Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Abbey, Nov 4, 2009.

  1. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Why is my father in law out there weed wacking stuff in the middle of the dark? My neighbors are calling me. They're concerned as they know I'm the ONLY person who helps him. I don't have the energy to deal with him right now. I'm supposedly going to counseling for myself in an hour. Gee, what a luxury.

    As much as it breaks my heart, this family has to deal with this. Alzhemiers is a bi_tch. It's tearing my heart away. He's a good man but I can't be the person who calls the shots.

    Fast forward 10 minutes...got dad in the house. He's a happy camper. I literally took the whacker out of his hand and said he couldn't be out here after dark doing this. Then we have the long discussion of why he shouldn't be doing this. BECAUSE I SAID SO. It's exhausting.

    Sorry for venting.

  2. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Ask your counselor if there is any service in your area for Alzheimer's patients. I'm thinking maybe someone that could come out, observe father in law, objectively see where he's at and what he needs and possibly do an intervention for mother in law and H so that they GET IT.

    If something happens and it's at least partly because of their denial...they'll never forgive themselves. Or they'll bury the guilt and take it out on YOU. WHY didn't you TELL us he was this bad?? WHY didn't you try to talk to us?? Completely blocking that you HAVE and repeatedly.

    Hugs. I know you don't need this and father in law deserves to be safe.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Abbey Alzheimers is a *itch with a capitol B. Glad you were able to get him to come inside. I like Stang's ideas to see if there are some services that may be available for him and mother in law. Sounds like it's not going to be long and he's going to be awfully hard to keep under a watchful eye.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  5. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    It sounds to me like he needs to go into some sort of assisted living arrangement set up for Alzheimer's pts. Most of these places handle step-up care for pts as the disease becomes more severe.

    I don't know what his assets are, but if you consult with a private specialist in these issues, you should be able to manage his assets in such a way that he comes up eligible for Medicaid.

    You'll need that to cover the nursing home costs. Do NOT try to disperse his assets on your own. You coudl wind up in jail if you mess it up.

    The rest of his family's assets would have no bearing on this--only his personal assets come into play.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I'm sorry hon...I'm just sorry.

  7. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I am so sorry abs, it is so hard to watch the mental decline. My grandfather has dementia. He was always so sharp, so smart, and now it is so hard sometimes as he just cannot remember diddly. Hugs.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I've watched it twice in my family. It's terrible.
  9. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I can't do that to him. He's a very respected and well known man around these parts of the woods. I would be shot out of town the second I sugessted that. haha...maybe that would be good.

    Shoot...he just picked me up because my car key broke in my door as I was trying to actually have a nice dinner before counseling. Well, cancel the counseling session.

    The family is in DENIAL. And I guess I'm at my breaking point for someone I care a lot about. He's why I moved up here.

    Can I have a better day?
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Oh, boy. Family in denial makes it a thousand times worse. ((((hugs)))) I hope he doesn't have to get hurt or come up missing before they get a clue. :(
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Abbey...at some point you are not going to have a choice. Alzheimers is not pretty. It does not pick and choose based on your social status. It is not a character defect. Heavens, Ronald Reagan had it! I think he qualified as being in the socially elite.

    Your family is going to have to look into some kind of services for him. I know you are a small town but you should have an agency that serves the aging. Not sure what they call it up there but look in the phone book for something like division of aging or something like that. Call them and ask them for help with someone with alzheimers. They should be able to point you to any services in your area. I am assuming your father in law is old enough for medicare. They may pay for some help. Cant hurt to find out. If he has some money, he can pay for "sitters".

    The wandering he does around dark is called sundowning. It is so normal with this disease. My mom used to do it all the time. My boys would sleep on pallets in front of my doors. We finally made a fake picture up of a big chest of drawers to put in front of our back door so she wouldnt try to go out that door and we got child proof door knobs for the front door so she couldnt get out the front door. It really got bad in the house. We had to child proof all the kitchen cabinets and the fridge.
  12. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Abbey, this isn't something you are doing TO him; it is something you are doing FOR him.

    Alzheimer's doesn't get better and everyone with it, unless something else gets them first, will die of it.

    Doesn't it make more sense for him to have an environment where he can get 24/7 care?

    I don't think it would affect his standing in the community. Alzheimer's knows no rank or civil standing. All sorts of people get it.

    The only thing they know about it is that it can run in families. If you are still in WI, the Green Bay area/Oshkosh, does have resources available. Call social services and ask about them.

    Assisted living is not like being in a "home". In fact, my mother, who is in her seventies and sharp as a tack is thinking of going into assisted living as her arthritis makes it hard to climb stairs to her apt, and do her laundry and the like.
  13. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I guess I know that this will be the decision that will kill him. He's a true intellect and knows what is happening. I've lived with his clone long enough to know what he is going through. My H would kill himself before going through mental loss.

    He has oodles of money but I can quite assure you it will never be needed to care for him. He wouldn't have that happen. No man of such stature should need that. Blah. Broken record. Yes, Reagan hid it until his last few years but I bet he was in pain during that.

    It just stinks all around. I have researched services here. The immediate family completely objects. So now I'm in the spot of braking bad and making them face the truth. Actually, I've already done that and they don't seem to be listening.


  14. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I'm sorry Abbey. I was kind of relieved to hear that my mother had been thinking about going into assisted living once things got worse (she's got spinal stenosis that will eventually put her in a wheelchair).

    I cringe everytime I think of her walking those stairs. Last year she fell in a parking lot and shattered one forearm to the point of needing a plate and pins put in, and fractured her kneecap as well.

    She insists she tripped over the curb because she wasn't paying attention to where she was going, but...at that age, you just don't know, Know what I mean??

    When I go down for the holiday, she and i are going to rip apart and rearrange her huge 'linen closet' which is full of this n' that. She's very short and one shoulder has basically begun to freeze up due to the arthritis--she can't raise the arm over her head.

    I figure with my greater height and (comparatively) better reach, I can basically pull everything down so we can go through it, and then I'll put what she wants to keep back in the cabinet where she can reach it easily.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Abbey....I understand exactly what he feels like about the onslaught of alzheimers. I have sworn for years that I will never live long enough to get it. I never want to go through what my mom went through. It was hideous. The problem is that by the time you get bad enough that it is time to kill yourself, you dont believe you have anything wrong with yourself! Its a catch 22. Im trying to figure out if I should just pick a certain age to do myself in.

    With my family history, I have a really high chance of inheriting this. I am praying I get my fathers genes on this one though. Maybe I will get lucky. His side of the family is great.
  16. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Abbey.
  17. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I'm not frustrated at him. I'm frustrated at my extended family. Why, why, why don't they see it? Maybe it's because they don't live next door. One day is good, then the next you're coaxing him out of a tree or trying to go hunting. Insert fainting.

    I took his car keys. The smart devil found a way to make another set. mother in law just goes away so she doesn't have to deal with this. She loves him to death, but cannot watch the decline.

    I'm just being a whiney poo and tired of taking care of other people. Someday I'll think of myself.

    Taking over dinner but said I could only stay an hour. Early morning work.