Why do some parents get more responses than others

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by MidwestMom, Nov 11, 2007.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Is it because we respond back? It often puzzles me that certain parents get tons of responses and others barely get any. I get a lot of them, but I do respond back. I just want to help the parents who need support and maybe are not getting as much of it as others. I try hard to respond to those who don't seem to be getting much feedback. Can we help them?
    I think Merris needs some big hugs. Her post tore at my heart. (Merris, hope you're not mad that I said this).
  2. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I know there are many times I don't respond if I'm not familiar with the subject. Maybe we all need to just respond if it's just to welcome someone new, even if we don't have anything that will help them, but more to let them know we are here and that they are welcome.

    Even if it's someone who has been here awhile, if I can't contribute anything helpful, then I tend to not contribute at all.

    I don't think it has anything to do with people responding because I know there are a few here who look for much more support then they give (no offense meant, just stateing a fact), and their posts get tons of response.

    Not quite sure what the answer is, but I know I'll try to make more of a point of just letting someone know I'm thinking of them, even if it's nothing I can really help them with.

    Thanks for bringing this up :smile:
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I don't post often and when I do, I don't get many responses but I understand. My problems are not ones with quick or easy answers unless I'm willing to let my daughter fend for herself and I just don't think she's quite there yet but getting closer. Plus, I don't bring much of my pain into my posts even though it is there. Truth be told, I've tried to post a few times and just decided to not bother because I knew what I would get is not what I needed and my pride won't let me ask.

    I do, however, try to respond to posts, at least where I think I can help. Sometimes I just can't do it because the pain is too raw. Other times I will try to do a post and it just comes off being angry or bitter with nothing really constructive (especially for newbies who are in the process of adopting an older child), so I don't respond. The other times I don't respond is when I truly have no knowledge of the issues, whether it be encropesis or medications.
  4. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    I believe that certain posters get many more responses because of their ability to infuse the worst situation with humor. I wonder if this is because it's much less painful to get "involved" with this sort of individual's problems than with someone who is clearly in tremendous pain.

    For myself, there are many times I will type a half a page or more in response to someone going through a really rough time, wanting to offer support, but then will delete what I have written because I almost feel that I don't have the "right" to offer my opinions since I haven't been there done that.

  5. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    I am someone who doesnt respond as often as I think I could. I look at my total posts and time on board than some of the others who may have joined after me and I feel guilty sometimes. I honestly dont feel that what I may have to say is helpful sometimes. Or what I would have said has already been said or even said a few times. And then there are the times that I just peek in real quick to see whats going on and I just dont have the time.
    I know recently I havent posted much about difficult child, and thats a good thing, no news is good news in my book, but I still come, every day and see what I can offer.
    I know I avoid the board about the youngsters because it just upsets me.
    I spend most of my time on board in Watercooler or PE or SA, maybe because that is where I am most comfortable.
    Not sure if thats wrong or not but I do know that I come to visit every single day and give what I can when I can and take when I need it. I think some have more time or have better advice to give than me.
    Oh and I do tend to respond to those of you that I know and I am more familiar with their stories, I feel more comfortable, more positive that I wont offend the person or hurt their feelings.

    I will try to welcome new posters because I know how hard it is to join a group and how good it feels to get a great response

  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    You know, that's a good question.

    I reply to almost everybody, on most of the boards. If I have a been there done that, I share, if not, I offer a hug.

    Yesterday I posted about a death in the family and it barely got noticed (of course it was in the water cooler) but people post there every time they fart and in no time there is the little "over 250 reads" flame next to it.

    Makes no sense.
  7. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    I have no idea. I've been a bit more scarce in the past year because of lots of family issues (moving my mom into my home temporarily, selling her home, moving her into a senior apartment facility, taking care of her, my difficult child alcoholic brother and all the chaos that has brought to my plate, etc.), but I do check in several times a day. Sometimes I'm at work and can't take the time to respond the way I want, so I wait until I'm at home. Please know that I do read each post in here, and try to connect with everyone.

    As for why some get more responses? It's just always been that way on the whole board, and there is no explanation that has ever made any sense to me.

    Let's all just try to be aware, and to try our best to make everyone feel comfortable and to know that there are others out there that care.

  8. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Honestly - sometimes posts get so long and involved - and the responses are so numerous that I just don't always have the time to read through it all. And rather than respond to something that I haven't read through thoroughly, I just don't respond at all.

    I find it easier to respond to posts that are short and concise. But - that's just me.
  9. Merris

    Merris New Member

    I'm not mad that you said this, and I'm not mad that I don't always get a million responses. Things have been very rough for the last 6 months and I have hardly been a participant at all on the board. I come here, I cry, I complain, I usually don't reply to anyone, but I come every day. Right now, I don't have a lot to give, but every little bit helps and just knowing there are people out there that care is enough for me.

    I get a lot from the people who DO respond and I get a lot from the posts that have nothing to do with my situation at all.

    I will try to get more involved and participate more. It probably will help me gain my balance to realize it's not just me in this sinking ship.

    If I have ignored or offended anyone by not being supportive, I'm very sorry.

  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Merris, your avatar reminds me of my baby Angel. She is a long haired daschund, with the same colors and if you shaved her, she would look just like that.

    Everytime you post I will think of my puppy :smile:
  11. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    There are times when I don't respond to some posts because I feel like I've not been the best example of any kind of success with my difficult child. I've worked my buns off to try to make a difference and there is very, very little to show for it. SO, what I might think I have to offer seems useless.

    I'm sure some of us have a little more time to be on the board in the first place. Those of us who are able to type more quickly, those of us who have a little more privacy to do so, those of us who think maybe our words have little meaning......a lot of the posts have to do with our personalities, also.

    Interesting thread, MWM. Perhaps we should try a little harder.....starting with ME!
  12. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    I think it's an ebb and flow thing. I used to spend hours after working reading and posting. I needed it then. I needed it for a long time. Now....things are settling (at least for the moment) and it's a few days between a post here or there.

    T/SA board is home as well as PE.

    I know if I need something, all of you are there :smile:

    I have done my share of welcoming in the past and have seen alot of people come and go. I try and look at it as we are a soft place to land, if you need more, keep on posting. If you need to take a break...that's ok too.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Guys, I really didn't mean why don't some people post a lot...lol. Didn't mean a guilt trip thang. Just that some people can post and they get 50 responses and others barely get any. I wanted to help those who get less support, and try to figure out why we always gravitate towards certain posters. I get lots of responses and wonder if it's because I'm interactive or because I'm a writer and maybe I can express myself better???? I feel terribly that some don't get a lot of support.
    I never posted on "teens" until suddenly it dawned on me that I had a lot to offer because I lived the nightmare and survived and my daughter survived. This is an important board where many parents are literally fighting for their kids who are still minors, but often on the brink of "adulthood", at least in legal terms. It hit me fast that some people just get more support than others and I kind of wanted to analyze why that is. I in no way mean to condemn ANYBODY. I really just wanted to help. There are times I also don't respond because I don't feel I know enough to help or because somebody else said what I'd say or, worse, because I'm tired and don't feel like exercising my fingers. So please--don't take this wrong. This is a friendly post meant to contemplate why we don't give all the same support we give to some. I'm as guilty as anyone in that department!!!
    (((Hugs))) to all. This board is just filled with the wisest, kindest, and most wonderful people--nobody should feel bad if they don't answer all posts. Nobody can do THAT. Just, why does Peter get 50 responses and Paul get 2. Maybe conversing can help Paul get more board support...as usual, not sure I'm communicating the right things (sigh). I hope you all "get it." :smile:
  14. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I think it is just because they are more familiar with the post and know what the person is going through. I know it helps me to be able to help someone that I know how if feels because I have been there. It seems most of the posts are about difficult children with drug problems. that is where I am - also my son is in jail and I need all the support I can get - it comes easier from someone whos son has been in jail also. That is what I think! :smile:
  15. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member


    No, I didn't take your post the wrong way. I know you weren't trying to make anyone feel guilty and were just trying to pose the question. I think we all just started thinking and were just elaborating.

    I don't really think there is any answer to your question.

    Some say it's more familiarity with the person or the subject matter, but Mikey is a prime example of that not being true. He was new, so no familiarity with his name, and the subject matter is really nothing new to any of us that have dealt with substance abuse (and before any of you take it the wrong way - I'm only using Mikey as an example - not saying there's anything wrong with it, but just making a point that it's not familiarity with a name that makes people respond). It does seem that because he's a man on a board whose members are predominantly women, he gets a lot of responses, and has from his very first post. People who I've never even seen on Teens before, and have never posted to anyone else on Teens, have posted responses to him. I can't explain it, but it happened.

    (Mikey, I hope you don't mind that I used you as an example. It is not meant to be a negative comment at all. I'm just using it as an example of posts.)

    That was an example of someone gettng a lot of unexplained responses. Unfortunately, there are many examples of people getting very few responses on the flip side. Sometimes a person will post, and only a few respond. Heck, I'm a moderator and have been on this board for many years, and I don't always get many responses when I start a post.

    It's just one of those things that can't be explained. We can question or talk about it at length, but as long as I've been on this board, it's always been that way. Some get many responses and some don't. It just happens.

    The best suggestion I can make is what I did above - to try and do the best we can and to reach out when we can.

  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    There is a wide variation in posts and post responses. There always have been and probably always will be. Ant's Mom is a
    good example. Janet has always had many responses to her posts
    even though very few CD family members have experienced the long
    ongoing complex issues that have made up her life for more than
    seven years. Why? Well for one thing her posts were interesting
    and most everyone was rooting for her to survive and for Ant to
    "see the light" and...it was like being inside a sad soap opera.
    Mickey's posts receive alot of responses because his issues are
    also an interesting read. You can picture his defiant darling son headed for disaster even if you don't have a child like him.
    You wonder "omg, what's going to happen next?" Is wife going to
    "see the light"?

    The reason that the T&SA is "home" for me is because I know I can share the truth here and I know that although many of the
    CD family members here have not experienced my issues per se, all the posters here are willing to listen. Very often I don't
    need a response. I just need to share and know that some of you
    have read what I am feeling and hope that somehow things will be
    better soon for me and mine.

    Over the years we have had difficult children who have died, difficult children who have
    threatened self harm, difficult children who have been arrested and treated unfairly, difficult children who have prostituted themselves...it goes on and
    on with stories of fright, sadness, danger, fear. This is a soft place to land. Sometimes it is a place to chit chat but
    mostly I see it as an understanding, caring place to vent.

    I guess what I am saying is this. The T & SA family is like
    comfortable family. You don't have to talk (or write). You
    can express your feelings and feel safe while you do it. It's
    like being in a comfortable family room. You don't have to talk
    to me.......I just know you are there and I'm not alone.

    Now..lol..the watercooler is a place to chit chat!! DDD
  17. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad


    I can't speak for others, but I do know that my writing style is intentionally cultivated to invite discourse. I've blogged and posted on other message boards for many years, and I think that when I post the experience of having on-line dialogs shows, and it's easy to respond.

    I've intentionally NOT posted for many weeks because of this, because I don't want to detract from the others here who have the same (or more) amount of need as I do. Frankly, until McWeedy loaded up the double-aught and took out his right foot two weeks ago, there wasn't much left I could do anyway, so posting wouldn't have helped other than as an outlet for my frustration. I could have related the wonderful birthday I had with him (NOT), that he's being expelled from the entire district two months before graduation, or the fact that he has to have a CAT scan of his lungs because the radiologist working on his pneumonia diagnosis found something "disturbing", or many other things.

    But I didn't, precisely because of the topic of this thread. Why? There's nothing for me to do about it, and posting about it doesn't help much any more.

    I'm not trying to be sarcastically humble, but I've realized that "blogging" about McWeedy here used to be cathartic for me, and maybe better than Luke and Laura for others to read, but in many ways it detracts and distracts from the overall board. So I've backed off.

    Maybe it's just me and a few others, but that's the best I can offer as an explanation.

    Humbly yours,
  18. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    I think it is a writing style sometimes. I do think some members style of writing can bring in more people to respond.

    I know I get very few responses, but I think that is because my issues are not as serious these days. I would never take offense to it. I hope nobody does.
    I, like Deb, tend to read at work and sometimes can not respond while at work, but TRY to do so later.

    I also think there is a 'connection' that happens with some members. That tends to bring in more responses.

  19. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I try to respond only if I have something relevant to add---or a new perspective to through on a subject. Occasionally I will respond to add support. My posts are few and far between these days because, well, not much has happened to post about. When I first came here, years ago, I was entering into territory I knew little about---mental illness--I knew addiction---had faced it before---but this added demension threw me for a loop---

    Right now difficult child is okay. He is working and going to school. He is trying...we are making progress. It's not perfection...but I don't expect that so I'm okay.

    I don't look for answers here. I'm going to do things my way in the end. We all will. I do, however, look for suggestions and options that I haven't thought of. I look for support for the battle when I'm too weary to go on with the fight.
  20. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I assume you know that my post was not critical. To me the answer to the question is, bottom line, some happenings are more
    interesting than others. I could have posted in 2000 "my kid smoked pot" and then the same thing every blankin' year. After
    awhile it's not interesting...lol...in fact, with some detachment
    I no longer find/found it interesting. On the other hand when
    my kid fell from a balcony and landed on his head...THAT was
    interesting and every single person here sincerely supported my
    needs and prayed for my child to survive etc.

    That's why company is more interesting than the same old household residents! :smile: On the other hand, family is
    still foremost. DDD