Why has my daughter lost all respect for me?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by gjax58, Jan 30, 2015.

  1. gjax58

    gjax58 New Member

    My daughter and I use to be really close. UNTIL, maybe 3 years ago. Before my daughter married her husband she was seeing someone else. Her NOW husband and I never really got along. One day he and I had words and he became nasty, so I told him that my daughter cheat on him and with who (someone that he worked with) ....now my daughter tells me that I betrayed her and that she will NEVER trust me again and is now keeping her distance from me....I was so mad at some of the things her boyfriend at the time was saying to me that I blurted that out to hurt him, not thinking that I was betraying my daughters trust....I wish that I could fix this and we were back the way we use to be but I don't see that happening any time soon. I tell her that this would have NEVER happened if she didn't cheat on her then boyfriend in the first place...what does anyone else think?...is it just me?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, I don't know the history of your daughter, but I do know one thing. Who our grown children choose to marry, whether they like us or not, is up to our grown children and if it were me (and it HAS been me) I would grin it and bear it. It is not a mother's place to start conflict with a grown child's spouse. If the spouse is especially abusive and your grown child will not intercede, to me then it's time for me to back out and see daughter alone or, if necessary, have minimal contact, but I don't think it's fair to cause trouble. We married who we married. They are allowed to marry jerks if they like and it isn't our place to stir the pot.

    If your daughter cheated, and I have no knowledge of the history behind it, to me, in my mind, she did something morally wrong. However, again, I would say it was not a good idea for you to get in the middle of it. It's not so much, in my opinion, that you betrayed her. You got involved in something that is none of your business. Their relationship between each other is nobody's business but theirs. How your daughter deals with her infidelity is her decision, not yours. Don't blame your daughter's behavior on your own. Your daughter is responsible for what she does and you are responsible for what you do. It isn't your fault that she cheated, but in my way of seeing things it is your fault for telling her husband about it.

    I would definitely apologize for getting involved in something that was not your business, then take a back seat and see what happens. Go on with your own life. Usually we do better when our adult children grow up if we accept that our relationship is not going to be as close as it once was, especially once they are married with children. Adult children do not normally hang around with their parents. We didn't and they don't. Some are closer than others. It is not good to become enmeshed to the point where you feel you need to step in and cause trouble because spouse is not in your corner. Also, just because somebody is nasty to you, that doesn't mean you have to reciprocate and continue the nastiness. What's the point?

    I would concentrate on your own life and let your daughter live hers. You will regain more of a relationship again if you don't cling to her and MOST CERTAINLY do not tell ANYTHING she confides in you to anyone else, unless it is that she is going to kill somebody else. There is no reason than safety to tell anybody what your daughter does or says.

    I do not get involved in my grown children's relationships. It has made us all happy and the "kids" (who are no longer kids) feel safe if they confide in me because I keep my mouth shut. I have to say, none of my kids have ever cheated, but, if it happened and the adult child told me, I would keep both my negative opinion about it and what she told me to myself.

    I hope you can find a way to work this out and am really very sorry you are unhappy right now.
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  3. gjax58

    gjax58 New Member

    Thank you for your advice and you are so right. BUT, I think if you knew her husband your advice would be a bit different.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nope. My son was married to a terrible person until she ran off with another man ten years later. I didn't see him much for those ten years as I didn't want to see her. She told me off once. I listened. I never engaged her again, but did not scream back at her. Now that they are divorced, I am very close to my son again and we were never estranged, so to speak. I just didn't want to talk to her and she was his Gatekeeper.So I did other things, including interacting a lot with my other children, working, doing my hobbies, working out, and enjoying my husband and pets (I love animals). I talked to my son when HE called me and called about once a month to ask how everyone was doing, but made sure NOT to fight with Wife.

    It is not our place to get involved in the marriages of our grown kids, in my opinion. It is better to live our own lives. If you don't like her husband, then stay away from him. Your daughter is no saint either, however, neither is my son. We teach them what we do until they turn eighteen and then we are no longer legally in charge of what they do and hopefully they will take the best of what they learned and use it. If they don't, well, they have to do life the way we did. Nothing turns a grown kid off more than an intrusive parent.

    Not trying to be harsh. I tend to be logical and it just makes sense not to get into it with your adult child's spouse, no matter how much you dislike him. It also makes sense not to breach anything privately told to you by anybody, including your grown child.

    Wishing you luck.
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  5. gjax58

    gjax58 New Member

    Thank you so much you do sound so logical. I like my son inlaw, he doesn't like me. I am far from intrusive I just felt that he hurt me and so I wanted to hurt him. Immature on my part I suppose but again you would have to know him. There have been many many times where I have said NOTHING and he has put me down to so many people and for no reason at all...lets just say that he could bring the worst out of anyone, including Mother Theresa, and that is no exaggeration!!...thank you AGAIN!!
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, sure. I do get it. My ex-daughter-in-law wouldn't even let me hold my grandson and during family get togethers was rude to my son's entire family. Since Son didn't seem to notice and I didn't like feeling insignificant I just stopped going there.

    Life is too short and all that stuff. No argument. No "I'm getting out of here" or anything. Just little contact due to how I was treated. And, trust me, nobody else in the family went either...lol. I knew she'd run off on him one day. She got hers. She thought her new guy would be grandson's new father, but my son fought her like crazy and has 50/50 custody, which she hates. It's really kind of amusing. The best part is he looks exactly like my son, is smart like my son's and favors my son's company over her and her new bozo's tenfold and she has to know it. It is obvious. There are times I wanted to punch her face in, so I know how you feel. I just decided not to lower myself to her standards.

    I believe in karma so I don't feel I have to say much ;)
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2015
  7. gjax58

    gjax58 New Member

    Lol my last words to my Son in law was KARMA is a :censored2: (pardon the language. I guess we both should just sit back and watch KARMA do it's thing ;)...Good for your son.

    If you have a few hours I could share with you what my son just went through with his ex....thank God they never married...It's so nice reading you by the way :) I cant say meet, well, because we never have haha
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, my son is not easy to live with. But his ex makes him seem like a saint. At least he cares deeply for his son and puts his son first, second and third.

    I think this ex-daughter in law could give your son-in-law a run for his money, but let's just say, they have been divorced for three years now and she is still trying to control him. She is furious that he won 50/50 of their son as that doesn't give her control. However, my son is doing a good job of radio silencing her except when he has to tell her something about their son as they have joint custody and she regularly defies the parenting plan that the Judge signed as law. He doesn't want to go back to court unless it is a REALLY big violation so he just gets angry and deals with it, but it puts a lot of stress on him, which in turn sometimes puts stress on me because my son can not handle stress, but that's a whole other story.
  9. gjax58

    gjax58 New Member

    My Son in law is a great provider and spoils my daughter and kids alot. BUT, when it comes to me for some reason he doesn't like me one bit. One of his last words to me was "I hope you die you fat pig" I think that he would give your daughter in law a run for her money, he can be evil. who talks to their Mother in law that way grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
  10. gjax58

    gjax58 New Member

    I did reply but I have no idea where that went, now I forgot what I said...oh well
  11. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Welcome to our community @gjax58.

    Sounds like you've got a really difficult son in law...

    I fixed your post for you. The problem was that MWM's post was quoted twice and some how your response got caught in the middle.
  12. gjax58

    gjax58 New Member

    Thank you runawaybunny, difficult is an understatement, but I don't have to live with him :)....so long that he is good to my daughter and 3 Grandkids he is alright in my books....I'm not saying that I'm a Saint, but EVERYONE has said that I don't deserve his nasty words ...oh well, what can one do....thanks again for fixing that for me :)....oh I could write a book and make a movie lol
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He has lovely manners. Got to just shake your head that your daughter hooked up with him and stays. Obviously, there are some reasons she cheated on him.

    Blah, if anyone said that to me, whoever it was, I would stay away from that person and only see the others when he wasn't around. And I'd probably feel some resentment toward my kid for not defending me and telling him not to dare talk to my mother that way, UNLESS you had told him something equally as horrible, which I'm sure you didn't.

    Time to move on until the probable divorce when your daughter will come slinking back to you with tears in her eyes, very sorry that she let him get away with how he treats you. Of course, there is that rare bird who is nice to his wife and kids, but horrible to in-laws. I have a cousin whose husband spit in her mother's face and they are still married today (has to be close to 30 years). Now her mother was no gem, but I can't imagine her doing anything so vile t hat she deserved THAT. Does anyone ever deserve that? Since I learned long ago to stay far from my DNA collection of eccentrics, I did not know my aunt or her daughter that well, so I just heard the story and don't know the particulars leading up to it. Still...

    Hey, we can't pick 'em for our grown kids and if we don't like them or they don't like us it DOES affect our closeness and we are powerless to change it. Sorry you have to go through that, but it is your daughter's choice too to stay with him. My son's choice to stay with his ex for so long was actually not that bad a thing for me. My son is difficult himself so our low contact years were tolerable. He has moved a few states away now and stuck there, because of his son, so I really don't know my grandson other than Skyping him, but that's ok. I have a granddaughter that rocks my world and other nice kids and life is what it is. You have to grow your own rose garden, know what I mean?

    Meanwhile, now my son calls me every single day and I believe him this time when he says that if he ever gets married again, the woman will have to respect his family. He's a bit of a slow learner in some areas. As rotten as he can be at times, he didn't like her family either and he never disrespected them or tried to deprive them of their grandson. Of course, she was the one calling all the shots, but he let her (shrug). Now he really wants me to keep visiting so I can get to know GS and I can't afford to keep traveling. I haven't seen either of them in person for three years. Oh, well.
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2015
  14. gjax58

    gjax58 New Member

    Well hun he said that at the time that I told him my daughter cheated on him, so she was just as mad at me for doing so, so I think at that time he could have put a knife through me and she wouldn't have cared.....I'm glad your son smartened up in that area, meaning that he wont let ANYONE disrespect his family again....I believe that things happen for a reason and only God knows the reason. I'm sorry that you haven't seen your GK in awhile, thank goodness for Skype :)....do you want to hear about my son now lol
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, my son is 37 and learned that his family would not be so quick to embrace him for coming back after so many years of hiding behind his abusive ex. Plus both of us have really been helpful to him since he has been divorced. I wonder if he'll remember this promise if he gets married again.

    I don't mind the Skyping being main contact to GS. In this mobile world, our kids don't always choose to live next door to us. Lots of grandmas are in my situation and long ago I decided not to live my life only to see my children and grandchidlren. I decided to have a life of my own so that I'm happy with myself and not always expecting my grown kids and grands to fill up my days. It's worked out well for me.
  16. gjax58

    gjax58 New Member

    Well fingers crossed that he will remember if/when he marries again.....3 of my Grandkids live 2 states away so YES skyping with them is the next best thing :)...I hear you about not expecting your kids GK to make you happy, I feel the same way, YET to me my family is EVERYTHING and I do enjoy their company when I can. My daughter is 36, 37 in April and I hope that before I leave this world we can all just get along. I mean is that to much to ask lol
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In some cases it is, lol.
  18. gjax58

    gjax58 New Member

    I suppose so then lol....BUT, worth a try :)