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Substance Abuse
Will Kicking my addict son out of my home solve the problem ?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 619782" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>How old is your son? At his age, his ADHD is no longer your problem. It is his problem and it is up to him to get the proper help for his ADHD. Self-medicating with dangerous drugs certainly is not going to help him. Don't think of him as that cute little ten year old. He isn't that same person now. He is a legal adult and very conscious of all of the decisions he makes. Many people have worse disabilities than ADHD and don't turn to drugs. I say this as the mom of an ex drug abuser. The drug abuse is the main issue now. The ADHD isn't even on the radar. Too bad if you made mistakes. ALL PARENTS MAKE MANY, MANY MISTAKES. All of them. And not ALL KIDS turn to drugs. Stop thinking this is your fault. It is his decision, not your fault. And if you had done things differently, no doubt this would have still happened. Guilt is a useless emotion and does not help him or you, and, yes, you matter as much as he does. Your health, well being and happiness matter as much as his do. When I first heard that concept, it shocked me and I couldn't buy it for a long time, but it is true. Also, if he had a bad rehab, that still is no reason to use drugs and act bad. If it's even true. As my daughter told me: Never believe a drug user. They lie. No matter what your son has gone through, some kids have it worse and they don't all use drugs. Your son is going the difficult child dance...making excuses. "I do this before...and it's NOT my faut." Nope. It's never their fault. To them.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes loving our children, especially adult children, means letting them go. "Give them roots to grow and wings to fly." Keeping your son at home, paying his bills, letting him go on pity trips, searching your mind for the things that you feel caused him to be this way are not not protective at his age and they will not help you nor him. He is old enough to make his own decisions and ONLY HE can decide to quit using drugs. You have NO CONTROL over anybody in this world but yourself. Trust me, our drug using kids already know all the bad stuff in this world. They may come home to sleep, but they are in contact with the worst elements of society and we can't protect them from it. If you knew your son's real life, you'd be flabbergasted. I know I was shocked when my daughter told me about her drug using days after she quit. I think my jaw hit the ground for a month. I hadn't had a clue it was that bad and I certainly didn't want to believe she was capable of doing some of what she did and I had not k nown that some drug dealers were threatening to kill her. This was while she was still living at home.</p><p></p><p>Do you have Narc-Anon twelve step meetings where you live? If so, I would attend them. You would live a mkore peaceful life and help your son more if you detached from his drama and did not help him self-destruct. You may decide with your husband to kick him out. Most of us have had to do that. And our kids still survive. They are amazingly resourceful. And while they are gone, we are not suffering their abuse. And many of us cut off the money train so they have to get jobs. If not, they can apply for whatever sort of welfare and housing your country offers. They don't have to live this way. They choose not to follow our rules and to be rude, mean, thieves and even violent toward us. I have learned that they do not recover by being allowed to live at home, abuse us, act like children and on top of that have all the fun of the internet, a car, a cell phone and our money for the horrible habit of smoking cigarettes. I personally am a big believer in taking care of myself...and letting my kids learn to grow up. And that is usually not in our homes. Kids tend to act much younger around their parents. After a while, most of us sleep well while our kids find their way around and couch surf and survive the way they want to survive. If they want housing they can get it, but they have to follow rules. Many of our adult kids prefer to be homeless rather than quit the drugs. </p><p></p><p>We all walk our own path. In my world, which is not YOUR world, if a grown child wants to live at home and is not in college, he works, he pays some rent, he pays his portion of car insurance, the internet, cell phone bills, and he does chores for us too. He is respectful to us. After all, it's our house and we are his parents who did the best we could for them. And if we made mistakes, so what? We are human. We still loved them to pieces. My attitude is: my house/my rules. My rules are not hard: Be respectful, be productive (job), help around the house, we all help one another with the upkeep of the property as we are a family. We don't swear or demean one another. Two of my kids were shown the door. One scared me and the other was a drug addict. I thought she was going to end up in jail or die. She did neither. She cleaned up her act (fast) and is, ten years later, clean and a hard worker, has her own house, is pregnant with her SO of eleven years and is my best friend. The other grown child is 36 and, while he can still be mean and cold and is sometimes in my opinion prone to "go off", he lives on his own, has a full time job, and takes good care of his son. He could never live with me again as he says dangerous, violent things when he is angry so it is up to him to keep standing on his own two feet. His father, whom I'm divorced from, will not let him ever live with him again either. </p><p></p><p>You have a life. You are not your son and your son is not you. You deserve to be happy in spite of your son's drama and self-destruction and I would read the article on this site about detachment. As for your marriage, if you two can't get on the same page, then perhaps your marriage will be destroyed by this wayward son. Do you want to give him that kind of power? It's your choice. I personally agree more with your husband than you, however it is not MY decision to make. It is yours. You control what you do and you will get through this your own way, walking your own path. </p><p></p><p>Try to see your son for the man he truly is and then don't do anything hastily. Ask yourself what YOU want from life and how you can get it. It's time for you to worry about yourself first. Nothing you do will change your son. But you can change everything you want about your own life and you can have great peace and serenity, even with your son's activities. They are his activities, not yours.</p><p></p><p>Big hugs for your hurting mommy heart. This is a terrific group of moms. More will come to your aid. Perhaps they will be more helpful.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 619782, member: 1550"] How old is your son? At his age, his ADHD is no longer your problem. It is his problem and it is up to him to get the proper help for his ADHD. Self-medicating with dangerous drugs certainly is not going to help him. Don't think of him as that cute little ten year old. He isn't that same person now. He is a legal adult and very conscious of all of the decisions he makes. Many people have worse disabilities than ADHD and don't turn to drugs. I say this as the mom of an ex drug abuser. The drug abuse is the main issue now. The ADHD isn't even on the radar. Too bad if you made mistakes. ALL PARENTS MAKE MANY, MANY MISTAKES. All of them. And not ALL KIDS turn to drugs. Stop thinking this is your fault. It is his decision, not your fault. And if you had done things differently, no doubt this would have still happened. Guilt is a useless emotion and does not help him or you, and, yes, you matter as much as he does. Your health, well being and happiness matter as much as his do. When I first heard that concept, it shocked me and I couldn't buy it for a long time, but it is true. Also, if he had a bad rehab, that still is no reason to use drugs and act bad. If it's even true. As my daughter told me: Never believe a drug user. They lie. No matter what your son has gone through, some kids have it worse and they don't all use drugs. Your son is going the difficult child dance...making excuses. "I do this before...and it's NOT my faut." Nope. It's never their fault. To them. Sometimes loving our children, especially adult children, means letting them go. "Give them roots to grow and wings to fly." Keeping your son at home, paying his bills, letting him go on pity trips, searching your mind for the things that you feel caused him to be this way are not not protective at his age and they will not help you nor him. He is old enough to make his own decisions and ONLY HE can decide to quit using drugs. You have NO CONTROL over anybody in this world but yourself. Trust me, our drug using kids already know all the bad stuff in this world. They may come home to sleep, but they are in contact with the worst elements of society and we can't protect them from it. If you knew your son's real life, you'd be flabbergasted. I know I was shocked when my daughter told me about her drug using days after she quit. I think my jaw hit the ground for a month. I hadn't had a clue it was that bad and I certainly didn't want to believe she was capable of doing some of what she did and I had not k nown that some drug dealers were threatening to kill her. This was while she was still living at home. Do you have Narc-Anon twelve step meetings where you live? If so, I would attend them. You would live a mkore peaceful life and help your son more if you detached from his drama and did not help him self-destruct. You may decide with your husband to kick him out. Most of us have had to do that. And our kids still survive. They are amazingly resourceful. And while they are gone, we are not suffering their abuse. And many of us cut off the money train so they have to get jobs. If not, they can apply for whatever sort of welfare and housing your country offers. They don't have to live this way. They choose not to follow our rules and to be rude, mean, thieves and even violent toward us. I have learned that they do not recover by being allowed to live at home, abuse us, act like children and on top of that have all the fun of the internet, a car, a cell phone and our money for the horrible habit of smoking cigarettes. I personally am a big believer in taking care of myself...and letting my kids learn to grow up. And that is usually not in our homes. Kids tend to act much younger around their parents. After a while, most of us sleep well while our kids find their way around and couch surf and survive the way they want to survive. If they want housing they can get it, but they have to follow rules. Many of our adult kids prefer to be homeless rather than quit the drugs. We all walk our own path. In my world, which is not YOUR world, if a grown child wants to live at home and is not in college, he works, he pays some rent, he pays his portion of car insurance, the internet, cell phone bills, and he does chores for us too. He is respectful to us. After all, it's our house and we are his parents who did the best we could for them. And if we made mistakes, so what? We are human. We still loved them to pieces. My attitude is: my house/my rules. My rules are not hard: Be respectful, be productive (job), help around the house, we all help one another with the upkeep of the property as we are a family. We don't swear or demean one another. Two of my kids were shown the door. One scared me and the other was a drug addict. I thought she was going to end up in jail or die. She did neither. She cleaned up her act (fast) and is, ten years later, clean and a hard worker, has her own house, is pregnant with her SO of eleven years and is my best friend. The other grown child is 36 and, while he can still be mean and cold and is sometimes in my opinion prone to "go off", he lives on his own, has a full time job, and takes good care of his son. He could never live with me again as he says dangerous, violent things when he is angry so it is up to him to keep standing on his own two feet. His father, whom I'm divorced from, will not let him ever live with him again either. You have a life. You are not your son and your son is not you. You deserve to be happy in spite of your son's drama and self-destruction and I would read the article on this site about detachment. As for your marriage, if you two can't get on the same page, then perhaps your marriage will be destroyed by this wayward son. Do you want to give him that kind of power? It's your choice. I personally agree more with your husband than you, however it is not MY decision to make. It is yours. You control what you do and you will get through this your own way, walking your own path. Try to see your son for the man he truly is and then don't do anything hastily. Ask yourself what YOU want from life and how you can get it. It's time for you to worry about yourself first. Nothing you do will change your son. But you can change everything you want about your own life and you can have great peace and serenity, even with your son's activities. They are his activities, not yours. Big hugs for your hurting mommy heart. This is a terrific group of moms. More will come to your aid. Perhaps they will be more helpful. [/QUOTE]
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Will Kicking my addict son out of my home solve the problem ?
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