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Signorina
Guest
I am so happy and hopeful for you!
Wish me luck tomorrow! Updated
- Thread starter Kathy813
- Start date
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Aw, I do understand about the flying. I don't care for it. Hope your flight is smooth and your weekend productive! 
Well, I am not feeling very hopeful tonight. We had our group today where each family took turns sitting in the middle of the circle and talked about our feelings. difficult child had a completely flat affect through the entire thing. It was the same way she reacted during the intervention. . . absolutely no reaction to our pain.
The therapists called her on it and said she was acting completely detached from the process. difficult child said she couldn't help it because she felt that emotions were completely shut down and she was afraid to feel again. The therapist acknowledged that was an effect that drug use can cause and if she stayed sober she would start feeling again. The way he put it was that the good news was that after sustained sobriety you start feeling again and the bad news was that you start feeling again.
More concerning to me is that she still thinks it is okay to break rules. Yesterday, when we went out for lunch, difficult child asked for us to buy her a red bull. I was surprised and asked her if they allowed her to drink that at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). She said no. Then I asked if she was allowed to drink it while on a pass and she said no. Needless to say, we didn't buy her one.
Today, during our session, they asked us if we had any moments that we got that funny feeling in our gut and before I could answer, difficult child brought up the red bull. I mentioned another instance when she mentioned a "stupid rule" about sharing clothes and the therapist said that the fact difficult child still felt she could break rules or decide which ones to follow was not a good sign.
Later, I asked her why she had asked for the red bull when she knew she would be breaking a rule, she answered, "because I wanted one."
So what happens when she wants to drink or stick a needle in her arm?
Like I said, I am not having a good night. On the good note, the therapists were one hundred percent behind us when we said she could never live at home again and difficult child seemed to accept it. Or at least she didn't argue about it.
The therapists called her on it and said she was acting completely detached from the process. difficult child said she couldn't help it because she felt that emotions were completely shut down and she was afraid to feel again. The therapist acknowledged that was an effect that drug use can cause and if she stayed sober she would start feeling again. The way he put it was that the good news was that after sustained sobriety you start feeling again and the bad news was that you start feeling again.
More concerning to me is that she still thinks it is okay to break rules. Yesterday, when we went out for lunch, difficult child asked for us to buy her a red bull. I was surprised and asked her if they allowed her to drink that at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). She said no. Then I asked if she was allowed to drink it while on a pass and she said no. Needless to say, we didn't buy her one.
Today, during our session, they asked us if we had any moments that we got that funny feeling in our gut and before I could answer, difficult child brought up the red bull. I mentioned another instance when she mentioned a "stupid rule" about sharing clothes and the therapist said that the fact difficult child still felt she could break rules or decide which ones to follow was not a good sign.
Later, I asked her why she had asked for the red bull when she knew she would be breaking a rule, she answered, "because I wanted one."
So what happens when she wants to drink or stick a needle in her arm?
Like I said, I am not having a good night. On the good note, the therapists were one hundred percent behind us when we said she could never live at home again and difficult child seemed to accept it. Or at least she didn't argue about it.
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Signorina
Guest
{{{hugs}}}
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Kathy,
I totally understand how you are feeling. I think we need to remember that recovery is a process and they are not going to change their gfgness overnight..... and I think you felt so good the first day and she showed some of her good side and that she loves you and the connection to you all of which is wonderful. Then yesterday you got a chance to see that she is still a difficult child, some of her issues are still there, and it is all worrisome.
However I think there are some really good signs, she clearly loves you, feels connected and wants a relationship with you. She didnt fight you on the red bull, did own up to wanting to break the rules and what the rules were and was honest about it in group. She is thinking of how she is going to move on and is accepting that she cant come live at home. I think all of that is great news. The therapists sound really good there!
I understand about the worry about breaking the rules. That is what I think my difficult children biggest issue is and it is my biggest worry about him. I am hoping that now that he has lived with no rules and sees what that can be really like that he really is ready to start following the rules... so far it sounds like he is. But yeah that is something your difficult child is going to have to face, to live in this world successfully we need to follow rules.
TL
I totally understand how you are feeling. I think we need to remember that recovery is a process and they are not going to change their gfgness overnight..... and I think you felt so good the first day and she showed some of her good side and that she loves you and the connection to you all of which is wonderful. Then yesterday you got a chance to see that she is still a difficult child, some of her issues are still there, and it is all worrisome.
However I think there are some really good signs, she clearly loves you, feels connected and wants a relationship with you. She didnt fight you on the red bull, did own up to wanting to break the rules and what the rules were and was honest about it in group. She is thinking of how she is going to move on and is accepting that she cant come live at home. I think all of that is great news. The therapists sound really good there!
I understand about the worry about breaking the rules. That is what I think my difficult children biggest issue is and it is my biggest worry about him. I am hoping that now that he has lived with no rules and sees what that can be really like that he really is ready to start following the rules... so far it sounds like he is.
But yeah that is something your difficult child is going to have to face, to live in this world successfully we need to follow rules.TL
I am sitting at the airport and thought I would check in. Today was much, much better. Part of the problem yesterday was her anxiety was off the charts. I didn't mention this yesterday but difficult child keep volunteering us to go first. She said she had to "get it over with." I understood that because when we had to give presentations when I was working on my specialist degree, we used to good-naturedly fight over who would go first so we could get it over with and relax. I told her, though, that if we ever had to do this again I would duct tape her hands to the chair so she couldn't volunteer me to go first again.
Today, as the last two families went through the process, difficult child shared to the group that what one of the clients said was how she felt and wished she could have verbalized. She then turned and said she was sorry for the hurt and pain she has caused us. At the end, each client shared their future plans and difficult child said her plan was to go to the halfway house for three to six months, go to meetings every day, and work. That actually was huge because when she first got there, she said she would not get a job down there and would not go to a halfway house. Even the possibility of staying six months is new and her therapist caught it right away and mentioned it to us later.
I shared with the therapist how upset I was last night about the rule breaking and she said exactly what jjj said. She said that we know that difficult child is impulsive and would still try to push boundaries but that the new behavior was that when questioned she immediately told the truth and didn't try to manipulate us into helping her break the rule. She said that they knew that difficult child still had some ambivalence but that there is a saying in AA "fake it until you make it" and that difficult child was doing all of the right things.
One more thing, when we were leaving and dropped her off at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), I hugged her, told her that I loved her, and said, "don't pick up" which was how they ended the NA group we attended with her. She laughed and said, "don't you pick up either." I told her that I would make a deal with her and not pick up if she didn't. She laughed, hugged me, and went back in. As she walked away I thought to myself if only it was that easy
Kathy
Today, as the last two families went through the process, difficult child shared to the group that what one of the clients said was how she felt and wished she could have verbalized. She then turned and said she was sorry for the hurt and pain she has caused us. At the end, each client shared their future plans and difficult child said her plan was to go to the halfway house for three to six months, go to meetings every day, and work. That actually was huge because when she first got there, she said she would not get a job down there and would not go to a halfway house. Even the possibility of staying six months is new and her therapist caught it right away and mentioned it to us later.
I shared with the therapist how upset I was last night about the rule breaking and she said exactly what jjj said. She said that we know that difficult child is impulsive and would still try to push boundaries but that the new behavior was that when questioned she immediately told the truth and didn't try to manipulate us into helping her break the rule. She said that they knew that difficult child still had some ambivalence but that there is a saying in AA "fake it until you make it" and that difficult child was doing all of the right things.
One more thing, when we were leaving and dropped her off at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), I hugged her, told her that I loved her, and said, "don't pick up" which was how they ended the NA group we attended with her. She laughed and said, "don't you pick up either." I told her that I would make a deal with her and not pick up if she didn't. She laughed, hugged me, and went back in. As she walked away I thought to myself if only it was that easy
Kathy
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She is making progress Kathy. I think for so many of us when they are in treatment and finally getting help our heart is hoping so much to hear what tells us that they are getting it, that they are changing, for lack of a better word that they are getting cured. Our heads tell us differently and we know it takes time and for every two steps forward they take one back. But we are so use to the ups and downs of livign with our difficult children it's hard to get out of that mode and be patient and let it happen.
I was always so struck at how difficult child's counselor in rehab was so patient and forgiving and never got bent out of shape when difficult child broke rules. She told us that she doesn't expect them to be angels, they didn't come in as angels and they aren't going to become angels overnight. I always wished I had the kind of patience that she did so I didn't jump to horrible conclusions at every setback.
In a way it may have taught her something by going first and then watching others go and wishing she had been able to express herself like that. I think that was a good lesson for her.
Hope your trip home was uneventful and you can relax a little knowing she seems to be resigned to staying down there.
I was always so struck at how difficult child's counselor in rehab was so patient and forgiving and never got bent out of shape when difficult child broke rules. She told us that she doesn't expect them to be angels, they didn't come in as angels and they aren't going to become angels overnight. I always wished I had the kind of patience that she did so I didn't jump to horrible conclusions at every setback.
In a way it may have taught her something by going first and then watching others go and wishing she had been able to express herself like that. I think that was a good lesson for her.
Hope your trip home was uneventful and you can relax a little knowing she seems to be resigned to staying down there.
StressedM0mma
Active Member
Kathy, I am glad that things ended on a good note. It sounds as if she is trying, and like jjj said it is measured in inches. And while my difficult child is not a substance abuser, I do understand the wanting to measure in larger amts.
Hope your flight home goes smoothly, and you can relax. Hugs.
Hope your flight home goes smoothly, and you can relax. Hugs.
One thing that one of the therapists said in group was that impatience on both the client's part or the family's part is a big cause in relapses. He said that the client's problems don't resolve in three months but rather dissolve over time.
So that's something I need to work on.
So that's something I need to work on.
rejectedmom
New Member
I does look like some good progress is being made. It is true she was honest and didn't manipulate you when you asked if she was allowed the drink. Then she opened up at group which is huge for her. In addition she seems to accept that she is not comming home to your lhouse and is starting to make plans. It is promising progress and yes the road ahead will not be at all easy. Whether she makes it or not, you will know without a doubt, that you did everything you could and supported her in her recovery. -RM
A couple of light-hearted moments . . . one was when I mentioned the Saint Patrick's day release, I said that people on the board had pointed out it was a lucky day. She replied, "the old me would have said it was a day to drink beer." That hadn't even crossed my mind.
Another is that there is a recovery meeting held after a Friday night service at a local temple. A small group of the clients go to eat dinner, attend the service, and stay for the recovery meeting run by the rabbi afterward. difficult child really enjoys the service and meeting.
The humorous part is that my difficult child is a Lutheran southern belle who has discovered that she loves brisket. She told us that you can even get barbeque brisket. Who knew? LOL
~Kathy
Another is that there is a recovery meeting held after a Friday night service at a local temple. A small group of the clients go to eat dinner, attend the service, and stay for the recovery meeting run by the rabbi afterward. difficult child really enjoys the service and meeting.
The humorous part is that my difficult child is a Lutheran southern belle who has discovered that she loves brisket. She told us that you can even get barbeque brisket. Who knew? LOL
~Kathy
I don't know if there will ever come a time that I don't dread St. Patty's Day. Two years ago on that day difficult child was loving in the neighbor's basement drinking and smoking pot 24/7. She posted pictures of her at the downtown parade and they awere awful, I didn't even recognize her. Two sober houses and a year later she was now living in her apartment and went downtown again and got so drunk she smashed into a parked car and totally wrecked her front end and then just left. I found out by seeing pics she didn't think I could see in her email. Earlier that day husband had just signed the title to the car over to her and we took her off our insurance, thank goodness.
I have no idea what this year St. Patty's Day will bring but I would much rather her be in your difficult child's state of mind than hers. I am hoping that it is the good luck day for you and her that everyone else seems to celebrate.
I have no idea what this year St. Patty's Day will bring but I would much rather her be in your difficult child's state of mind than hers. I am hoping that it is the good luck day for you and her that everyone else seems to celebrate.
Kathy, I've been keeping up with your posts, and have actually learned some things myself along the way. Especially the comment her therapist made about impatience. As someone that's never done drugs, I have a hard time understanding the whole relapse issue. I need to learn more patience with it, I guess. It's so hard being patient while watching our difficult child's self destruct.
The red bull incident so reminds me of something my difficult child would do. And it's scary...because they think that there's not a rule or law out there that applies to them. Invincible in every way. Ugh.
It sounds like there have been some moving moments with your daughter. I can tell through what you write that she has a huge heart. I hope she continues to put one foot in front of the other, and embraces this chance at a healthy and happy life!!
The red bull incident so reminds me of something my difficult child would do. And it's scary...because they think that there's not a rule or law out there that applies to them. Invincible in every way. Ugh.
It sounds like there have been some moving moments with your daughter. I can tell through what you write that she has a huge heart. I hope she continues to put one foot in front of the other, and embraces this chance at a healthy and happy life!!
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