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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 646034" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I'm so sorry, Lovemyson1. I absolutely do know how hard it is, and I have been right where you are with my own son. </p><p></p><p>He spent five years at the bottom (or so I thought). Before that, he was on a downhill slide for years and years, starting in 7th grade with very minor disruptions through the first semester of college when he flunked out completely. Little by little his true lifestyle was revealed to me---thankfully I didn't get it all at once because I likely would have keeled over with a heart attack. </p><p></p><p>Your son is in the throes of addiction. There are definitely at least two sides to the addict: the physical part of using the substances, and the compelling urgency to get it at all costs, no matter what you have to do---and then the spiritual/emotional/mental side of it---the victim mentality, pure dumb thinking, living in the moment and not thinking at all about consequences or the future, very bad decision-making and thought process. You may know that the experts say that people who become addicted stop developing, stop maturing. They are paralyzed in terms of their maturation to the time they started using. So a 21 year old who started using when he/she was 14 is still that same age in terms of maturity.</p><p></p><p>That is a sobering thought, isn't it? I know my own son, who is now 25.5, still makes very immature decisions, even though---for today---he is working two jobs and is paying his own bills. His thinking is still "messed up," even though he may not be using drugs. His ability to deal with real life is still very compromised and he says many things that sound very naive or strange for someone his age. </p><p></p><p>Our sons will likely relapse one, two, three...maybe more...times. Relapse is part of the disease. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>These are words to live by. Just for today---accept what is. Open your eyes wide and look at the reality. Breathe into it, relax and let it flow through you. Don't tense up against it. Don't deny it. Don't try to fix it, manage it, control it. Sit in silence with the truth of the situation and just be quiet. In time, your heart will stop beating so fast, and you will be more at peace, day by day, living into truth. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My son has been out of jail this time---after 8 or 9 times---since June 26. I still don't trust his new life at all. I am figuratively waiting for the other shoe to drop at times---fewer and fewer times---as I continue to work hard on myself and on accepting him and all other people, just as they are. I fail a lot. But I also succeed a lot. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Please reread what you wrote here. Read it again. He doesn't "give you guilt." He blames you (my son did too, vocally and consistently for a long, long time) but you are choosing to feel guilty and accept guilt. </p><p></p><p>You have done nothing to cause this. Addiction is. It happens in great homes, good homes, mediocre homes and bad homes. With great parents and lousy parents. With no parents and a loving extended family of many. It is no discriminator. We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. </p><p></p><p>It isn't about us. It is a primary mental illness, a primary diagnosis, that requires treatment. You are not to blame here for any of it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are describing my son here. A using drug addict or alcoholic has no motivation. They are only motivated to get their drugs again and again. Anything else is a mere obstacle. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>As my mother says: Worry is a fast getaway on a wooden horse. We have to learn how NOT to worry, but it is worth it. It takes accepting that our sons are adults, they are on their own, they have a right to make their own choices, and we didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. We have to let them go. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You sound strong here. This is very solid ground. And changing the code is very solid ground. Your son is on shaky ground right now, with the pain medication. I would safeguard my home and my possessions and my heart. I would practice saying little, spending a lot of time in silence, practice waiting and letting go and detachment, and simply offer your love and encouragement. No money. No alarm code. </p><p></p><p>Approach him with your arms wide open, and empty. Take care of yourself. Distance yourself physically from him if you need to. For a time, I would only talk to my son on a Saturday morning for 10 minutes between 10:30 and 11:30 a.m. If he didn't call during that designated time, I would let all other calls go to voice mail. I am not suggesting this is right for you, but I had to practice this. I was getting call after call, text after text, FB message after FB message. I couldn't think, work, function. It was harassment. I put him on notice that i would accept one call a week during this time. It broke the cycle of harassment, and we were able to go back, in time, to more frequent conversations. </p><p></p><p>Today, we text and call every few days. It is like a "normal" relationship between two grown adults. I don't ask a lot of questions. I don't pry into his life. There are things about his life that concern me a lot, but I am working hard to respect him, his choices, even though they don't make sense to me, and the fact that he is an adult. I also believe today with all my heart and mind that i don't know what is best for other people. That is something I had to learn, but I believe it today.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. Work on YOU. You are worth it. You can come through this to a new place and a new way of living that is filled with peace, contentment, serenity and joy. Regardless of what your precious son does or does not do.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 646034, member: 17542"] I'm so sorry, Lovemyson1. I absolutely do know how hard it is, and I have been right where you are with my own son. He spent five years at the bottom (or so I thought). Before that, he was on a downhill slide for years and years, starting in 7th grade with very minor disruptions through the first semester of college when he flunked out completely. Little by little his true lifestyle was revealed to me---thankfully I didn't get it all at once because I likely would have keeled over with a heart attack. Your son is in the throes of addiction. There are definitely at least two sides to the addict: the physical part of using the substances, and the compelling urgency to get it at all costs, no matter what you have to do---and then the spiritual/emotional/mental side of it---the victim mentality, pure dumb thinking, living in the moment and not thinking at all about consequences or the future, very bad decision-making and thought process. You may know that the experts say that people who become addicted stop developing, stop maturing. They are paralyzed in terms of their maturation to the time they started using. So a 21 year old who started using when he/she was 14 is still that same age in terms of maturity. That is a sobering thought, isn't it? I know my own son, who is now 25.5, still makes very immature decisions, even though---for today---he is working two jobs and is paying his own bills. His thinking is still "messed up," even though he may not be using drugs. His ability to deal with real life is still very compromised and he says many things that sound very naive or strange for someone his age. Our sons will likely relapse one, two, three...maybe more...times. Relapse is part of the disease. These are words to live by. Just for today---accept what is. Open your eyes wide and look at the reality. Breathe into it, relax and let it flow through you. Don't tense up against it. Don't deny it. Don't try to fix it, manage it, control it. Sit in silence with the truth of the situation and just be quiet. In time, your heart will stop beating so fast, and you will be more at peace, day by day, living into truth. My son has been out of jail this time---after 8 or 9 times---since June 26. I still don't trust his new life at all. I am figuratively waiting for the other shoe to drop at times---fewer and fewer times---as I continue to work hard on myself and on accepting him and all other people, just as they are. I fail a lot. But I also succeed a lot. Please reread what you wrote here. Read it again. He doesn't "give you guilt." He blames you (my son did too, vocally and consistently for a long, long time) but you are choosing to feel guilty and accept guilt. You have done nothing to cause this. Addiction is. It happens in great homes, good homes, mediocre homes and bad homes. With great parents and lousy parents. With no parents and a loving extended family of many. It is no discriminator. We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. It isn't about us. It is a primary mental illness, a primary diagnosis, that requires treatment. You are not to blame here for any of it. You are describing my son here. A using drug addict or alcoholic has no motivation. They are only motivated to get their drugs again and again. Anything else is a mere obstacle. As my mother says: Worry is a fast getaway on a wooden horse. We have to learn how NOT to worry, but it is worth it. It takes accepting that our sons are adults, they are on their own, they have a right to make their own choices, and we didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. We have to let them go. You sound strong here. This is very solid ground. And changing the code is very solid ground. Your son is on shaky ground right now, with the pain medication. I would safeguard my home and my possessions and my heart. I would practice saying little, spending a lot of time in silence, practice waiting and letting go and detachment, and simply offer your love and encouragement. No money. No alarm code. Approach him with your arms wide open, and empty. Take care of yourself. Distance yourself physically from him if you need to. For a time, I would only talk to my son on a Saturday morning for 10 minutes between 10:30 and 11:30 a.m. If he didn't call during that designated time, I would let all other calls go to voice mail. I am not suggesting this is right for you, but I had to practice this. I was getting call after call, text after text, FB message after FB message. I couldn't think, work, function. It was harassment. I put him on notice that i would accept one call a week during this time. It broke the cycle of harassment, and we were able to go back, in time, to more frequent conversations. Today, we text and call every few days. It is like a "normal" relationship between two grown adults. I don't ask a lot of questions. I don't pry into his life. There are things about his life that concern me a lot, but I am working hard to respect him, his choices, even though they don't make sense to me, and the fact that he is an adult. I also believe today with all my heart and mind that i don't know what is best for other people. That is something I had to learn, but I believe it today. Hang in there. Work on YOU. You are worth it. You can come through this to a new place and a new way of living that is filled with peace, contentment, serenity and joy. Regardless of what your precious son does or does not do. Warm hugs. [/QUOTE]
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