Wife And Mother In Law Gave Him Money

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by culturanta, Apr 28, 2017.

  1. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    .......he claimed, for himself and his new girlfriend to attend a sold out, highly coveted sports event for which tickets are going for ten times what he "paid." I found this out when I returned from work to find my wife had willingly handed over this money without questioning the source of the "tickets" let alone why they were so cheap. My gut is screaming scam. Either he is planning to use the money for weed/booze, or he naively purchased counterfeit tickets.

    I am not proud of my reaction. I was angry as hell. Where is the accountability? This child doesn't go to (online) "school", doesn't have a job and doesn't even have CHORES allowing him to earn an allowance. He has been pleasant, even sweet, since he recently returned to our lives, but he is still the same person he has always been. He's always charming as long as he gets his way.

    I asked my wife if it had occurred to her to make the cash - which was an insignificant amount anyway - an advance payment for chores to be done at a later date. She said she had not and then became very defensive and we had an argument about it.

    After he secured his money my wife tried to text/call him for two hours and there was no response. Eventually she did reach him. He told her that now, his father would be joining he and his girlfriend for this sporting event. He said he would send us pictures from the event. He added that even though they had the tickets in hand, there was a "possibility the owners of the seats would show up" so they planned to arrive early. Difficult Stepson has such magical thinking, he believes that his counterfeit tickets will be honored as long as he gets there before the legitimate ticket owners arrive. So we'll see how this all works out.

    I have long been concerned about the impact of my wife's parenting choices on our marriage. She has made it clear she expects that I will be willing to take Difficult Child in if he wants us to do so. I have repeatedly told her that he isn't going to be allowed under my roof on a permanent basis until we have resolved the strangulation episode from 2015, and that I would not enable him to continue to live life without responsibility or consequence. She thinks I am being harsh; I think that this is the tough love difficult stepson needs and has never received, and more importantly these are the minimum limits I would need in order to feel safe in the situation. Of course this is all speculation and I highly doubt he would ever want to live with us, anyway. He is aware that my relationship with him has changed and I view him with suspicion, though of course, nothing has yet been discussed, although I think it would be healthy and healing for all concerned if we could eventually do so.

    I need to seek out Al Anon to help me detach from the dysfunction in myself and my family. I am hopeful my wife and I can find enough common ground that our marriage will survive Difficult Child as he grows into Difficult Adult.

    Deep breathing - detach - deep breathing - detach!
  2. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    You and you wife need to be on the same page as to rules/consequences PERIOD!

    If she is unwilling to do so, then either live with it or leave. FYI - You are correct, your wife needs to take parenting classes. Ask about parenting classes at your local school - counselor's office.

    If there is a drug problem, there should be regular drug testing, never give him cash, and purchase the items needed yourself.
  3. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Thanks for the feedback. There is a lot of significant backstory; there have been countless hours of therapy for every family member over the last few years. It is a highly dysfunctional situation. It's probably not ever going to get much better than it is right now barring divine intervention.

    He doesn't live with us so to an extent, I am only as involved as I choose to be. My wife is a distant parent and has been from the beginning of Difficult Stepson's life. I don't really need to be involved. My wife wants me to be involved, but I can easily request that my wife handle her son however she sees fit and not to discuss it with me, if it is upsetting to me. That is something I need to figure out and where I am focusing my attention at the moment.

    Where I would have serious problems is if she began throwing a significant amount of money at him, an amount that would impact our budget. As he gets older this is a big concern for me.

    My wife does not take criticism, even perceived criticism, well and is a "my way or the highway" type of person. She and I have done a lot of work on our marriage so that she isn't that way with me so much anymore but she is very protective of her kids. And as the stepparent, to an extent, I feel I need to respect that, but I will draw the line at tolerating violence and participating in enabling the children's bad behavior......that much I already know.

    I hope it doesn't come down to me needing to leave the household. It might, though.
  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Your wife wants to see the best in him. There are probably some good qualities and she loves him for it. I definitely think she is in denial. That moment of truth may never come. Maybe deep down she knows how he really is, but gets overwhelmed thinking "What if?"
  5. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Thanks for the feedback. He did end up going to the event using the tickets he purchased. He had a good time. He had a loving conversation with his mother and me the following day to tell us about it.

    Glad it worked out for him but still feel that it would have been best for him to have earned the money he needed to attend, even if he received an "advance" from us and came over to do some chores later on as his "work."

    But it's time to let this one go...I will keep communicating with my wife about financial matters as that is what really concerns me.....not her relationship with her son.