Why or why???

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by everywoman, Apr 1, 2010.

  1. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Okay---I hope this comes out right---I really need some advice but it is really for Jana.

    She and boyfriend of 10 months broke up last weekend. She is a little firecracker, he is very, very traditional. Although husband and I really liked him, and are saddened that it didn't work out, it obviously was not a good match for her, and we know she is doing what she needs to do. She has been raised by me, and she is as strong and independent as I am. She has also grown up with a difficult child for a brother and a father who is/has been an addict for most of her life, and is now in semi-recovery. She is not going to put up with anyone who is controlling, and it is becoming more and more obvious since the break-up that exbf is very controlling.

    She has not answered a text or a phone call since Sunday---she is still receiving multiple texts and voice messages daily. He has messaged me, called her dad, called her co-worker, and today stopped by her office get a quote for insurance on a house he is "thinking " of buying. She doesn't know what to do to get him to leave her alone.

    Jana is a paradox. She is opinionated, but she doesn't like confrontation. She is a brat---and likes to have her way----only girl and has always been treated like a princess by husband and I, but is also very giving and loving. She can be very hateful at times, especially when she has had enough, and will tell someone exactly what she thinks, but hates to hurt anyone's feelings. In fact, boyfriend broke up with her, but I know her well enough to know that she manipulated him to do it by her words and actions, so she wouldn't be the bad guy in the breakup.

    And, please tell me...is this the norm after a breakup? Every single guy she has ever dated seriously has done this exact same thing with her. Is it the guys she's choosing---I can't imagine that every single one of them were so attached that when the relationship was obviously over they couldn't let go, but that is what it seems to be...and although I love her and think she is adorable, she is just your average, everyday kind of girl.....What could she be doing to make a guy behave this way? Or is this normal for guys?
  2. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Wow....well first of all, good for her for doing what's right for her, however passive agressive it is. LOL

    My first thought, even if HE was the one who broke it off, is that he's still trying to control things. What kinds of things is he saying in the texts and messages? If he's saying he's sorry and that he wants to try again, then she really needs to answer him at least once so there has been a clear and concise communication that she's not interested. Then if he continues, maybe she could lodge a complaint (but not press charges) and the police could communicate that it's time for him to stop. And obviously if THAT doesn't do it, she would need to take further steps.

    Then again, like you said, what IS she doing? I'm not saying at all that she's bringing this on herself but is she saying anything to mutual friends that would encourage him if it got back to him or send mixed signals?

    Beyond that? No clue. It's been waaaay too long since I have been involved in a break up and I was never sure how to handle things either so I don't know how much help I'm being. Hugs to her and you though.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    My guess (and that's all it is because I don't know any of the parties involved, much less what they are thinking) is that because she does have a personality like that, the boyfriends aren't sure if she really wants to split up and have it stick or not so they are giving it some time to know for sure before cutting all ties and moving on.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    This is the problem with using passive aggressive behavior to cause someone to do what you want so you don't have confrontation. It would be a good idea to point this out to her if you get a chance, sort of an FYI thing.

    Exbf obviously didn't want to break up. Jana wanted to and manipulated the situation so that exbf was pushed into doing something he wouldn't have otherwise considered because he wasn't at that point himself. So when he cooled down and had a chance to think........he's going OMG what did I just do?? And so is trying to fix what he sees as this huge mistake he's just made and is doing all he can to get back the woman he loves. And because he believes he is the one who did it all, he is having trouble getting the message that Jana is done.

    Most likely if she has a pattern of using this method to dump guys she no longer wants to be with.........this is why they have trouble letting go. If she'd chose to confront him and discuss how she felt, he'd know up front and most likely wouldn't bother continuing to pursue her whether he was at the same point himself or not because he'd know it was futile.
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I would say this is "normal" for guys...

    After being dumped...or after an argument resulting in a breakup...many guys will try and do something really big to try and win the girl back.

    Buying fancy jewely, marriage proposals, buying a house....yep, sounds about right.

    Stay strong. This too shall pass...
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, I think it is normal for anyone that wants an ended relationship back. She should just be patient. Give him time to process. He can not move on yet. It takes time to accept the end is real.
    After a week or two she should answer the phone and tell him she needs him to stop calling and texting. For him and her.
    He may need a few conversations with her to get his closure. She should be willing to do this for him to help him.

    When DF & I split a few years ago, the hardest thing was to not call him. It was part of my routine to speak to him every day. It really was difficult to stop that.
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Okay ladies----I so misunderstood----I doubted my daughter---and while she is everything I said, she did not push for the breakup. It was all his doing. She and I finally had a chance to sit and talk, I do not see any passive/agressive stuff on her side. She is still young---only 20. She is in many ways sheltered, although she has a lot of life experiences---she graduated from hs at 16, has gone to college, joined the military, works fulltime and still attends college fulltime----she is still very innocent to the world. EX was apparently very jealous-----husband and I have a unique relationship---we are in all ways equal----and he told her that was not normal. His parents are opposite of husband and I. His mom is very subservient----I have never fixed husband's plate of dinner and carried it to him (unless he was sick and in the bed). His mom does that every night. Princess was unwilling to be that kind of girl.
  8. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Good for her!!!!
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    THAT'S MY GIRL..........GIT ER DONE! (I'm sorry for the break up, hope you learned something from the relationship and absolutely know that as a GRITS girl ya'll gonna be jus fine.)

    There are too many other men out there in the world that will absolutely treat her like the Princess she is and find her sexy for her brains for her to EVER EVER EVER have to put up with the kind of ka ka he's dishing out.

    Oh and this business of him calling and calling and calling - Goes a long way to saying "Gosh I'm really immature." Don't you think?

    Auntie Star*