Why do I let myself hope, just to be disappointed?

[Lil]

So Monday my son wanted his "allowance" because he wanted to Christmas shop for his dad and me. His grandma gave him $50 on Saturday, but I gave him his $40. He's almost never bought us anything. Last year he got us some DVD's, that sort of thing.

So today is Christmas. I told him Monday night if he wanted to wrap anything, the wrapping paper is in the closet. He said, "Ok." I asked him what he got his dad and he said he wanted it to be a surprise. Last night I mentioned there was nothing under the tree yet and told him to not wait until the last minute and just dump it in a bag. He said, "Don't worry, you'll have your surprise tomorrow."

You know what he got us? Nothing. Nada. No gift for either of us. Not even a freaking card.

He said first thing this morning that he didn't get it all worked out, but he'd tell us what it was if we wanted to know. We discussed it and told him, "Sure. If you want to tell us we'd love to know." He says, he is trying to plan something special, something that really expresses how he feels and that he did go shopping, but couldn't find anything that was right. So, yeah, that's not vague at all.

In son speak...that means he has no clue and never did and he's lied the whole time. Why? Why would he tell me he got something when he didn't? Why would he build me up for nothing? Why? That's what hurts. He could have just not mentioned a gift and I'd have been fine. Really. But instead he did this.

After opening his gifts (a cd, a poster, an Insane Clown Posse beach towel and a $100 gas card - no cash, nothing he can sell, although I suppose he could sell the gas card) he has retired to his room, where he has been, when he wasn't out with friends, ever since he's been home. Never mind that he promised to spend the whole day with us. He hasn't taken a shower or changed clothes since Saturday, even though I've asked him to at least 5 or 6 times. In fact, since he came home December 12, he's taken a grand total of two showers. In short...he's doing what he always does, ignoring us.

Why do I keep hoping for the best? Why do I keep thinking, "This time it'll be different?" Why can't I just assume the worst? I'm so tired of being hurt. I really, really thought this ONE day, he'd care enough to do something...anything.

Merry Christmas.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh I am sorry you are going through this! It is hard because we do keep hoping....but for now it sounds like detachment is in order. So hard during the holidays.

TL

 

[Lil]

I just want so badly to go into his room and tell him how he's made me feel...but it wouldn't do any good. He already can tell I'm upset with him and instead of doing a single thing about it he's just staying in his room. I'm tired of crying. I want him to feel as bad as I do. That's petty, but it's how I feel.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm really sorry. Sounds like he used the money probably for drugs or booze or both. Why do you fool yourself? We all want to trust our kids. In time, most of us stop being that way if it goes on and on. Your son is old enough to buy you presents from his own earnings. If he refuses to work or makes excuses why he can't work, just tell him you'd be happy with a hand made card. I'd never give him money to buy you anything at his age. I wouldn't give him money at all. Yes, expect him to sell the gas card. He may be able to cash it in.

Hugs and empathy for your hurting mommy heart.

 

[Lil]

It isn't even that he didn't get us anything. It's that as late as midnight last night, he TOLD me he did. Apparently my "surprise" this morning was that he lied. It's simply cruel to do that to me. And he said he'd "spend the day" with us. That's become "watch a movie". I'd rather he just went somewhere else than put himself out.

 

[BusynMember]

He was prolonging your knowledge that he spent the money in a bad way. I believe he is using drugs, right? Well, as my daughter told me, now that she's clean, "Never trust a drug addict. They lie all the time."

He is too old to be getting an allowance. I'd cut that out now. He is probably using it for reasons that would scare you. The new reality, which is very hard for us parents to face, is that you can no longer trust a word that comes out of his mouth. For now he is not the boy you raised.

I am very sorry you have to walk this path.

 

[Lil]

I do believe he's smoking pot. I don't really know, but I don't think, he's doing anything harder. The only reason he's getting any money is that we're still waiting to see if he attempts to go back to school. We don't expect him to get a job here if he's going back there.

So anyway I told him, for future reference, just don't tell me he's going to do something if he's not going to do it because that way I won't be disappointed. He said, "I just didn't know what to say." I told him I never expected gifts...if he hadn't said anything it would have been better. But to tell me he had gotten something was just mean. Of course, he also hasn't spent 15 minutes with us, when he said he would spend the day. He said, "I was just about to come in there." I told him not to do me any favors.

The lasagna that's in the oven I cooked just because he doesn't like traditional Christmas dinners. He won't be eating any. He's leaving because a friend called and asked him to come over. I told him to go if he wanted. Because I don't care...I really don't. I can't have what I want, which is for him to want to stay.

Of course, before he can leave, he has to have a friend come and take him to the gas station because his car is bone dry, to the point it won't start, and he's had $90 since Saturday, but apparently didn't spend it on gas. Guess he'll be using that gas card.

All in all, this has been the worst Christmas I have ever had.

 

[BusynMember]

I cautiously say I think he is using more drugs than just pot and that sadly you will discover that one day.

Sounds like he gets a lot of money as an allowance. He can't get a part time job? I'm thinking that he sort of has entitlement problems.

I was very naive about my daughter. I also thought she was just using pot. I never knew the extent of all she had done until she told me after she quit, although, as time went on, I had to face the facts that it was probably speed.

Do you know his friends? Do you know if they use drugs? I can't shake the feeling that this is your son's problem. Daily pot use can be a problem too, by the way. Something is changing him and you just don't totally change your attitude at his age unless something has drastically changed in your life. Have you ransacked his room, checked his Facebook, read his cell phone? If you pay for these things, you have every right to breech his privacy if you are trying to find out what is going on so that you can try to help him. Not that it is easy to help a grown child. But at least you know best how to offer suggestions and to stop enabling.

I sure wish you luck. This is not fun.

 

[Lil]

Haven't checked his room in a really long time. When we did we just found synthetic pot. But I have to say, this isn't exactly a new change of attitude. He is what he is. He's always been self-centered. It's just worse now.

One things for sure, if he is doing other things, it isn't speed. He wouldn't spend all his time sitting on his butt if it was.

 

[Nancy]

I'm sorry Lil. I still remember the Christmas I spent crying the entire day, it was my worst Christmas ever and I really felt no hope that naything would ever be any better. I had to learn how to detach and not expect anything from difficult child. A few years later, a lot of detaching and a support group of other parents and I won;t ever allow anyone to make me feel that low again.

I think for me a lot of my disappointment came because I kept expecting my difficult child to act nice, to grow a heart, to want to make the holiday pleasant. Instead she acted like she always acted and it was too hard for me to accept that she didn't want to be part of a happy family. Once I finally accepted that it was her problem and she could only make me feel bad if I let her I was a lot better.

What does your husband say about this? I agree it sounds like your son is doing more than pot, although synthetic pot (spice) can be a nasty drug and it's not benign.

 

[Lil]

My husband has handled today much better than I have. Mostly because he has given up. He didn't expect anything, or worse, expected that my son would give us a gift and it would be a DVD or something he himself had stolen from us to begin with. He also doesn't think there's anything harder than pot, or the synthetic, at work here. I no longer know and I'm too tired to care. Which of course isn't true. The one and only thing I find myself capable of caring about right now is the fact that my only child does not love me. I don't know, maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. It feels like he doesn't and that tears my heart out. I'm so tired. He couldn't get his car started. Right now my husband is trying to jump his car so he'll go. He ended up eating dinner, in his room of course, not with us and an hour after we were done, and is finally going. I wanted him to go hours ago. Waiting has been worse than the fact that he wants to be gone. I hate myself for wishing he had never come home. I hate myself for wishing he was just someone else. I'm tired of hurting. This has turned into a stream of consciousness and I'm sorry. I'm tired and I want this awful day to end.

And now he isn't going. He's just driving around to charge his battery because after three hours of BS he says it's too late. I wish he was going and staying gone. I wish he wanted to stay and be my son again.

My husband has been so good to me today. He keeps giving me hugs. I keep crying every time he does.

 

[Signorina]

If it helps lil, I am staring at my 3 boys right now and thinking the same thing. My difficult child has done a number on my pcs since he showed up yesterday; and he's ticked as heck at me bc he was giving pc16 college choice advice and I told him - in front if everyone - that he is the LAST person who should be advising easy child about schools choices. And now I am getting hostility from all 3. God only knows what he told them. He just got called into work and we are 90 miles away at moms and it's 11pm & we're supposed to spend the night . Pc19 wants to take difficult child home and then drive back here to pick h and me up tomorrow . As if we should change all if our plans to accommodate difficult child. I've worked my rear end off cooking shopping cleaning etc, they got everything they wanted this holiday and I get veiled contempt in return. I am so done with the parenting thing right now.

 

[Nancy]

Are you sure he got called in to work and didn't get called out to play with his friends? I'm sorry I probably shouldn't say that. Your pcs are trying to make peace, my easy child did that all the time. It was easier for her to get mad at me than have me mad at difficult child.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[toughlovin]

Lil, You son clearly has a serious drug problem.... doesnt really matter a whole lot if it is only pot or more than pot. From what you have said it sounds like more to pot to me, but again it idoesnt matter a whole lot. Drug use is clearly interfering with his life and his relationships. One thing someone said to me once which I think is very true.... when someone is an addict you cannot be the most important relationship in thier life. To an addict their most important relationship is with the drug!!! To them that getting high comes first! And yes they will all lie and steal to support that relationship even at the expense of their relationship with you!

So I dont think it is that your son doesnt love you anymore, right now he loves the drugs more. I know that hurts but it really is not about you it is about his relationship with drugs.

I am also guessing that he probably does feel guilty about his lying to you, and he was just trying to prolong the reality of him spending the money on drugs rather than on gifts for you. He may have had the best of intentions but the temptation got in the way. That is my guess.

I have often told my son that for a gift I would just like it if he wrote me something (he writes good poetry when he wants to). That would mean the world to me... of course so far this year I have gotten nothing but he is in treatment and safe so that is enough for me right now.

I agree that your son lying to you about getting a gift, and getting your hopes up is much worse than if he just did nothing. I understand your hurt.....but my guess is he already feels bad about it. I think most people with serious drug issues have serious issues with self esteem and feel pretty bad about themselves for some reason.

TL


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[Lil]

Thank you all. It was a long, long day and I feel better this morning, actually getting solid sleep for a change. I guess mental, emotional and physical exhaustion was what I needed for that. lol But in the end, I still don't know what will happen. I suppose none of you do. While crying on my husband's broad and hairy shoulder last night I said, the worst part is my son doesn't care. I'd give practically anything to spend one more day with my mother and my son doesn't love me enough to spend 10 minutes. He told me much of what toughlovin said, that he's surrounded himself with people who just use and take and has fallen into the belief that is the way to live. That he thinks deep down our son loves me, but that he's forgotten how because he doesn't love himself. I've always believed my son had self-esteem issues. It was one extreme or the other. He resolutely refuses to cut his hair, dress "normally", etc., and says people shouldn't judge him on his appearance but accept him as he is. If we'd suggest he change anything about himself he'd take it as an attack...like we don't think he's "good enough" the way he is. (This is always, not new.) By the same token, he will allow himself to be used by his friends, using all his gas, letting them eat us out of house and home when he knows he'll get chewed out for it when we go to cook dinner and there's no food, but when he needs something, they all let him down. Like he tries to buy friendship, instead of make friends and people who let you "buy" them, they aren't real friends, but he can't get it through his head.

I don't know about the drugs, how bad it is, I know it isn't daily, because it's pretty easy to tell when someone's stoned or has been once I knew what I was looking for, God knows I could tell 3-4 times a week or more last summer. But he has only had one or two days in the last couple weeks I've known. Maybe he'd just more sneaky now.

He told us last night, he's going back to school this week, to try to re-enroll and appeal his suspension. He and his friend at school who's in the same boat (met thru the same classes, failed them all for failure to go - clearly they bring out the best in each other) are both going to try apparently. We told him, they may not let him back in; we wouldn't. We told him if they do, he better resign himself to going the entire semester and passing, or no other school is going to let him back in for a very long time if he fails again, so he better be sure. He said he would. But, I don't actually believe him; that he'll go and stay for the semester. I think, if they get in, as soon as student loans are in they'll drop their classes and take off. I won't get my hopes up on school. We're already out the rent since we have a lease we can't break, the rest is up to him. I'd love to get him help. I'd love to stick him in rehab and have him come out drug/pot/alcohol or whatever he's doing, free. But as long as he thinks his life is great, he'll never do that.

 

[Lil]

Aaannnd now he says he's going back tonight. Guess he got what he wanted, his gifts. Nothing else mattered. I'm actually okay. I plan on saying a few things before he leaves, specifically that when he decides he's tired of living the lift he does, we'll help. But he'll go either way. I do realize it's up to him to get tired of his life and want to change.

 

[Signorina]

(hi Lil, don't mean to hijack your thread, sorry)

Are you sure he got called in to work and didn't get called out to play with his friends? I'm sorry I probably shouldn't say that. Your pcs are trying to make peace, my easy child did that all the time. It was easier for her to get mad at me than have me mad at difficult child.

As sure as I can be. He IS working commercial snow removal and it DID snow last night. They plow in the wee hours of the morning so that the businesses are clear and lots/walkways are salted prior to opening time. And I checked his phone records. I was next to him when the phone rang, and the usage detail verifies it was a call from the company's landline. So it checks out, but I don't believe anything anymore.I can't even say that I am operating under the "trust but verify" protocol. It's just plain "ignore or verify" now.

On a bright note, the PCs were in MUCH better form this morning.And please don't hold back as far as I am concerned. No worries. I depend on EVERYONE's insights.

 

[Lil]

No problem Signorina, truthfully, I look forward to days when I I can ignore or verify. I would be happy if my son had a job to be called to. If he comes home, he's been told there are rules he'll be expected to follow or get out. #1 is get a job. Actually, that's #5...#1 is to get out of bed no later than 9 a.m. #2 is take a shower every day. Heck, those things would make me happy.

I'm glad your easy child's got better today. Sad when even the perfect children aren't making you happy. But I hope you managed to have a nice holiday notwithstanding the drama. I keep seeing my senior citizen neighbors' kids walking their dogs...they're probably in their 30's. I keep hoping, if I live into my 70's at this rate, that maybe by then my son will have his head out of where ever he's stashed it and will come spend the holidays and actually want to be here. Until then, I'll just try to not get my hopes up again.

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, your son is acting like any kid his age. I have a easy child who is 17 and would rather be with her boyfriend than the family. I consider it normal.

Do not underestimate the cunning of a drug user. We did not know my daughter was a daily drug user. She took in fast/out fast drugs when we were sleeping and was able to function in the morning until it got way out of hand and she couldn't fake it anymore. You son may use every day. I am not trying to discourage you. I want you to see that your son doesn't dislike you. The drugs are talking, not him.

Hugs!!!!

 

[Lil]

Well, when he left yesterday, I had a little talk with him. He left with his clothes unwashed, even though they'd been in the house for two weeks. He left with no additional money, other than gas to get back. He left with no food, and the cafeteria is closed until Jan. 2. I warned him, he wouldn't take anything. He did mention that his friend has found a cheap trailer to rent down there, so if they are kicked out of the dorm for being suspended, (I don't expect them to get back in) they plan on living there. I told him all money and car access stops if he isn't in school, so it better be on a bus line. He asked about the $700 student loan in my savings account...he wants to use it for rent, etc...I told him his dad and I would have to discuss that, since he owes us money.

Finally I told him that, I don't know if his life is just revolving around pot or something else, but when he's tired of it, he has alternatives. In the end we don't really care about college, we just want him to be happy. He didn't deny it, but said he is happy, mostly.

I told him it's easy to be happy when someone else pays the bills, but he might find it a little harder when it's all on him. So now, one day at a time I guess.