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Why do I feel so guilty??????
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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 29305" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: tracy551</div><div class="ubbcode-body">How do you get thru this or do you get thru it? </div></div></p><p></p><p>Hi Traci. That's a good question, and one we all face. While I haven't dealt with the depth of issues you face, wife and I have asked all the same questions you asked. "What did I do wrong"?</p><p></p><p>I don't know how others here feel, but I've recently learned that looking back at the path you've already traveled is only good if it helps you figure out where to go. I can look back at the last 18 years and find a myriad of things that probably contributed to the issues my family faces. I used to beat myself up for a lot of them; "we should never have moved three times in 10 years"; "wife should never have taken a job"; "I should never have moved up to a point where my job takes me away from my family"; etc.</p><p></p><p>Valid points all. But rehashing them did NOT help me figure out where to go from here, so I'm trying very hard to not dwell on those things anymore. It's hard to not feel guilty, especially when either difficult child is acting out. But the truth is we did the best we could, with what we had, at the time we had to do it. And now we are where we are, and both my sons are old enough to make their own decisions. </p><p></p><p>From other wise members of the board, What I'm trying to learn to do is "detach".</p><p></p><p>So far, though, relief from "detaching" has only helped a little because (a) I'm not really used to it yet, and (b) I'm an ex-military, fairly straight-forward kind of guy and used to taking responsibility for my own actions. So, while I'm learning to detach my guilt and reactions from the choices of my difficult children, I've also sought out professional help for myself and my wife. </p><p></p><p>Ultimately, we found some relief through counselling and medications that keep our bodies from overriding our brains when reacting to situations. Doesn't make it "good", but it does make it easier to see reality when difficult child is acting out,and to make better decisions at the time. I can honestly say that my difficult child is easier to work with when I'm not flailing around in the middle of an anxiety attack that his acting out brought on.</p><p></p><p>Okay, I talk too much. But from where I sit the bottom line is this: if you look back and believe that you did the best you could, then start with where you are now and go forward. If you're still in the middle of the fight, you might want to seek help for yourself and your significant other - not just for your difficult child. And talk/post here if it helps. For me, writing is very theraputic, and there's a good crowd here that will welcome you with open arms and warm hearts.</p><p></p><p>Best wishes and prayers for you and yours.</p><p></p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 29305, member: 3579"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: tracy551</div><div class="ubbcode-body">How do you get thru this or do you get thru it? </div></div> Hi Traci. That's a good question, and one we all face. While I haven't dealt with the depth of issues you face, wife and I have asked all the same questions you asked. "What did I do wrong"? I don't know how others here feel, but I've recently learned that looking back at the path you've already traveled is only good if it helps you figure out where to go. I can look back at the last 18 years and find a myriad of things that probably contributed to the issues my family faces. I used to beat myself up for a lot of them; "we should never have moved three times in 10 years"; "wife should never have taken a job"; "I should never have moved up to a point where my job takes me away from my family"; etc. Valid points all. But rehashing them did NOT help me figure out where to go from here, so I'm trying very hard to not dwell on those things anymore. It's hard to not feel guilty, especially when either difficult child is acting out. But the truth is we did the best we could, with what we had, at the time we had to do it. And now we are where we are, and both my sons are old enough to make their own decisions. From other wise members of the board, What I'm trying to learn to do is "detach". So far, though, relief from "detaching" has only helped a little because (a) I'm not really used to it yet, and (b) I'm an ex-military, fairly straight-forward kind of guy and used to taking responsibility for my own actions. So, while I'm learning to detach my guilt and reactions from the choices of my difficult children, I've also sought out professional help for myself and my wife. Ultimately, we found some relief through counselling and medications that keep our bodies from overriding our brains when reacting to situations. Doesn't make it "good", but it does make it easier to see reality when difficult child is acting out,and to make better decisions at the time. I can honestly say that my difficult child is easier to work with when I'm not flailing around in the middle of an anxiety attack that his acting out brought on. Okay, I talk too much. But from where I sit the bottom line is this: if you look back and believe that you did the best you could, then start with where you are now and go forward. If you're still in the middle of the fight, you might want to seek help for yourself and your significant other - not just for your difficult child. And talk/post here if it helps. For me, writing is very theraputic, and there's a good crowd here that will welcome you with open arms and warm hearts. Best wishes and prayers for you and yours. Mikey [/QUOTE]
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