Why is it such a hard concept?

[susiestar]

I completely agree with DF's comments on a child's self esteem. I remember when our schools first put self esteem training in. First of, WTF??? why is that even needed?? Wiz was about a year old then. My parents' neighbor is the best mom I know, and I felt blessed to know her and her kids and husband. She was also Wiz' sitter when I was in college because his immune system couldn't handle being in a setting with other little kids. Her oldest has the most confidence and best self esteem of any child I ever knew. Always did - totally amazing young woman. She was in first grade and I remember her mother saying that all the self esteem stuff was nice, but not every child NEEDS more self esteem! Talk about true!

One of my aunts refused to allow anyone to say no to her son. He was to be redirected. Period. She didn;t want to "stifle his creativity". I will NEVER forget my mother looking her in the eye and saying that ALL children can benefit from a bit of "stifling". The next week her darling son used sharpies to redecorate the walls, furniture, and everything in her closet!!! My mother then asked her if she still thought that his creativity should be left "unstifled" - mom had a smile of course, but my aunt got really mad. THEN she told me it was "all" the neighborhood kids' faults. They taught him bad things!!! He was 2 or 3 and these kids were not even around - the ones she blamed it on were out of town with their parents for summer vacation!!!

I HATE hearing that if we had just done this or that to boost Wiz' self esteem he wouldn't have done whatever it was. WIZ hates hearing that too! Says that it is a crock of doodoo, and all the praise for stuff he messed up made him feel like he really wasn't capable of doing any better.

 

[AnnieO]

I agree with everything that's been said.

I do want to add, from a step-parent's point of view... We also are looked upon as responsible for behavior, yet we have absolutely no legal rights. Even to take one of the kids to the doctor, I must present a copy of the POA that husband made for me. Now, when I pick them up from school, no worries 'cause I share their last name - even though the schools know there is a divorce. But since I use their insurance card that is under their stepfather's name, ... Now extrapolate that into the real world. At one point, I called the cops on Onyxx. husband was waffly, but he stood firm when they arrived. They asked me what I wanted. I told them flat out I did not want her in my home. They then asked the magic question - can she go to her mother's? husband said no... And gave a brief explanation why... So they released her back to us. I have no say. (In fact, husband wasn't on the same page at that time...) I take her to court because husband cannot get there - still, no say. I go to court as the victim - and have no say. WHAT?!

I know Onyxx needs help. I know in my heart, in my Mommy gut, that she needs FAR MORE HELP than she is getting. But my hands are tied.

Susie... I never considered going to a DV place for help, after I called the county DV department regarding a CPO - just for me - against BM (at the time she was harassing me in person and on the phone). She told me, "You knew what you were getting into when you married him." (Um, actually, it's a half-joke between me and husband that if I had known, I'd have run screaming!)

But all of you are correct - if our husband was the abuser, take the kids and leave - and to be honest, I say this the way I do because if men are abused, they're expected to hoover it up and be a man - but when a child is abusive, all we have is the "unruly" designation - and really? That's bovine manure. And we all know it.

 

[Bunny]

"You knew what you were getting into when you married him." (Um, actually, it's a half-joke between me and husband that if I had known, I'd have run screaming!)

Wow!! I think that's a load of garbage. You knew what you were getting in to? That does not mean that BM has the right to harrass you. What if she had done you physical harm? Or had done something in front of her kids?

Pam

 

[AnnieO]

Or had done something in front of her kids?

Ummm... She DID do a lot of that IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. In fact, she had the kids call MY CELL PHONE to demand money.

Regardless, they would do nothing. So now... Maybe.

 

[slsh]

I actually asked the village police this once when thank you was about 8. They had been called up to school because thank you was wigging out and had assaulted the principal. I was begging them to arrest him, because we were already well entrenched in the hospitalization revolving door thing. I asked if thank you was going to have to kill someone first, because obviously injuring someone wasn't going to get them to file a report, and that if he were my husband, not my son, he'd be on the ground and cuffed in a heartbeat. The officer looked at me like I was out of my mind. thank you then promptly kicked the officer in the shins and took off.

He of course had chilled out by the time EMS got him to the hospital, and the hospital declined to admit him. It probably was the only time I actually completely went off on someone regarding thank you - at the time, I had a technicolor dinner-plate-sized bruise on my breast (was still nursing Diva at the time - indescribable pain) from thank you launching a shoe at me because I had the nerve to tell him to wash his hands after using the bathroom. I pulled my shirt up, bra down, and asked her if she thought leaving marks like that on another person might possibly qualify him as a danger to others?? Nope.

It's always baffled me that if my husband laid a hand on me once, not only would he be arrested, but I'd be perfectly within my rights to walk away. But because thank you was my child, not only was I not entitled to protection from any entity, I was forced to continue to house my abuser.

Our local hospital instituted a program around that time where every single patient in the ER was asked if there was abuse going on in the home. Boo's seizures were fairly uncontrolled at that time, so we were frequent visitors. I answered "yes" every darn time, but once they heard that a child was doing the abusing, we were left once again out in the cold.

I look back at the time in our lives and I'm extremely thankful that no one was seriously physically hurt. I mean, really - what was I thinking, cornering my kid who was waving a butcher knife at me and then disarming him? I think by that time I had gotten the message loud and clear that the very best I could hope for was a couple-day admission (if we were lucky, and if we still had inpatient MH days left), only to have to bring him home again. No meaningful treatment, no support, nada.

 

[timer lady]

I think it's all been said ~ I've been (un)lucky in that wm was, indeed, placed out of the house for the rest of my family's safety. It wasn't a safe or easy journey. The team involved knew it would have been easier to place kt outside of my home however they finally recognized the risk toward me. I'm blessed with the team I have in place for the tweedles.