Wish me luck!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mog, Sep 22, 2009.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    Well we are on the way to meet difficult child treatment foster family. I am heartbroken that he chose this. It is with a heavy heart that I go and already feel the tears building up behind my eyes. I really could use some good thoughts and prayers.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry. I hope this is something that can benefit him.
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending many good thoughts and prayers out to you now!
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    ((HUGS)) I'm sure thisn hurts tremendously. Try to remember that there are worse places he could be going to and at least you stay involved at some level. You are still his Mom and nothing can change that.
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. I hope this is beneficial to him, and maybe it will lead to you being more appreciated.
  6. mog

    mog Member

    So we went to meet the agencies social worker and the mother of the TFC the father did not go. As you probably could have guessed difficult child laid the sugar on thick. Telling them that his education is so important to him - then why were we sending him to school and he not going to class (79 missed) and of course he is blaming me because every day he stays at the shelter it gets him farther behind and I remind him that he chose this but he is still sticking to his story that I threw him out (yeah right) So the mother was going over her rules in her house and difficult child was so pulling the wool over there eyes telling them that he always does his chores and keeps his music at a proper level and never ever yells. Then the social worker asked him what his charges were and he just looked at me and so she asked me and I told her that there are 5 counts of assault and battery 3 on me and 2 on husband. Of course he told them that it was because we were already in a heated arguement and he doesn't do that anymore because he has learned techniques to calm himself before things escalate. They didn't ask us many questions they let him do most of the talking. When they left the scoial worker gauranteed that we would get a phone call tonight even if to say they are not sure yet but guess what the night is already gone and we never got a call. My husband and I agree that this is just one more liar that promises the world and delivers nothing. So now what? Thanks for the support!!
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh they should be well versed in difficult child speak if they are worth their weight in therapeutic foster parenting. If they cant see through his BS now, that isnt where he should be. With 79 absences, he isnt taking his education seriously at all. What a laugh. I would have had a hard time not laughing in his face. My son skipped 88 days in 8th grade and against every ounce of my determination, they put him in 9th grade. Refused to hold him back even though I swore to him he couldnt possible pass to 9th. Again they made a liar out of me. Thanks school! Oh well...he had to take 9th grade twice and he never got further than that.

    It is entirely possible they may not find him a placement with a family and have to send him to either a group home or somewhere else. This is his choice. If his actions get him sent elsewhere. Oh well. Tough cookies. Just remember that.
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I agree with Janet. I'm sure the fosters have been around long enough to not be fooled by a difficult child! Perhaps the phone call didn't come because they were still making up their minds about accepting placement. Certainly sw could have called and let you know there was not decision yet....

    Often it is easier for a nonparent to get our kids motivated than it is for us. Perhaps this will be a wake up call for difficult child when he realizes "hey, maybe the rules in my house weren't so bad" when he is faced with the same rules in the foster home. Perhaps it will be a positive. That will be my hope.

    I'm sorry for your sad heart.

  9. mog

    mog Member

    Foster family said no because of the violence and he acted all tough and claimed that hangs out with a gang but is not a member. That that helped his chances. So now they are talked about a different family about 200 miles away and I told him that if they do that we will not be able to visit as often as we did when he was gone before due to our financial situation with me not working. At least they are now seeing that it is not me.
  10. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    mog, I'm not sure of your difficult child's history or your family story. I just wanted to tell you that I felt it sad to see you typed you had gratitude that others can see that it isn't YOU. Please believe me when I say, with people well versed in the games some difficult child's play, (caseworkers, theraputic foster parents etc) you are in the company of people who understand that love and positive parenting does not gaurantee a stable, well behaved child. Please don't allow yourself to be shaddowed with a belief that your difficult child's behaviours and choices are a reflection of the parent that you are. That is a untruth that burdens you with an unfair blame and shame feeling that you didn't earn.
    I hope that wherever your difficult child ends up, he grows enough in himself to accept the help that is out there for him to learn to make good choices and how to adapt his behaviours and reactions etc to walk a straigher and happier path.
    If he does end up in a distant placement, it surely will be difficult. It sounds like it would do your difficult child some good to recognize it is HIS choices that lead him to be so physically distant if it comes to that. I don't know if it will help you emotionally, but my difficult child at 12 years old, after a 3 month stay in theraputic foster care where he came home and honeymooned before going out of control again, ended up moving with his biodad. A 2 hour drive away and I don't own a car. In a year period I was able to spend one single day with difficult child, he had to travel here since I couldn't go to him. That was, for my difficult child, the entire basis for radical changes in his attitude, views, behaviours and choices.
    He had a real taste of "the grass isn't greener on the other side". He had a chance to actually long term miss being home. He had a chance finally to realize that when he rejected my parenting, he rejected himself as well. He learned to miss my parenting, as opposed to resenting it.
    When he came home, I swear I never believed he could be the same kid. 4 years later, he is now 16 years old. he is talking about University. He is attending school daily and doing homework. He still hates high school but he doesn't complain and gets it done. he has learned to see it as a means to an end. He tells me he loves me. He can laugh at "the old difficult child" that he can't believe he was. He is respectful and he values home, our values, our involvement. He is finally kind to his younger sister. He no longer tells tall tales to make himself seem larger than life. He is honest when messes up. He has learned the words "I'm sorry" and to not say them unless he means them. He has learned that to apologize means to work to not repeat whatever behaviour lead to the apology.
    I honestly never saw this change coming. I spent so many years traumatized by the life going on in my home due to his choices. I pictured being the mother posting here about my son in prison, making babies with many women and not working, not supporting children. I pictured so much and none of it was good. None of it resembles the son living happily under this roof now.
    All that said, I really wanted to just shed some hope for you. We can't know what is ahead for our difficult child's. But sometimes, the hard decisions such as a placement far away from us, turns out a blessing in disguise. Maybe its a fresh start for him, new friends, new school, new daily routines that he has no choice but to comply with etc. Maybe. Just maybe.
    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well as your difficult child.
    Remember: His choices, His consequences!