wants to she will got it? And with that? My niece started to shriek again, kick, flail - kicked the salt out of my hand - and knocked stuff off my counter - and my sister came to her and held her and said (are you ready?) "Don't cry.....don't cry!" ------

After that little incident? Myself, DF and my son made wide circles around both of them. DF got some fence and put it up around the area where the ants were so the kids couldn't get near them and took the pool down because water attracts them too in the hot days. Dude was so upset. My thought also was - Dear Lord if she slips in the pool? That's it. Or anything else - Dude begged us for the sprinklers -and we said "NO" not until they leave. (could be a rock or an ant or a blade of grass) sheesh.

To this day - I've never been thanked for a single gift I've sent. NOT ONCE. I've never gotten a call for any card with cash. NOT ONCE. THEY have NEVER NOT ONCE sent DUde a birthday card, or Christmas card - but did tell him once - they had a gift card for his birthday -but she was lousy with mail - and hated to go to the post office - Dude asked for three years if she was ever going to send it. lol. So yeah - I understand. The fact remains to me - she is NEVER going to change. We are NEVER going to be close because her Mother made her like she is - and LIKES it that way. I thought maybe if she graduated and got out on her own - went to college and got away from her Mom? She'd change - but when she made plans for college? Her Mother said "I'm moving with her to campus!" We all were just aghast. She's never let her live her own life - and now she's pregnant, living at home, invited her boyfriend to live with them...and in a year I may have gotten a 3 minute call bragging that someone was going to be a grandmother......oh and that makes you a great aunt. Whoopie.

Well at least I know where they won't bring the baby for vacation ------We still have fireants.

 

[shellyd67]

Your neice sounds so much like my neice Starbie.

Since the Kindergarten teacher heard my neice telling the boy with the heart condition she hope he dies or when the teacher heard her using foul language on the playground and neices Mom called everyone in the family and asked if we EVER heard neice curse or tell someone to drop dead ??? WHAT ???? are you kidding me lady of course the school and is lying your sweet child never did any of these things. and so it began ...

 

[tiredmommy]

Last year, my ex-bff's 6th grade son called a teacher a Fxxxxxx Axx Hxxx. She refused to believe the principal because her baby wouldn't do that... even though she's used those exact same words to describe the teacher in front on her son. This is the same kid that threatened to hurt Duckie for standing up to his bullying little sister (that the mother defended also). Care to guess why she's an ex-bff?

 

[Lothlorien]

Don't feel horrible. I would feel the same way. Having to deal with her and her parents on a regular basis makes it difficult to distance yourself from it all. You just have to find some way to detatch.

 

[shellyd67]

I know I totally need to detach. I have decided to just walk away and if they ask my opinion and I am just going to say I would rather not give it ...

I could fill an entire book with all the excuses and BS they try and make for this girl but it is not worth worrying or stressing over. I have enough of my own problems... LOL

 

[Star*]

People like them - NEVER understand real problems. I think it's why they invent so much drama of their own - so they have SOMETHING to complain about.

 

[susiestar]

Sounds like they are total conflama junkies. Conflict +drama = Conflama, I think it was maybe Maya Angelou who I first heard use the term, on some reality show where a bunch of women who had never made a good choice or lived with a consequence all moved into a house to get their koi together. I don't remember the show other than that word, but it is the perfect word.

I am sorry you have to deal with that. We have had it in my family too. Luckily we never lived close to the relatives who tried to turn their daughter into your niece. Sadly for niece, her mom died of cancer when she was a teen, but in some ways that wasn't terrible. Niece learned her mother had lesions in her brain and it explained a LOT, esp tossing niece out for hubby who tried to molest her.

As you cannot get distance, as I couldn't for a while from gfgbro and now-exsil, start making your plans to write "My relative married a Wack-job and raised another: 101 ways to mess with your crazy relatives". Plotting that book was my salvation! I didn't actually write it, though my father had some AWESOME things to add - things he wanted to do to his brother's wife, because he also had a bro who married a crazy person. I find that having that type of outlet really helps me not blow up. I also have been known to remind myself often that just because they are crazy doesn't mean I am crazy for caring about them. God cares for idiots too, doesn't he? (NOT meant to be flip - it actually is a mantra I have used to help cope wtih the fact that I DO care even if I have to cut the person out of my life.)

I think it upsets you partly because you work SO HARD with and for difficult child that it makes you frustrated when you see them bragging and indulging the difficult child that did not have to be. Esp when they think her dysfunctional life is wonderful. it is also hard to explain to your child exactly WHY his cousin is allowed to behave that way and he is so totally NOT. That is tough too.

If nothing else, know that you are NOT alone!

 

[InsaneCdn]

(NOT meant to be flip - it actually is a mantra I have used to help cope wtih the fact that I DO care even if I have to cut the person out of my life.)

Susie... you're SO right about the "still caring" stuff... our "fav" therapist used to say that care isn't an on-off switch, that we have a "ladder" of care, and only so much time and energy... so we have to focus first on those closest to us, and IF there is anything left, we can reach farther out.... but not reaching "out" doesn't mean we don't care!

And maybe that really is the answer to the original question. We "give a hoot" - not because we can change anything - but simply because we care.