Wife is now stressed with daughter...HELP!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by StressedDad, Sep 6, 2011.

  1. StressedDad

    StressedDad New Member


    I'm remarried but had custody of my daughter for 9 years now and my wife and I married when the daughter is 2. We now have 2 other daughters together and i have a 4th from a previous marraige. Within the last year my daughter has giving my wife so much attitude of not listening and going as saying she doesn't want to listen to anyone.

    At first she would listen to me but now chooses also not to listen. She is seeing a therapist who says she has a conduct disorder.

    Therapy is not helping and she still continues to not listen to anyone or myself.

    I have explained to her what an unruly child is and had an officer over, with no change. She says she doesn't care and admits she told the officer what he wanted to hear so she wouldn't get into trouble.

    My wife is so stressed out now that she doesn't look forward to when school lets out at the end of the day. My daughter has gotten to the point that she likes to keep to herself mostly and has the same attitude when she goes to visit her biological mom also.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome to the board. So sorry you had to be here though.

    It would help us a lot if you gave us more background on your child. Did she have a chaotic early life? How was her early development? Any psychiatric problems on either side of her genetic family tree? Substance abuse? Has she suffered any trauma at any time? How does she do in school and does she know how to make and keep friends? Has she ever had an evaluation? I would be loathe to trust a professional who diagnosed something as serious as Conduct Disorder in an 11 year old child. That's usually saved for eighteen and older. Does she lie, steal, take drugs, smoke, do anti-social things? I mean...I'd get a second opinion. Attitude alone, even over-the-top, would not qualify for conduct disorder. More has to be going on. I've raised four kids to teenagers so far...and they ALL have attitude, more or less, especially the girls.

    You may want to do a signature like I did below. Again, welcome to the board. Others will come along too.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hi there!

    I'm with MWM here... Need more info.

    I can relate to your wife... We got residential custody of O (and her brother J) when O was 12. She started the extreme behavior around the time of her 11th birthday, though.

    I'm going to pry a little bit. Usually Dads don't get full custody unless there's something seriously wrong on the other side. I'm not being judgmental, I'm being realistic. (It took husband YEARS to get custody... And it's a good thing he did.) So... Why do you have custody?

    Another thing I found out the hard way... Kids get into drugs earlier than you would ever imagine. Is there any possibility...?

    HUGS - and welcome!
  4. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    i can't really offer much as to the reasons why she is acting like that, but am wondering what kind of punishment she gets for it. are there reasonable consequences in place? in my home all things are priviledges except healthy food, water, basic clothing and a clean bed. if i get too much attitude i start to take away these 'priviledges' starting with electronics. also, are all of you guys standing together to put up a united front? if not she may feel like its okay to act like that because the rewards she gets for acting like that are more than what she is losing. i have a daughter the same age range and she can have a rotten attitude too. i make sure to reward her with praise and attention and extra priviledges on her good days to encourage her to have more of them.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    How old is this girl? sounds like at least 11... (2 yrs old plus 9 yrs ... maybe a bit more??) At that age, you will have the additional factor of hormones.

    Is this behaviour relatively recent? Or has it always been there, and just "gotten a bit worse"?
    If to some extent it has always been there, then there is probably something more going on - something that the doctors etc. have not put a label to.
    Take one kid with unidentified issues, and allow enough time to go by so that things are well messed up (school, home, etc.), and you can end up with... depression, anxiety, ODD behaviors... and that's just the start.

    If its more recent... then it might be drugs, OR an emerging mental health issue (or something else entirely...)
  6. StressedDad

    StressedDad New Member

    She will be 12 in a few months. Her behavior started about a year.

    I got custody because Mom was never around when she was longer and went to prison for a year for illegal script writing for naroctics to sell for the boyfriend at the time.

    I know my daughter isn't doing drugs because she is at home from the time school ends until bedtime. She doesn't have any friends she talks to outside of school and we tried Girls Scouts with no luck.

    She was diagnosed with cognitive learning disability at the age of 4. They stated this was because of a lack of social skills and no basic learning skills learned before I got custody. She was always clinging on to myself or my wife once I got custody.

    When she is grounded she is grounded from everything, electronics and outside. She actually has no problem sitting on her bed from the time she gets homework done until bedtime. We are already in the second week of school and she isn't working on the science project because she says she doesn't feel like and if she fails its ok. Last year her accuse was it is ok because she is in IEP her "F" is a "C" which is passing. My mouth hit the floor when I heard this.
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    ...Unfortunately, that's not proof... I know. O stole all the cold medications in the house while on house arrest. BUT - that does not mean your daughter is. It means there is a possibility.

    And... talk to the science teacher about the whole F thing... Maybe she really does need to fail at something. Natural consequences.
  8. keista

    keista New Member

    Have you had any more recent evaluations? Cognitive learning disability is a very broad term and can include one or more specific dxes (diagnoses) - Asperger's, ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified, Down's Syndrome, dementia, etc.

    She's obviously bright enough to learn to manipulate the system at 11.

    The recent uproar is very possibly due to the beginning of puberty, but from your brief description, I'm pretty sure there's a lot more going on. That lack of social skills, since it has continued this long, is probably not due to her environment at the time. It's time to get some more comprehensive evaluations.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    What was/is covered on her IEP?

    I'd be leaning toward a very comprehensive evaluation... if you're starting with a cognitive learning disability at age 4? there can be all sorts of other things going on at the same time.... from missed additional dxes to mis-dxes to secondary issues that come as a result of primary issues not being handled in the first place.

    Given her background, you might also want to check into attachment disorders... it doesn't have to be Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) - but if she isn't firmly "attached" and normally socialized to begin with, then puberty makes everything 100x worse.

    Any chance of exposure to drugs and alcohol in-utero?
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm thinking maybe autistic spectrum disorder. That would be a good reason for a cognitive delay...I know that too well. Would also be why she doesn't seem bothered by not having a lot of friends or not having her electronics (although some spectrum kids rage if their electronics are removed).

    I think she needs more evaluating and I recommend a neuropsychologist. I also agree that drugs happen even when a kid is always home. My daughter once used drugs and she was practically glued to the house. She was even homeschooled. She did drugs when we were sleeping and she got them in all sorts of creative ways. She was older, but still...I think first things first and she needs a fresh evaluation so that it is clearer what is going on. My son's full diagnosis is autistic spectrum disorder (in his case it is high functioning) and cognitive disorder not otherwise specified, although his IQ is normal. He still has a hard time completing his work and doing more than one thing at a time.

    If this were my kid, I'd dump the therapist. I think he's looking in the wrong direction for the problem and so far his methods haven't improved things anyway. Regular therapists are not really educated to diagnose disorders.
  11. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    I'm sorry your family is having such a hard time. It is hard to teach right from wrong and discourage bad behavior when consequences mean nothing. I know from experience. We have been told to set firm boundaries and to put the "ball in their court", as far as making the decision to change their behavior. Sadly, the ball is sits there all lonely. I wish I could offer advice. This I do know: take care of yourself.

    Schools are a great place to buy and use drugs, according to the drug use of my grounded from life daughter who was expelled from school for such indulgences. :-/ You can get an at home drug test to rule out street drugs, but if she making/using cocktails made from OTC and alcohol, you're pretty much out of luck.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Really good therapists have a sense of "issues", though... and would send you through other channels to get answers. We had ONE like that. Told us who to get referrals to, what to ask for, and sent a ton of documentation ahead of us to help with the diagnosis.
    Most... just keep doing the same-old. If it works - good. If it doesn't, well, they don't think any farther than that.