Why is it so hard for husband to play with the kids?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by JJJ, Dec 27, 2008.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    It is so frustrating!!! I'm laid up with torn ligaments in my knee. I slept downstairs because it hurts too much to climb the stairs. Tigger was up at 6am and downstairs with me. By 7:30am, all 3 children were with me. I supervised them getting breakfast, taking medications, and taking turns on Wii & Webkinz. I read them 3 chapters of the book we are reading over break. At 10am, husband walks downstairs and out the door to go get himself coffee and go to the hardware store. That took an hour. He then spent the next hour puttering around the garage. At noon, he came in and went up to our room for 5 hours to watch tv. He just came down in time to drive Piglet to practice (after telling her to have me feed her dinner because he wasn't going to) and despite both boys all but begging to go with he refused and said that if they were going I had to get up and drive them because he wasn't taking them. It is bad enough when outsiders hurt our children by not wanting to be with them. How do I protect them from their own father?:sad-very:
  2. ML

    ML Guest

    I am so sorry. I came on to vent about my own husband but won't hijack your thread. I just think some men are very spoiled and self centered. Actually I think most men are that way (keep in mind I'm angry at men right now).

    I think you should go away for a couple of days to take care of yourself and force him to take over for a while.


  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I like the idea of you going to visit someone to pamper you while you heal.

    I think I'd be having a serious talk with any man who treated my kids the way yours is treating his own. There really is no excuse.

    I'm sorry he's being such a jerk.
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Doesn't sound like he wants to be a dad. It's not hard. He just doesn't want to play or even parent.
    It's sad for the kids and pretty disrespectful to you.
  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Seriously, what entitles these men to even ASSume that we would be OK with being our kids everything and only thing.
    Makes me furious.:mad:
    Excessive entitlement -

    The only thing you can do here, is refuse. Put your foot down, and tell him
    "no more".
    You will not be the be all, end all, to these kids. That is just ridiculous, and unrealistic.

    I am so sorry.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    my friend, a really good friend of mine complains of this all the time to me. she struggles with her husband constantly. He loves his children, so it is not him not wanting to be a father it is him being selfish, and to be a parent as we know one cannot be selfish. The two just dont mix well.

    I know your mad and to boot probably hurting. yet i think you should sit him down and talk to him about the level of selfishness he is displaying and also not helping and supporting you right now when you need him.

    (((Hugs))) i hope you are able to find common ground and drive the point home to him that he needs to be an active participant. men can be rough. not all, yet alot i've found.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I wish I knew. Useless Boy doesn't return Miss KT's calls, won't spend time with her...I really don't understand it.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    husband never did. No matter how much the kids asked, no matter how much I asked, demanded, or we talked about it. Never.

    I warned him that it would affect his relationship with the kids. He either didn't care or didn't listen. (most likely both)

    And today, now that they are all grown....They barely tolerate their Dad. They have no respect for him. Nor do they have a relationship with him. They tolerate him only because we're still married and living together. They show him respect only because I expect it of them.

    It's pathetic. :(

    Eventually....you'll figure out you can't protect them from husband's lack of interest and you'll stop trying. Because honestly, you can't. And if you can't get husband's attention....odds are he's going to find himself in the same position as my husband once his kids are grown. Kids, even young ones, aren't stupid.

    And you know what? It doesn't stop there. husband does the same thing with the grands. Then he wonders why they don't want anything to do with him. sheesh

  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    husband isn't always like this. I think that is what gets me so mad. If he was never interested in parenting the kids, I could adjust and make plans on those lines. Sometimes he enjoys being with them so it is always a surprise when he rejects them, there is no consistency to his on-again/off-again attitude. He has done some great things (i.e. my cousin was in a Broadway show and for Christmas a few years ago he and my brother in law sent my sister and I to NY to see her -- for 4 days!!!-- he took off work and was a full time dad that week) and then he refuses to feed the kids dinner while I'm cleaning the house.

    Last night I snapped at him (in front of the boys, something I try not to do). Something must have sunk in because this morning, he asked both boys to go with him to Piglet's practice. I think he is struggling with depression but he won't see a doctor.

    It just hurts to see the hurt on their faces.
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    that's a whole other issue. wow i can relate on this one, that was my ex husband. he would at times be great with the kids yet at other times be totally disengaged and just kind of down and moping, etc.

    hate to say it yet that was one of the reasons for the split. i figured if i have to handle the kids alone, and be the main person 24/7 wha'Tourette's Syndrome the point?? i saw no sense in it. my resentment grew also from his lack of consistencey and also his lack of effort.

    You shoudl talk to him, i don't know the dynamics of the relationship yet you have to keep on talking thru it. thing is when you have kids it's like your almost not allowed to break down. we can take our mental breaks from time to time yet their eyes are always watching how we handle our lives, gotta love that :) and they learn from us.

    see if offering to help him or even go to therapy with him helps somewhat. maybe with you by his side he wont be afraid. I tend to view it like a big ball of wax sort of thing, your a unit and have to work together the best you can. yes he should be there for you right now, yet if you know his nature is to be giving etc. and this is more of a rare behavior maybe extending your hand in this situation will assist somewhat???

    just some thoughts.....
  11. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Can you ask him point-blank about his behavior? Sometimes addressing things head-on can open their eyes. I know my husband is not the most self-aware person on the planet. When I've pointed out my observations of how his behavior affects others, he is usually quite suprised and will try to make amends and change as best he can. It can open the door to conversation about what might be driving his behavior too. In our case, husband is often overwhelmed by stressors and his coping mechanisms are destructive to his relationships. Getting him to talk after acknowledging the damage done is the next step, followed by action on his part to change. Which in his case, means medications and a visit to psychiatrist. It's taken a long time to get here, but I have to say that stating the obvious was what mine needed.
  12. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am sorry.
    I wouldn't be putting up with that. I tolerate the in-laws and some other bad behaviours.
    But husband puts in overtime with the kids.
    I hate that mentality that it is the woman's job to *do the parenting* that is just BS!
    I think this is one of the reasons I have issues with the in-laws.
    We are equals, husband and I. I cook, clean and all of that stuff... but the kids, that is something we both created and we both owe them equal attention. The kids deserve it and so do we.
    And you are in PAIN!!! You need to heal!!!
    I would run away... That just hoovers, I hope you are not doing more damage.
  13. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I hope you got some rest.