You and husband ne3ed to talk and tell it like it is - husband has to accept that he is behaving liek a jerk to people who love him, because other people (not related yo you in any way) have upset him. It's like being mean to Person A because Person B has not been polite. Totally childish.
The BIG thing - it is passive aggressive behaviour, and you are enabling it. You are almost soliciting it in your own behaviour. You try to sweet-talk husband, you try to soothe him to make him feel happy - YOU are not responsible for husband's happiness! And he is behaving like this purely to get you to do this. It's like he's lying there saying, "I am unhappy (not your fault) but I want you to make me feel happy, it is your job."
And you respond with, "Yes, of course, how can I help? Oh, this isn't good enough? Then I'll try this instead. Oh, still not right? Not to worry, I'll keep defending you even though you're being a jerk and even a socially inept difficult child can see it."
My father did this sometimes. I learned how to handle people like this, by watching my mother's reaction. Dad learned it form his parents - he was a spoiled youngest child who always got his own way, but my mother was a very capable eldest child of an eldest child, she simply wouldn't stand for it. She didn't argue with him over it, though - instead, she ignored him when he was moping around sighing heavily and trying (without actually saying) to make people feel sorry for him.
Classic passive aggressive behaviour is to make you play guessing games - they sigh, they mope, they act sad and miserable but DON'T tell you up front what is wrong. YOU are supposed to not only guess, but swing into rescue mode to make him feel better. And because he never told you exactly what is wrong, it's easy for him to never be satisfied, because he can always claim you didn't get it right (because how couldyou if you are only guessing?)
Once he can blame you for failing to cheer him up, his hostility to the main people responsible can get transferred form them, to you. Now YOU are the reason for his misery. You walked right into it.
Back to my mother's technique - an example. My father (for some reason) was feeling hard done by and instead of coming inside to talk to Mum about it, he stayed in the backyard and slaved away in the heat. He said nothing but sent out vibes of "I am miserable; here I am working hard for my family and what thanks do I get? So I'm going to keep working away harder than is good for me, in this heat, until you notice how I am suffering and come rescue me to cool my fevered brow."
I was in my late teens and perceptive enoguh to work this out. Mum said to me, "Dad's in a snit. I am not buying into it, but neither will I neglect him. He can choose when to come in and be sociable. I've made salad for us all for lunch, will you please go let him know that lunch is ready for him now?"
I went to the workshop to let him know. Mum had already called out to him, "Lunch is ready!" about 15 minutes earleir. My message was brief (according to Mum's strict instructions) - "We're about to sit down and eat lunch. It's salad. Your lunch is on the table too. Will you be in soon?"
WHat I got form Dad was a grunt with his back turned (hoping he could later on say that he hadn't heard me properly) so I pinned him down and said again, "We're about to eat our salad. Yours is ready on the table when you com in. OK?"
He grunted what could only be a yes, still with his back turned. Now remember, he was definitely NOT angry with me, but was being rude to me. Even by asking him again, I risked pandering to his bad temper.
So I went inside and reported to Mum. I expected her to go outside to talk to him, to ask him to please come inside so we could all sit down to lunch together. I had gone to some trouble to make a special carrot jelly as part of the salad platter and I wanted him to taste it. But Mum wouldn't let me go out to plead with him.
we waited half an hour, then without calling him again, we sat down to eat our lunch. Sitting down without him was unheard of, we ALWAYS ate our meals together when we were home at the same time. But Mum insisted and also said we had to act carefree and happy. She asked me about my uni studies and did her best to sound interested. We talked about family, about people and I know Mum was doing her best to make the scene at the table look completely normal.
Meanwhile dad was still slaving away outside in the summer heat. He was carrying fence posts past the window and glancing at us sideways to see if we could see how hard he was working. Mum said, "Don't look at him, don't look worried, don't notice him. Just carry on as if he's not there. He's being a big baby and has to work it out of his system for himself. Don't worry, he'll be in soon. Very soon now."
She was right. Dad had seen that we were sitting down and eating lunch, we had started without him and somewhere inside he was horrified. He had been hoping thta we would be forced to wait (and go hungry) until HE chose to come inside and let us all eat. But we had shown him that we were not buyying into his personal drama, nor were we going to let his drama dictate to our stomachs.
Within five minutes of him walking past the window and seeing us, he was inside and washing up for lunch. Mum & I were still finishing ours so we were still sitting at the table when he came in to eat. Mum had warned me - say nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing is wrong until HE says something.
My dad never wouldapologise, nor admit to being wrong. The closest we could get to it was for him to switch back to normal beahviour and never mention any problem again.
I never did find out what it was all about. But he turned it off like a tap and later that afternoon he and Mum were laughing together over something, sitting together and enjoying afternoon tea.
My mother always made sure it was a balanced equal relationship. Yes, we had to respect our parents (and show respect) and even if one was wrong, they presented a united front. My mother never allowed herself to be a slave to my father's bad temper.
I've encountered passive aggressive since then, frequently. I won't stand for it. But I remember my mother's technique and it works. It's like a bucket of cold water in the face of a child who is holding his breath in bad temper.
Mog, your difficult child was right to be critical of husband's behaviour. He also was shrewd enough to anticipate a spoiled evening, if husband didn't wake up to himself.
Also, chances are your husband wanted to snap out of his mood, he probably felt wretched about being such a twerp but especially if it's an old habit, didn't know how to stop. He wanted you at some stage to say, "For pete's sake, stop this stupid act!" even it it gave him an excuse to be angry with you.
YOU are not responsible for his kids not calling him. And if his kids don't call him - why is that? First he needs to examin himself for possible reasons. Is he difficult to talk to over the phone? Do they resent him? Or do they just not think? How good is he, in calling them for their birthdays?
Kids do forget. I just had my birthday. easy child 2/difficult child 2 was visiting that day but forgot it was my birthday until she got reminded later in the afternoon. difficult child 3 also forgot until he saw a DVD thta husband gave me for my birthday. easy child rang to wish me happy birthday and asked if any of the other kids remembered. WHen she lived at home she would often remind the others.
So on my birthday, everybody had remembered (except difficult child 1) by the time mother in law dropped in with a card for me.
A week later difficult child 1 still hadn't telephoned, not about anything. So I figured it was time for me to do something. I rang to talk to him and ended up talking to daughter in law (difficult child 1 had gone out with friends). I told daughter in law that difficult child 1 had forgotten my birthday, but I didn't want to make a big fuss. However, would they please come to dinner the next night? I wanted to have a pleasant evening with them independent of it being my birthday so recently.
So they came to dinner. difficult child 1 met me with, "Happy birthday for last week, Mum. Sorry I forgot. What do you want for your bithday?"
I gave him the fairly unimportant list, and we got on with having a great evening.
Years ago I stopped fussing about important special occasions. I learned thta if you have to remind them, then it's not worth fussing about. Occasions are what you make them into, and if someone doesn't want to celebrate, you can't force them to. Similarly - if you want to celebrate - then go right ahead, you don't need a reason. call it an unbirthday, or "happy non-specific day" or whatever you choose. Keep perspective and remember who is supposed to be the mature one.
It's difficult to make large changes in how you get on with one another. But always remember - however you and husband relate to one another, your kids are watching. How you treat one another teaches them how to live in a mature relationship. So the best thing you cna do for your kids is NOT run around after him to keep the peace, but in fact make him be responsible in the relationship too. Teach your son how to treat the women in his life. Teach your daughter how women deserve to be treated.
I am so glad my mother taught me.
Marg