Wish it was easier

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Jan 16, 2009.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wish it wasn't so difficult to send difficult child to respite each month. We do so need the break but to go. I feel so bad because he hates to go. He gets so upset, says he isn't going to go, begs us not to send him, tells us he hates our family, gets pushy, swears, and eventually cries.

    It always sounds like he ends up having a good time. Still, he says he feels uncomfortable going to someone's house (I understand). We try to make it positive for him but he just wants to be at home.

    Today, when we got in the van to go, he was talking to himself and said, don't think of your parents when you are at respite. When I asked him why he said because than you get upset and cry. It about broke my heart.:(

    Makes me feel guilty needing the break but I know we do.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ohh- that would be hard for me to send him, too, if he hates it so much. You do need the respite, though. Can anything change about it? Can you get from him specificly what he can't stand (like 2 hours watching movies) or is it just the fact that he isn't at home? Can you trade in respite for a mentor that takes him places or gets him involved in recreational activities?

    It would break my heart , too. But you really do need the time away from each other.
  3. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    Playing the devil's advocate here - Do you think it's possible your difficult child is trying to manipulate you? You mentioned that it sounds like he always has a good time.

    As long as you know he is being well taken care of and is actually having fun while there, try not to let this bother you. You and husband need and deserve a break from your difficult child. You and husband need time alone together too.

    Please try not to worry about difficult child while he is at respite. You need this time without him. WFEN
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sharon, WFEN said EXACTLY what I was thinking. I know it is hard to send him, but this is the kind of manipulation (almost to the WORD) that Wiz used during psychiatric hospital stays and his stay at the Youth Shelter.

    You really NEED the break. Don't stop respite because this, though you may want to ask him with your therapist how you can make his stay there more comfortable - send fave blanket or pillow or toy or whatever. maybe even a picture book of things at home ( I use cheap dollar store photo books to slide in pics of things - nothing fancy.

    I know it is hard. But stay strong and enjoy yourself and recharge your batteries during this respite. Remember: If Momma Ain't Happy, Nobody Is Happy!
  5. YoyoMama

    YoyoMama New Member

    Wiped Out - I am new to this board and not familiar with all the different types of experiences others have had - including sending a child to respite but I do know that my 8yo has always, and continues to strongly protest going to places and doing things that he actually enjoys. When I say protest I mean begin by saying, LOUDLY, "NOOO! I don't want to go there." and getting louder and louder until he erupts into a full blown tantrum. He did this this very afternoon about going to see Hotel for Dogs that he has been talking about going to for 2 or 3 weeks. It is crazy - a tantrum when I said it was time to go to the movie - because he doesn't want to go - screaming and yelling and slamming doors and throwing shoes.

    I don't give in. I tell him he doesn't have a choice. I don't argue just continue to repeat myself, "Turn off the TV and the light and put your shoes on." "NOOOO! I'm NOT going!!" "You don't have a choice. Turn off the TV and the light and put on your shoes." This went on for almost 20 minutes until he finally did it and we got in the car and went to see the movie he has been begging to see.

    My point is that you wrote that
    Maybe he really does and he is just being oppositional the way my son does about things he actually likes. (It is still very difficult for me to tell the difference between what he likes and what he doesn't.)
  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Transitions are hard for our kids. Some have a problem worse than others. Having to go to respite certainly makes oppositional kids dig in their heels.

    I'm sure his reaction is a multitude of emotions.
    He doesn't like change. He doesn't want to miss anything at home. He is anxious about walking into another home. The respite home is probably not nearly as tolerant of his difficult child behavior as you are. He isn't going to like the idea that you are getting a break from him. He is self absorbed and your families needs are of no concern to him.
    The alternative is to be so totally burned out that you and husband and easy child end up being people you don't want to be.
    He isn't being mistreated. He is safe. He doesn't have to like it but he has to go. in my humble opinion.
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey Sharon,

    It's totally understandabe that your heart would break because you love your son! There is no one on this board who has spent "time" with you that doesn't see your love for him shinning through. However, you need to let your brain have a little room in this one! You, husband and your daughter need this monthly respite REALLY BAD. I would imagine that difficult child's reaction to respite is 50% manipulation and 50% not wanting to leave his family.

    Heck girl, enjoy the weekend!

  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks everyone! Some of it probably is manipulation, maybe even a lot of it. Some of it I'm not so sure (he doesn't cry easily-and his tears just quietly roll down his face).

    Either way you are all right-we need this. In fact last Sunday husband said let's remember how difficult child was today when we are dropping him off at respite, it will remind us we are doing the right thing.

    We don't give him any choice in the matter because we know we need it. We do try to make the transition easier by letting him bring his favorite blanket and his music. I just wish he wasn't as sad about it at first. We did call last night but difficult child was already asleep (7:15). The respite provider said he cried only a few minutes and was then playing and laughing so that was good to hear.

    We enjoyed a nice evening watching a movie and some friends may be coming over later today for a game night. It will be nice not to have difficult child constantly interrupting and to be able to truly enjoy time with our friends.

    You are all the best-I truly needed to hear what all of you had to say-thank you!
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Heck, my difficult child is giving me a hard time about going to her Gma's today.

    Sometimes it feels like manipulation. Sometimes the usual giving me a hard time about everything. Sometimes I honestly think she just wants to stay home in her own space.

    You have to do what you think is the most valuable for you and your family. It is one flipping weekend. He can handle it. In fact, maybe someday he will relate it to the ultimate goal. If he does not cause stress in the house he will not have to leave it. That is what I am hoping for anyway!
  10. ML

    ML Guest

    Fran's responses expressed what I was going to say. For manster it is a transitional issue mostly. He goes to his dad's one day/night each week and usually has a good time, occasionally he's bored. He NEVER wants to go. Beg, scream plead. I feel horrible. If it weren't for husband encouraging our break I would probably give in. But the respite we get is so necessary. Again, once he gets there he's always fine and even occasionally asks if he can stay longer (transitionining the other way perhaps). Stay strong and take those needed breaks! ML