Why?
- Thread starter hearts and roses
- Start date
hearts and roses
Mind Reader
No apology needed. I agree with you that after 20 years together, 15 married, raising two girls, etc., we shouldnt have to deal with this **** and we should understand better. I am not proud of the way I've been with him during the aftermath of his dads death, mostly having to do with his mother and our house issue. However, proud or not, at least I'm honest about it and I do all the appropriate things in regards to being empathetic, helpful, etc. I mean, I'm not a meany or ice queen. I think part of this may be related to his dads death, but I also think it's due to other things that carry resentment. For example, I wanted a vaca, a REAL vaca, in Puerto Rico. He never EVER wants to go where I do, but easy child did, so we planned it together and did it. I think he's resentful that I will just do things without him. Even with school. Last week when he realized the date he asked, 'Are you taking classes this semester?" Well, he KNEW I was! Then he said, 'I know I'm supposed to be supportive, but I hate when you go to school.' Hmm, well gee, thanks hon. Then he added, "Well, I mean, I support you going to school and all, but I hate it too." Uh, no hon, that's not very supportive. And do you know why he hates when I go to school? Because it takes me away from him, as in, sometimes I dont make dinner, or sometimes HE has to feed the dogs dinner cuz I'm not there, or sometimes I can't go canoeing all Sunday afternoon because I have homework. So, don't worry about sounding harsh. In fact, move over and make room for me on that bandwagon. I'm very angry with H tonite, lady night, whatever this is (I've been up since 2:30 and can't sleep!) His mom called before and while they were on the phone, the dogs began barking. I mean within 25 seconds, H jumps up and throws the gate from the doorway, slams the door shut and glares at me and says, "Thank you!!!" as if I have some control over that situation, as if it's my responsibility to corral the dogs when he's on the phone! When I'm on the phone he carries on a conversation with me as if I'm not...I literally have to leave the room or go outside. He's obnoxious.
flutterby
Fly away!
This? Is why I'm so much better off single. I would have not reacted to that little stunt in any kind of nice way. I don't get why they have to be this way. My son pulls koi on his fiance, and I'm always telling her - when she talks to me about it, asks, etc - that she has to draw the line in the sand now, cause it's not going to get better by itself. I know he wasn't raised that way. It must be in their genes. UGH!
DDD
Well-Known Member
Actually I'm not too surprised. From the Board I feel that I know you and your husband....reminds me of husband and me. You are assertive and a take charge personality. Your husband is a good man but he is not those things. I'm betting that this behavior is a long time pattern that due to the family recent traumas is stomping on your nerves.
in my humble opinion he feels "lost" with-o his male support. Chances are that he knows in his gut that he is not the strong person that he expected to be at this age. So...he continues to focus his energies on work where he feels competent and avoids stepping up to the plate at home. Likely he is carrying gult for what he didn't do about the house and is trying to keep a low profile to avoid the flack. Perhaps he is transferring his Dad's role in his life to his sister or to his Mother. He is floundering and facing the realization that he can't just "make nice" with everyone. The internal pressure is on. Sigh! Of course he won't seek out a professional to help him sort through things. No way. Chances are you'll never know what's in his head and his heart.
My advice is to thoroughly analyze all aspects of your marraige. Make sure that the topic is truly revelent before you attempt to change his pattern or actually, the pattern between you. It's not easy to do. All of us want a real partner on a daily basis but sometimes it's necessary to accept the tipped scales and just be thankful that push come to shove we do have someone who loves and supports us to the best of their abilities. Hugs. DDD
in my humble opinion he feels "lost" with-o his male support. Chances are that he knows in his gut that he is not the strong person that he expected to be at this age. So...he continues to focus his energies on work where he feels competent and avoids stepping up to the plate at home. Likely he is carrying gult for what he didn't do about the house and is trying to keep a low profile to avoid the flack. Perhaps he is transferring his Dad's role in his life to his sister or to his Mother. He is floundering and facing the realization that he can't just "make nice" with everyone. The internal pressure is on. Sigh! Of course he won't seek out a professional to help him sort through things. No way. Chances are you'll never know what's in his head and his heart.
My advice is to thoroughly analyze all aspects of your marraige. Make sure that the topic is truly revelent before you attempt to change his pattern or actually, the pattern between you. It's not easy to do. All of us want a real partner on a daily basis but sometimes it's necessary to accept the tipped scales and just be thankful that push come to shove we do have someone who loves and supports us to the best of their abilities. Hugs. DDD
hearts and roses
Mind Reader
Wow, DDD, I think you've hit the nail on the head. You've described H to a T and thank you for knowing and putting into words what I haven't been able to or willing to. Now...for the plan, you're correct, that will be difficult. Thank you.
