BackintheSaddle
Active Member
I just signed on because I got another letter from my horrible father!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why so numb?
- Thread starter BackintheSaddle
- Start date
BackintheSaddle
Active Member
remember, he sent me one about V-day that was just nasty- blaming me for all the problems he's had since I was born even though the real truth is he was a drunk and is now just a dry drunk...I'm not opening it, just like you guys told me but I think I'm going to reply...I've not taken the opportunity to let any of them have it...I looked up domestic violence laws in my state and I can get a restraining order against that old man...so I wrote on the envelope 'return to sender' and then decided to mail it back to him in an envelope with a 1-page letter that tells him:
1- I'm done with him, he's disinherited me twice now so he needs to just leave me alone
2- he doesn't have the right to say the things he does to me
3- do not contact me again and if you do, I'm going to get a restraining order
4- I even put on there that on the day that my son attacked me and I called 911, my 'father' came to get him...he didn't walk up to me to see if I was ok, he wouldn't even look at me (he was pissed I dared call 911 on his blessed grandson)...the officer couldn't believe that MY father was acting like that...he never once showed ANY concern for me, my well-being...nothing...I'm SO DONE WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
needless to say, the numbness is gone! I am in touch with my anger, that's for sure!...I've had a hard week, actually...went to work each day but it's so hard to be around people and have my 'mask' on that everything is fine (most have no clue my son isn't even living at home)...it's exhausting...I haven't been posting because when I get home, I just want to feel numb again (!)...;-)....so I watch TV or keep working, something to make it stop....I can't believe I was raised by those peole and that horrible man is teaching my son to act just like him...anyhow, you guys are so awesome to reach out today....right when I got home to get that GD letter....
1- I'm done with him, he's disinherited me twice now so he needs to just leave me alone
2- he doesn't have the right to say the things he does to me
3- do not contact me again and if you do, I'm going to get a restraining order
4- I even put on there that on the day that my son attacked me and I called 911, my 'father' came to get him...he didn't walk up to me to see if I was ok, he wouldn't even look at me (he was pissed I dared call 911 on his blessed grandson)...the officer couldn't believe that MY father was acting like that...he never once showed ANY concern for me, my well-being...nothing...I'm SO DONE WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
needless to say, the numbness is gone! I am in touch with my anger, that's for sure!...I've had a hard week, actually...went to work each day but it's so hard to be around people and have my 'mask' on that everything is fine (most have no clue my son isn't even living at home)...it's exhausting...I haven't been posting because when I get home, I just want to feel numb again (!)...;-)....so I watch TV or keep working, something to make it stop....I can't believe I was raised by those peole and that horrible man is teaching my son to act just like him...anyhow, you guys are so awesome to reach out today....right when I got home to get that GD letter....
Wow. Talk about coming back full force..........you go girl!!!
I am so so glad you didn't open that toxic letter and I love what you wrote in your note........put the blame where it belongs..........you did not accept the blame, you refused it and turned it around and sent it right on back to sender. Perfect. That speaks volumes. Let them all cook in their toxic soup now. Geez.
You did a very powerful thing today BITS, you stopped the abuse, you said a resounding NO, AND, you spoke YOUR truth. I think this calls for a celebration, something that will mark the occasion where you freed yourself from the grips of the old and made a profound statement about who you are with a distinct line in the sand. Go out to dinner, have champagne, find some way to ritualize it for yourself, I like to do those kinds of things, to hold the space for a moment to define it in my memory........an important moment in the development of your self love...........honoring your SELF............
Are you feeling empowered? Do you feel stronger? Do you feel somehow "cleaner" emotionally?
I am very happy to hear this BITS. Great job!
I am so so glad you didn't open that toxic letter and I love what you wrote in your note........put the blame where it belongs..........you did not accept the blame, you refused it and turned it around and sent it right on back to sender. Perfect. That speaks volumes. Let them all cook in their toxic soup now. Geez.
You did a very powerful thing today BITS, you stopped the abuse, you said a resounding NO, AND, you spoke YOUR truth. I think this calls for a celebration, something that will mark the occasion where you freed yourself from the grips of the old and made a profound statement about who you are with a distinct line in the sand. Go out to dinner, have champagne, find some way to ritualize it for yourself, I like to do those kinds of things, to hold the space for a moment to define it in my memory........an important moment in the development of your self love...........honoring your SELF............
Are you feeling empowered? Do you feel stronger? Do you feel somehow "cleaner" emotionally?
I am very happy to hear this BITS. Great job!
BackintheSaddle
Active Member
actually, I'm sobbing uncontrollably....
Oh BITS, I am sorry. I can see how you would be responding like that, it's a big step. My heart goes out to you.
You may have noticed our rather large wagon circling around here..............so we are ALL here for you, wrapping our collective cyber arms around you. I sure know how you must be feeling.............I've dealt with my own bio family dysfunctions............and I know others here can understand as well. We're here BITS..............
You may have noticed our rather large wagon circling around here..............so we are ALL here for you, wrapping our collective cyber arms around you. I sure know how you must be feeling.............I've dealt with my own bio family dysfunctions............and I know others here can understand as well. We're here BITS..............
SeekingStrength
Well-Known Member
BITS, honey...You did the right thing. Please do not be sad for long. I am SO happy you kept yourself in the driver's seat.
You are a good person. Please keep your path AWAY from this toxic mess. It WILL get better. Do not lower yourself to your dad's horribleness.
You are a good person. Please keep your path AWAY from this toxic mess. It WILL get better. Do not lower yourself to your dad's horribleness.
BackintheSaddle
Active Member
I admire you guys so much...I don't know how you've done it...I just don't know how to get past this
I just saw this BITS and thought of you (and me and a few others here)
It hurts when we realize that we were not loved in the way we deserved to be...........and it also will be empowering when you come out of the grief part and realize that you are free of that illusion now. As a friend of mine used to say, you just had an "illusionectomy." It hurts. Your heart will mend and it will be stronger and with the compassion you are developing for yourself, you will be able to offer that to others too.
You'll get past this as each of us here has......one step, sometimes one agonizing step after another, moment to moment until one day, you feel okay. It takes time. Stay in our circle of wagons BITS, we're all healing together.............you're not alone.
It hurts when we realize that we were not loved in the way we deserved to be...........and it also will be empowering when you come out of the grief part and realize that you are free of that illusion now. As a friend of mine used to say, you just had an "illusionectomy." It hurts. Your heart will mend and it will be stronger and with the compassion you are developing for yourself, you will be able to offer that to others too.
You'll get past this as each of us here has......one step, sometimes one agonizing step after another, moment to moment until one day, you feel okay. It takes time. Stay in our circle of wagons BITS, we're all healing together.............you're not alone.
BackintheSaddle
Active Member
After I put return letter to father in mailbox, I sent email to difficult child...I got to worrying about the impact on him when my father gets that letter...I poured my heart out in him, telling him how I know tihs puts him in the middle...that his grandfather wants him to choose between us, and I'm hoping with time he'll come to realize and remember what a good mom I was and am to him...I told him that even though I'm 'shutting the door' to my parents, I'll always be here for him when he's ready...that I don't know what to do with regard to him...if he wants me to not contact him (I've been checking in about once a week), I'll do that but that I worry about him in that setting and hope he's handling it ok...it was a letter of me trying to remind him of his Mom, not the person my father has been trying to convince him that I am...I don't know if he'll reply but it made me feel better to give him the 'heads up' that that letter is coming and his grandfather will be upset when he gets it...I apologized for my part of the conflict he's in the middle of and tried to convey love the best way I know how...maybe I shouldn't have sent it but I know in every situation like this, all parties make mistakes to get to this point and I wanted to apologize for my part but explain why I believe it's important for me to separate myself from my parents...this seems like an impossible situation for my difficult child...he can't come home and if he stays with them, he'll only get worse...I hate he's in that position but not willing to let him back in the house either
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
BITS, those are tears of rage and shame and healing.
This is your Independence Day.
There is a song about this.
I will find and post it for you if I can.
Go ahead and rage and cry and scream. I always chose to scream into and pound on a pillow ~ it helps to really get down to the bottom of things.
No one gets where you are today without fighting for it, BITS. If your process is similar to mine, you will begin to see other parts of what has been happening all your life more clearly. It's scary to think that we could defy the authority figures, those people who traumatized us before we knew how to defend ourselves. When we do what you are doing now, we face every speck of condemnation, every contemptuous look, every nasty, cutting label.
And we face them down.
Layer by layer BITS, you will come to possess yourself, now.
Everything in your life will begin to change, brighten, clarify.
As Recovering posted BITS, this day is a celebration, a day of new birth, and should be marked as such. Whether you celebrate it by going out or by staying in BITS, today is the day you begin reclaiming your concept of self.
From today on, you will be defining yourself.
Eventually, as you fight through the layers of toxicity, your father will hold no power over you, at all.
When that happens, you will be so surprised to see what he really looks like, who he really is.
When this happened to me, I went through days of feeling the old, toxic feelings. Then, I would be stronger than I was before it happened. I realized I was releasing what I was strong enough to bear of my own past, BITS. I can't tell you how helpless, how angry it made me to understand the nature of how I'd been hurt, to face up to the effects of that hurt in my life.
But once I did it, as I continue to do it, I am free.
I am proud of you. This is not an easy thing. But it is a worthwhile thing.
******
Mother your son with what is in your heart, BITS. There will come a time, and I don't think it will be long now, when you will begin looking at your son differently, too.
I never stopped loving my kids? But I shock myself silly seeing what it is they have really been up to, all these years when I thought they were helpless victims.
I am so proud and happy for you.
Brene Brown works with healing shame. She describes riding the edge of negative emotions. Not being overwhelmed by them, not seeking escape from them, but seeking them out, staying right on that growing edge, where we can see the truth of what is happening.
If you google her, you will find her on YouTube.
Cedar
Good morning BITS. I hope you are feeling a little bit better today.
I think if I were in your shoes I might have contacted my difficult child too........from my way of seeing things, the truth is always the best option and that's what you did. In your communication with your son, you told him all the important things, how much you love him, how you will always be there and you essentially removed him from the middle of this mess your Dad has created by removing yourself. Without you taking on the blame from your father, he will have to expend that energy somewhere else. It may take awhile, but your son may now, without you there as the recipient of your father's bullying, be able to really see who his grandfather is.
I think by you taking yourself out of this mess and telling your son of your love for him and then stepping out of the whole thing by detaching from all of them.............you give your son the opportunity to see the truth for himself.
I think I told you about how my granddaughter went to her other (very toxic) grandmothers for a year. I let go (reluctantly and with trepidation) because my granddaughter had a very slanted view of her other grandmother who fostered that view by wearing a mask of normalcy which hid a very messed up woman who used all her grandchildren as pawns in her power hungry game. After the honeymoon phase ended, the truth began to surface. Granddaughter had to see it for herself, I could not force her to see beyond the mask of normalcy. It was a very powerful realization for my granddaughter. Your son may wake up to the truth too. And, of course, he may not, which is where YOUR detachment comes in. That's where to put your focus now, on YOU.
Give yourself some time to heal from this split you just made with your father. As the dust settles, as you grieve for what is gone, as you let go of the illusion of hope that it will change........you will feel better, it's just a matter of time. And, we're here for you. Be very kind to yourself, do very nourishing things for yourself.........
I think if I were in your shoes I might have contacted my difficult child too........from my way of seeing things, the truth is always the best option and that's what you did. In your communication with your son, you told him all the important things, how much you love him, how you will always be there and you essentially removed him from the middle of this mess your Dad has created by removing yourself. Without you taking on the blame from your father, he will have to expend that energy somewhere else. It may take awhile, but your son may now, without you there as the recipient of your father's bullying, be able to really see who his grandfather is.
I think by you taking yourself out of this mess and telling your son of your love for him and then stepping out of the whole thing by detaching from all of them.............you give your son the opportunity to see the truth for himself.
I think I told you about how my granddaughter went to her other (very toxic) grandmothers for a year. I let go (reluctantly and with trepidation) because my granddaughter had a very slanted view of her other grandmother who fostered that view by wearing a mask of normalcy which hid a very messed up woman who used all her grandchildren as pawns in her power hungry game. After the honeymoon phase ended, the truth began to surface. Granddaughter had to see it for herself, I could not force her to see beyond the mask of normalcy. It was a very powerful realization for my granddaughter. Your son may wake up to the truth too. And, of course, he may not, which is where YOUR detachment comes in. That's where to put your focus now, on YOU.
Give yourself some time to heal from this split you just made with your father. As the dust settles, as you grieve for what is gone, as you let go of the illusion of hope that it will change........you will feel better, it's just a matter of time. And, we're here for you. Be very kind to yourself, do very nourishing things for yourself.........
Childofmine
one day at a time
I hope RE won't mind that I got these lyrics for all of us---great song to download by Martina McBride. When I was going through my divorce from my ex---(alcoholic now in recovery)---I put this on my ipod and would run to it with tears streaming down my face---grateful but so sad that it had to come to that. Great song!
"Independence Day"
Well she seemed all right by dawns early light
Though she looked a little worried and weak
She tried to pretend he wasn't drinkin' again
But daddy left the proof on her cheek
And I was only eight years old that summer
And I always seemed to be in the way
So I took myself down to the fair in town
On Independence Day
Well word gets around in a small, small town
They said he was a dangerous man
But mama was proud and she stood her ground
She knew she was on the losin' end
Some folks whispered and some folks talked
But everybody looked the other way
And when time ran out there was no one about
On Independence Day
Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay it's Independence Day
Well she lit up the sky that fourth of July
By the time that the firemen come
They just put out the flames, and took down some names
And sent me to the county home
Now I ain't sayin' it's right or it's wrong
But maybe it's the only way
Talk about your revolution
It's Independence Day
Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay it's Independence Day
Roll the stone away
It's Independence day
BITS---you are moving forward! This is what it looks like. It's so hard and so sad and so mad and so scary and so helpless and numb and slowly, slowly, slowly (like turning the Titantic, oh so slowly) those days and moments and hours are fewer and in comes some relief then more numbness then more grief, then some rays of sunshine, and more relief, and back to numb and sad and lots of tears and in the center of yourself, you will start to notice a kernel of peace, then Peace. Contentment. Serenity. Gratitude. And you will circle back around and back around and cycle and cycle, but through it all you are getting stronger. You are counting more---to YOU. You will start getting more energy. You will start thinking more about the future and feeling like it is brighter. You will think about doing something for somebody else. You will be able to turn it over to God, just for this moment, for this hour, for this day.
BITS, you are DOING IT! I see you doing it.
You just disinherited him!!!! Yay! What a position of strength, BITS.
This is a hard, hard road. I have never heard of a harder road. But there is lots of fruit on this road. The fruit trees are loaded and all we have to do is reach up and grab a big red apple and take a big bite of it. There is much to be gained here.
The other road, the road of enabling, bears no fruit. Not for us. Not for them. It is another kind of hard.
This is the only road that makes any sense, BITS. On this road, you have a chance at peace, and your difficult child has a chance at peace.
If you dad wants to be mean and bitter and punitive and sick all of his life, okay. Be that way you miserable old man. But BITS, you don't have to be a part of it.
You are taking such powerful good hard steps, BITS. We are here for you. Right now, please get all of the help and support you can and keep moving forward.
We are with you!
"Independence Day"
Well she seemed all right by dawns early light
Though she looked a little worried and weak
She tried to pretend he wasn't drinkin' again
But daddy left the proof on her cheek
And I was only eight years old that summer
And I always seemed to be in the way
So I took myself down to the fair in town
On Independence Day
Well word gets around in a small, small town
They said he was a dangerous man
But mama was proud and she stood her ground
She knew she was on the losin' end
Some folks whispered and some folks talked
But everybody looked the other way
And when time ran out there was no one about
On Independence Day
Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay it's Independence Day
Well she lit up the sky that fourth of July
By the time that the firemen come
They just put out the flames, and took down some names
And sent me to the county home
Now I ain't sayin' it's right or it's wrong
But maybe it's the only way
Talk about your revolution
It's Independence Day
Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay it's Independence Day
Roll the stone away
It's Independence day
BITS---you are moving forward! This is what it looks like. It's so hard and so sad and so mad and so scary and so helpless and numb and slowly, slowly, slowly (like turning the Titantic, oh so slowly) those days and moments and hours are fewer and in comes some relief then more numbness then more grief, then some rays of sunshine, and more relief, and back to numb and sad and lots of tears and in the center of yourself, you will start to notice a kernel of peace, then Peace. Contentment. Serenity. Gratitude. And you will circle back around and back around and cycle and cycle, but through it all you are getting stronger. You are counting more---to YOU. You will start getting more energy. You will start thinking more about the future and feeling like it is brighter. You will think about doing something for somebody else. You will be able to turn it over to God, just for this moment, for this hour, for this day.
BITS, you are DOING IT! I see you doing it.
You just disinherited him!!!! Yay! What a position of strength, BITS.
This is a hard, hard road. I have never heard of a harder road. But there is lots of fruit on this road. The fruit trees are loaded and all we have to do is reach up and grab a big red apple and take a big bite of it. There is much to be gained here.
The other road, the road of enabling, bears no fruit. Not for us. Not for them. It is another kind of hard.
This is the only road that makes any sense, BITS. On this road, you have a chance at peace, and your difficult child has a chance at peace.
If you dad wants to be mean and bitter and punitive and sick all of his life, okay. Be that way you miserable old man. But BITS, you don't have to be a part of it.
You are taking such powerful good hard steps, BITS. We are here for you. Right now, please get all of the help and support you can and keep moving forward.
We are with you!
Childofmine
one day at a time
Whoops, Cedar it was your great idea about Independence Day!
Let's all dance and sing it in our kitchens and living rooms today! It can be our healing song...
Let's all dance and sing it in our kitchens and living rooms today! It can be our healing song...
BackintheSaddle
Active Member
good morning all-- I've spent the morning doing the things you suggest in this thread...I've never listened to Brene Brown, hadn't heard of her, and omg, what a nice thing to watch on a morning like this!...I watched the video of her talks on both shame and vulnerability...going to look for her book now...I also watched the video of Martina's song and had never listened or understood the words well enough to know what it was about (just always sang along to the chorus!)....thanks for all that...during the course of the morning, my difficult child replied to my email via text...he wanted to know if I can meet him for breakfast on Sunday...it's be the first time we're seeing each other in about 7 weeks...through text I said I'd love to c him but did he get my email I sent last night and was still willing to meet me and he said 'yes'....my first reaction was a renewed sense of hope-- 'wow, maybe he's seeing his grandfather for who he really is now that he's lived there more than 2 months'....otherwise, why would he be so anxious to see me?...(in the past, he usually has agreed to see me but it's a week or so from the time we're communicating)...but I also have a healthy dose of scepticism...what if he is seeing his grandfather for who he is, can't stand it there anymore, and wants to move back home?...then what...I would want to help him get away from that horrid old man but not to my home...not without treatment and some real change first...
anyhow, never a dull moment!...I'm going out to lunch with my husband now (even though my eyes are nearly swollen shut!)...;-)...trying to focus on taking care of myself...that letter back to my father is in the mailbox, I'm going to keep the courage to send it...thanks so much all!
anyhow, never a dull moment!...I'm going out to lunch with my husband now (even though my eyes are nearly swollen shut!)...;-)...trying to focus on taking care of myself...that letter back to my father is in the mailbox, I'm going to keep the courage to send it...thanks so much all!
Echolette
Well-Known Member
BITS, I don't have anything to add to all the other wise and caring comments from our forum sisters. I just want you to know that I am reading along, that I understand the sobbing and shaking uncontrollably (oh wait, I was doing that yestarday!). The sobbing helps get stuff out...it helps us heal. You took a brave brave bold step. YOU will feel better than you have felt in years once you get your feet under you again.
Hugs and holding you,
Echo
Hugs and holding you,
Echo
BITS, just a teeny word of caution for you about meeting your son..........he may have something totally different in mind other then seeing his grandfather for who he is, or coming home to you. I have been disappointed in similar situations or blown out of the water with a whole new tactic. Bear in mind that your father also may be behind this. Your son may have told your father about your email and who knows what will happen next.
I guess what I'm trying to say is perhaps do as COM does, make a plan of action. Decide to be silent and simply show up and be present with no preconceived ideas of what he is wanting to see you for. Try to be as unattached to the outcome as possible while you remain silent and allow him to do all the talking. If it is something completely off the wall devise an escape route. Cover all the bases so that you arrive prepared for anything.
One piece of guidance I utilize a lot is the Native American Four Fold way for conflict resolution. Show up. Pay attention. Tell the truth. Let go of the outcome. Use it as an opportunity to refrain from the usual talking you might do, the questions, the inquiries, the need to know and figure it out. I just went through a similar thing with my difficult child and my silence was empowering for me. I was not reactive nor was I cold and indifferent, I was simply present. It's challenging to do, but at least for me, it is better then the old responses.
I hope you have a wonderful lunch with husband. Wishing you a day of peace and comfort...........
I guess what I'm trying to say is perhaps do as COM does, make a plan of action. Decide to be silent and simply show up and be present with no preconceived ideas of what he is wanting to see you for. Try to be as unattached to the outcome as possible while you remain silent and allow him to do all the talking. If it is something completely off the wall devise an escape route. Cover all the bases so that you arrive prepared for anything.
One piece of guidance I utilize a lot is the Native American Four Fold way for conflict resolution. Show up. Pay attention. Tell the truth. Let go of the outcome. Use it as an opportunity to refrain from the usual talking you might do, the questions, the inquiries, the need to know and figure it out. I just went through a similar thing with my difficult child and my silence was empowering for me. I was not reactive nor was I cold and indifferent, I was simply present. It's challenging to do, but at least for me, it is better then the old responses.
I hope you have a wonderful lunch with husband. Wishing you a day of peace and comfort...........
BackintheSaddle
Active Member
Thanks EA...you're right...I've thought of a lot of scenarios about what's the reason both for his reaching out and being anxious to talk to me...I'm more anxious now than hopeful...;-(...reality is setting in...I was going to let him meet me at the house Sunday morning because husband will be at church but have wised up...don't want to be alone with him here, not knowing she he's up to...he's made it clear from his past actions that I can't trust him not to be out to hurt me even more
