I had to work this Easter, as I'm pulling into my driveway there sits my missing son on my porch. For months I've been fearing the worse of what ifs. My mind racing with the unimaginable thoughts, my heart filled with guilt. There he sits. I wanted to smile and hug him so tight but I could not. Why? I sat next to him and listen to him ramble on of nothing of importance. Nothing about his plans for his future. Nothing about him getting a job.Instead I am listening to him ramble about zodiac signs, when Bush was president, to why we aren't celebrating Easter with the other family. To how he can only take his bipolar medications when he's outside not around people to how he don't need them. When I asked if he's using or cycling from mania he says he's clean he don't need drug treatment he just needs to be free! My gut tells me he's using my heart says he's in a manic phase. When I asked if he needed to go back to the psychiatric Hospital he says he don't need that. When asked if he has shelter he says he is staying with a friend who has no plumbing or electric. He says he is fine and let's go do Easter. I busted out without thinking, I can't bring you around the little kids if I feel that your using drugs or not taking your medications for their safety. So I gave him $5 and dropped him off at a corner store. I felt so guilty and sick to my stomach it was hard to enjoy the company. As we are driving home we seen him sitting under a bridge about a mile from our house! I can't remember who posted this about driving pass her son every morning before work seeing him homeless and helpless but kept driving. Well that post came to mind as I told my husband to keep driving. I don't know if I'm being to harsh with my boundaries or what? But my gut says I'm not but my heart feels that I am! This is so sickening. When will he hit his rock bottom? Will he ever? Why would he want to be like this? Is it his mental illness or dug addiction or both? I'm so Fed up that I want to just run away and not be found!