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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 659106" data-attributes="member: 4152"><p>N l j...I'm not sure there is a right or wrong answer here. I chose a sort of middle ground with my father, who was violently abusive to my mother and myself, as well as emotionally abusive, profoundly draining and damaging etc. and NEVER apologized or showed an ounce of empathy or care. He actually once told me when I asked him about all of the abuses that it was "no big deal." The abuses were extreme and I won't out them here.</p><p></p><p>As he aged, I would check up on him periodically (once or twice a year) to see if he needed anything. Fortunately, he enjoyed good health until the last three months of his life. When he truly needed help at the end, I made sure he received good medical care, spoke with his doctors and medical team, provided whatever he needed, visited regularly (but not terribly often) and at the very end, even fed him a few times. I was pleasant and polite.</p><p></p><p>At the beginning, he was VERY unkind at times, but I did my best to ignore it. I did not go overboard with my help, nor try to get an apology for his long term abuses (although I secretly, perhaps in a childlike way...longed deeply that he would apologize).</p><p></p><p>I was as pleasant as I could be and helped whenever I could. I was working at the time, and if I had to work, I didn't come to see him. If I was sick, I didn't come to see him. He had friends that helped. But, I did come when I could. It would have been a very different story if this was my mother. His end days were probably not ideal for him, but I don't think bad either. He died peacefully. My husband says he was darn lucky to get what he got.</p><p></p><p>Later, it did did bother me greatly that he never took any of those moments to apologize, but it is what it is. I'm glad I helped him when he needed it most, but at the same time, I'm glad I didn't go overboard and had boundaries in place. It's hard to fully explain. Some might think it wrong that I didn't do more. Frankly, I do not care. I did the best I could under profoundly difficult circumstances. You will figure it all out.</p><p></p><p>Your story is sad and I know it's not easy. Wishing you well.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 659106, member: 4152"] N l j...I'm not sure there is a right or wrong answer here. I chose a sort of middle ground with my father, who was violently abusive to my mother and myself, as well as emotionally abusive, profoundly draining and damaging etc. and NEVER apologized or showed an ounce of empathy or care. He actually once told me when I asked him about all of the abuses that it was "no big deal." The abuses were extreme and I won't out them here. As he aged, I would check up on him periodically (once or twice a year) to see if he needed anything. Fortunately, he enjoyed good health until the last three months of his life. When he truly needed help at the end, I made sure he received good medical care, spoke with his doctors and medical team, provided whatever he needed, visited regularly (but not terribly often) and at the very end, even fed him a few times. I was pleasant and polite. At the beginning, he was VERY unkind at times, but I did my best to ignore it. I did not go overboard with my help, nor try to get an apology for his long term abuses (although I secretly, perhaps in a childlike way...longed deeply that he would apologize). I was as pleasant as I could be and helped whenever I could. I was working at the time, and if I had to work, I didn't come to see him. If I was sick, I didn't come to see him. He had friends that helped. But, I did come when I could. It would have been a very different story if this was my mother. His end days were probably not ideal for him, but I don't think bad either. He died peacefully. My husband says he was darn lucky to get what he got. Later, it did did bother me greatly that he never took any of those moments to apologize, but it is what it is. I'm glad I helped him when he needed it most, but at the same time, I'm glad I didn't go overboard and had boundaries in place. It's hard to fully explain. Some might think it wrong that I didn't do more. Frankly, I do not care. I did the best I could under profoundly difficult circumstances. You will figure it all out. Your story is sad and I know it's not easy. Wishing you well. [/QUOTE]
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